Apocalyptic emptiness

....these fleeting thoughts as I pass through the end of one stage and turn

there is awareness over how voices I’ve listened to before were harmful. They wanted things from me as they opened their hands and offered me their veiled gifts

I see I have turned the corner and learned how to keep going on calloused soled feet that gained their rites of passage at last

they will no longer chain me down

I walked away at last

      I didn’t know I had instilled the callus as shield with the rubber exterior that bounces and deflects what once I had no defense against.... oh those flesh eating parasites.... goodbye. I don’t care anymore. No I’m not an asshole, I’ve just gone hard inside from the callus of experiences of a journey you will never know. If that makes me cold, so be it, but the world was always cold on this path when faces sneered and turned away in narrow judgement

I find warmth in places I’d never have expected .... New York which once had been my punisher comes now to rescue me as if the ghost of my father carries me to his historical monument. I stand at his statue on this city’s street and humble myself at his feet knowing awe stumbling to it by sheer accident.... my father

“What is it?” Nigel asks me as I watch absently squirrels gathering their acorns. Sit on the wood floor with legs up against me, my head against the wall. “You’re so quiet these last few days...”

His hands run up my arms as he sits behind me. He pulls me to him sitting behind me

“I think that I realize now that identity.... is a riddle about the measure of being different.... and I don’t know why the relevance of this has left me so empty lately. The shift of meaning seems to appear to me more about the emotions that drive us; the desperate ones.... What is voice, Nigel? When I can only whisper?”

A listing of the Tales and Fables

A convenient compilation of the SansinGauf Tales and Fables from previous entries for purposes of codes and literary references; suggestion; clues;& encrypted meanings for those on the labyrinthine breadcrumb trail of morass

(from June 11, the Legend Creates a Fable)



When I meet with the wizard he tells me I must write a fable

I say why?

He tells me I am indebted to use my gift to deliver a message

To whom?

But he only says in a vague shrug,
“Humanity.”


The Legend Creats a Fable...... this is The Fable he has asked me to write for humanity:



What she knew falling down upon the soft mossy earth was total exhaustion; for the Faery Empress had traveled many leagues and fought dangers that jeopardized her mission and her very survival.

It had been long known of her coming to this part of the deep forest world and her arrival had been expected and hoped for these many generations as fables and legends had been passed down and embellished upon of her purpose and the change her influence would create by her arrival.

Only SansinGauf knew of the grave dangers that would challenge the possible coming; the Empress Faery. He had watched her progress and journey from his glass; the one he had made of Dortil sands; ground by ritual by the full moon for six cycles. He alone knew how to make such a glass and how to ask of it the wisdom it was known to portend.

SansinGauf had watched her fall six nights hence from that very glass, she had been chased into the Forrest by the lapis swans who were the deadliest sending creatures the Hadesissians had and were mostly reserved for extreme  situations as their venom, once administered, emitted such a strong poison that it drained the great Hadesiss of a week's supply of his kingdom's emnil grain; the grain his peasants lived on who worked the fields.

Once she had reached the Forrest World, however, the lapis swans could not follow and this territory was beyond Hadesiss' commanding empire; not that it was with respect that the swans turned to head back to their master with their news; the invisible wall at the entrance of the Forrest World would kill any without invitation, instantly, by agonizing death if the ageant's sting (a deadly bee-like creature that lived only in the Forrest).

It took six days for SansinGauf to find her, using his small, pocket-sized glass. It was tedious going all the way to find her, however, as the exterior parts of the Forrest were more overgrown with ruckless weed than anywhere else (ruckless weed; was known for its camouflage charm to confuse invaders who might have managed to pass the invisible wall).

He watched her fall. In the glass. She fell like a broken sparrow.

He had watched her from the glass.... longer than he could remember. Only, it was only one human life time ago he first saw her. How many hundred had he seen through? To walk this earth and go unnoticed and drift in between worlds; toiling here, toiling there.... admittedly, he had spent several human lifetimes being rather lazy. Quite lazy, in fact. Enjoying the nice plant that the valley friends provided. His valley friends; he liked to spend holiday with them. They were somewhat known in the human world, roughly speaking. Amongst that world, they shaved their feet to fit in, but they did not really fit in. And only the ones that wanted to ever left this world for that one. They did not tend to stay away, however. Why would they?

So, as it was, SansinGauf, knew how to relax, but he enjoyed his work more and being the most admired Sansin yielded a great deal of reward so as to make his work quite enjoyable. As far as wealth, he would likely be the most wealthy in the world, but he owned nothing. He was obliged what ever he desired if he asked. But SansinGauf was a wizard of principle and since he never accepted payment to treat the Forrest World's ailments, if there were things he required for a need for which he could not provide himself, he would gladly accept an obliging gnome's provisions; whatever that might be. This is, no doubt, how he came by their weed.


(from June 12 Fae of Morgan)



Fae of Morgan




When you speak of shape shifting, that is only just a shadow of what it is. That is to say, it is a kind of illusion that anyone is the shape they take because everyone really is everything and everything does contain everything.

SansinGauf was wizard stuff, to be sure; the kind all legends of his kind are based upon. Wise and yet still curious, thus containing that element of wonder always. This is the secret of youth; to stay in wonder.....

In the Forrest World time stands still. Rather, there is no time. You go in there and the rest of the world continues; you can watch it all through a telescope too and it looks like speeding on a highway. The images move fast past the windows. That is how time looks from the other side.

Within the Forrest World SansinGauf was exactly as he always was; is; slight of body, like an agile and lean skinned athlete and very tall of frame with notably long arms and fingers; his legs were quite long as well; like his toes and feet which gave him great balance walking ledges and hills; so he had some quality of one of those daddy long legs spiders, wearing a long cape (that took on colors like gray or sage or deep marine blue) and a long, wilted knitted felt top hat dyed of woad and mended numerously with silver gilt thread that fell to his right shoulder from years of knocking into his sheep staff (his sheep were used only for their wool and they never left his side unless by his command).

So watching the Empress Mage Maevis Fae fall like a broken sparrow.... well, it was his moment to become one with this myth, for he had watched her story unfold before him.... on that other side of his glass.... she had been like his mythic legend; untouchable yet almost real; all these years, you see.....

To be sure, it is necessary to mention, many stories have been based upon SansinGauf, in fact, in your world, too; many legends and many fables.... he is wise and powerful; he is old and young; he is generous of heart but always keeps his head about his shoulders.....

She was a little fallen angel falling from the sky

and so, like a magnetic chord to his very center he was pulled to that little faery; to save the belle with the misty gossamer wings,  invisible to the human eye.....her fall rang with her cry that sounded like little bells tinkering down a well. Tinkering bells.....

She looked like a redwood tiger lily

That was her color. If you took alizarin crimson and mixed in a bit of gold.... she was a wood faery. Heir apparent .....faeryqueen; but she had been raised among peasants to protect her identity. A bit wild, to be sure and possibly feral as well; how could he not love her?

And so it took him days to locate her because of the ruckless that grew everywhere; and yet he knew this Forrest very well, even the borderline parts because he traveled quite often beyond it. This journey took him many days and he journeyed alone, without his sheep as the thick brambles would have easily caught their wool. He came prepared too, knowing about the poison of the lapis swans. By now the Hadessins would have given her up for dead not expecting that SansinGauf was watching out for her; long prepared and aware of the forecast. He had prepared the potion and knew what had to be done to preserve her life and revive her from the haunted sleep that slowly consumed her breath.

When he finally found her night had long fallen but it was a full moon. She had actually fallen between the shield of the wall and her invisible right wing was badly caught. This was unfortunate ....his heart broke for her when he realized, rushing to her side; this had not showed on the glass and he realized this would take more time.

When he touched her face it had gone that shade of pale violet. He had only just made it in time. She was down to her last breath. He moved to her side quickly but with light and careful moves and knelt to her, placing his mouth gently over her deathly pale delicate lips; he breathed. He breathed for her. One very long breath first. He exhaled into her, speaking the words. He watched the purple smoke choke out of her. Then lay down beside her. He could not free her wing until she could breath on her own and the violet cast to her skin was gone.

He had to tilt her face to him as he lay carefully beside her, keeping the caught wing slack so as to not cause it further damage. She was still in pain, the caught wing....he could feel it.... the poison of the Forrest shield had been slowly killing her despite her magick; he reached inside the deep pocket of his cape and felt for the silver box. He placed the flower petal against her right wrist where the pulse beat and held it there with his thumb. He cast ....saying incantation, tapped her with the blue jeweled tip of the fine handle of his blade where a blue energy of light took to glow and come alight.

And so he lay thus: one arm cradling her head and shoulder and the other hand holding the soft petal to her wrist, breathing into her. It was slow going as she was so cold. Her veins would not allow the flow of the potion until she reached a warmer body temperature, he knew, which is why he erected the shield of camouflage; throwing his cape about once peeling away all that lay between their flesh. Bare skin to skin they lay beneath his cape; he breathing into her mouth and holding her tiny wrist; he then closed his eyes and fell asleep holding her to him as if he were her fortress.

SansinGauf was always caring of small animals, of course he loved his sheep and all manner of living creatures.... his great love had been his step sister whom he could never have and all his life his passions were shared with deep affection, but no one had ever captured his heart since his first love.

Watching Fae fall from the sky, as Fae is her name, plain Fae....

the years of study and preparation for when the time would come to ....entwine their fates and purpose as it had been long foretold, long expected to prevent what was to be the evil threat on the horizon


seeing the Empress before him at last, SansinGauf was nearly in awe and all his years of healing kicked in

only stopped to realize for a second--

.....he needed to heal, not just the flesh, but the fragmented soul inside as well.... he felt it as he lay beside her..... felt her soul and all of her pain for within there he felt the poisonous wounds of this incarnation .... the kind to damage deep, which she hid so deeply that it haunted her waking mind. She had spent a life beaten and in chains until she had been found by the faery kingdom and reclaimed; too late.

This had been known

But only now did he understand what this had done to her

knowing only the greatest force could possibly heal this

but where would the chances be to save humanity if she herself was not healed? SansinGauf lay there beside her thinking, watching the full moon watch him; watch them.... it was by morning when he stirred and saw that her invisible wing had been freed..... by the power and light of the moon and the morning light; morganlicht;

"Fae of the morning light ...." he whispered aloud, giving her his pet name, whilst still half asleep. He was over five hundred lifetimes older than the Fae of morganlicht .....

.....and SansinGauf had been called upon for this, task..... and well, she needed a healer, after all; he had saved her life which made him feel responsible for her, so in conflict of emotion he felt ....love for her

like a father but also,

like a lovesick poet.

By the light of the moon he had been too exhausted to find resolution with this thought and fell asleep under the full moon on the eve of the last day of April, as depicted by the human calendar and then awoke breathing out the morning dew of Fae

(from August 4, King Shite)More tales from SansinGauf
From SansiGauf's 'Tales of What's in a name?'

'SansinGauf and the One-day Swan; or Sin of Ella'

Once upon a time, deep in the Forrest long, long ago there was a small kingdom. A very small kingdom. There was, of course, a very small king, King Shite, but he thought he was a very big king as he presided from his throne of Shite.

He liked wealth. He liked to advertise ....his idea of his own wealth as it made him feel big.

King Shite was also not a very attractive sight but he always knew to be respected it was important to portray an image of glamorous appeal to complete his facade, so in his search for his queen he looked for the trophy prize, no matter the cost of character.

Ella was everything a queen should look like. She was beautiful, regal, a charming hostess, desired by many and looked the figure head to a principality's jewel in the crown. There was just a slight blemish or two about her reputation that the family had done well to coverup. King Shite only discovered these little scandals after the first born.

The first born; his golden child. King Shite welcomed the addition of his first born with joy and pride, never once concerning himself over the fact it was a girl, even as tongues tsked.  If he thought there could be a female king then he wrote it in his law books; carved it in stone, as well, and hung it over her crib from the first day of her life. Her name was Duday and would one day be King Duday

Heir apparent of Shite, she also wrote laws from that day forth. Duday grew up in a charmed image of life; if life served her sour grapes, King Shite turned it into a punch --sometimes his backhand was lethal

Duday inherited the king's Shite-y physical characteristics and from early on, the golden hair on her head only crowned a warted cauldron, hot nest that seemed a witches curse; nose of toad, pitted olive, and lard of belly. However, and good for the young female king to be, she had another trait inherited which confirmed without a doubt she was in deed the king's seed as it emphasized her predisposition towards personal greed and self advancement at any cost of conscience (assuming there ever had been any as the king's line were not goodly folk). She loved to take. Even if it was not at first hers. In the end, everyone always found that what was hers was hers no matter whose it first had been and as this was one of her own laws, this was not stealing; nor unlawful

So, along these measures, she was a good, honest, and just princess of Shite; the heir apparently to the king of Shite; yes, she was good, and just to be the next king of Shite-land, learning, first hand, the king's arbitrary rules of conducts and law.

Queen Ella, though beautiful and charming, was not happy. In truth, she had been forced to marry this king by her family as she had one too many clandestine affairs; sadly, all ending in her heartbreak. Queen Ella was not really bad by nature. However, her choices were not usually very good. She also had an unfortunate nasty trait that only came out when her heart got broken. This trait was to turn into a beast and lash out at anyone who happened to be near. The smart quickly learned to know when to stay away.

There had been one love that she believed was her true love but for many reasons her family disapproved of this love. Among the her family listed was: already had a wife, was counted among their feared and prejudiced enemy, and he was a dangerously powerful warlord known as the Black Panther King; although a godly man and loved and hailed by his people to whom, in turn, he was loyal and just to.

However, Queen Ella's first several years of marriage went smoothly. For when Queen Ella tried, she knew how to live in good behavior, abiding sanctities of contracts and public handshakes. She also enjoyed the riches King Shite swathed upon her to charm her into the submissive queen he imagined her to be. Queen Ella was willing to go along supposing this delusion, almost convincing herself at times that her smiles were sincere. The king tried, after all. And she enjoyed the boxes of chocolate he surprised her with.... the silks.... the lavish summer palaces he built in her name that they traveled to often..... the banquets..... the jewels..... the flattery.... and even, at times, his beastiality.

It was only those other times.....

When she could not sleep


Was it King Shite's loud snoring? Or bad breath?

Was it the memory of King Panther?

Or was it the emptiness in her heart?



(August 17 from the Man Who Sold the World)


the man who sold the world

Once upon a time long ago..... back in the time of kingdoms and heathens

there was a princess who, by will of her family, was to be married off to the prince who was from a northern kingdom, in past, often at war with theirs. So this alignment was to seal a pact between two rival kingdoms over power through land

Both lands lay across the edge of land before it dips suddenly and  deepens sharply into sea

If you go to the edge, you may look out..... into the sea

That never ending sea that continues as far as your eyes can see

White capped.... and often brutal.....

but in cherished times, a backdrop of such breathtaking beauty it stops your heart

These two lands were neighbors and so, it is possible to imagine the awkward proximity these rivals have of their enemy

If at war, the neighbor mocks you in sleep

Boarder fears

Unrest

So you must always install men to stay watch all through the night.... this becomes the quiet and constant paranoia only enabled further by continual skirmishes between them occurring whilst the kings slept. If they slept. For both learned naught to rest and to sleep always with one eye open

The joining of the opposing kingdoms through marriage presented the best solution as other deals were struck to ensure their ease of comfort of power control that would not emasculate their thrones

In the presence of their people and legal aides, the bargain was struck

So it was a fine day when the Princess Lokael was firmly guided to the alter before the court of her lands of birth and for the first time her eyes befell her prearranged betrothed on this wedding day.

To be sure, her heart stopped

and she did stumble. Her lady maid whispered and steadied her foot.... but the Princess Lokael had not broken the current his eyes upon hers held her within

She had been angry

She had raged at her mother and father over this union....insulted over the filth it had left on her skin to be bartered like a sheep. For to her own family she had only been seen as a doubtful reminder

Lokael's family never felt she was of their blood as both her parents had been dark and she had been born with hair like fire

The prince's family had no such prejudice for reasons that went back generations. As well, the two families did not mix beyond their negotiating meetings

And so, on that wedding day when for the first time his eyes befell her, the Prince Ionydd watched her emerge from the cluster of ladies.... his eyes were dragged by the power of her flames.... and he could not free himself.... and never broke from that moment on consumed as he was

It was a silent pact

Between them

Whilst neither had wanted the bargain

But they had not been at liberty to communicate their wishes to each other

But by family obligations, they had to fulfill this bargain. And each knew this

In the princess' mind she had been prepared to thwart the desires of the princes' every wish from the start.....

she had intended

However..... once the magnet drew them together that fine day.....

and without spoken promise of the necessity of words, together, at their alter of union, they built a private, silent and more sacred bargain that needed no pact nor handshake....

For.... this was a pact of trust that was beyond mortal flesh 

agreed between in deepest faith .....from that first eve of their consummation


But what neither knew was that the Prince's father had bigger visages than what was agreed upon in this pact; he was interested in the princess' lands and so.....

And so, in secret,the King made another pact with Yiogeoth who was known for his warring ships from beyond that sea....

(from August 20, the Fable continues; edge of the eclipse)



So in our tale our prince of those northern lands Albion; Avalon, Prince Ionydd, as he was…. and he was worth the double take to our fair, but flaming haired Princess Lokael, and as well, she was worth his lightening bolt shock as there was great love shared between our royal lines that may have been signed in blood, but their love became the stuff of legends.

Between the two of them, they produced three offspring. Two before her capture and a third years later upon her return to the island….

But are we getting ahead of ourselves?

Bailey interrupts and challenges me that I am not up for the task at hand. Am I prepared to tell this tale?

“Do you not think I am the perfect person to tell it?” I ask him.

‘Sweetheart, I’m not in the room with you and they will hear you….’

‘oh, I said that aloud, didn’t I?’

‘I don’t think you should chance it just now….’ but then I sense his sigh as he continues, ‘the eclipse is close…. The pull is strong with you…. Wait until…. Hmmm …you will know’

(from August 27, Loki hair like flame)

"If you are studying anthropology then I can't imagine why you are here...."

"Why would you say that?" he asks me simply

"Well, because it is so far from ....."

"--from???" he feigns ignorance; is it to mock me?

I ask him

He turns himself away ....we are on a walk and we have reached the bridge.... there is always something about rushing waters.... what is that.... it is the magic mystery of the water spirit that is so attuned to this earth

He looks at me and I see  the the wise old man.... but he is not old, you see.... I see it in his eyes

he looks past me, he looks at scenes he sees inside me

he is searching for the entrance into the labyrinth

but that he knows it's there

he does not ask.... he is aware

so I watch with curiosity

I wanted the champion ....do not get me wrong; but the cynic is born of loss of heart

I turn away now because our silent conversations seem to be going faster than us mere mortals can.... manage .... to withstand --we are, after all, bound and contained to the vessel that is connected to this earth and realm.

"There is a symposium ...." he stops pointedly to look at me. He stares. It is again confirmed by his eyes.... as he seems to decide...too --then

"Do you know about it?"

I just wait

"Well? Tell me if you do, this is important."

"I don't know," I tell him

"But your eyes say you do..."

We both smile. I feel so.... strange ....and stirred

"Nigel....who are you?"

He is looking down into my face like someone who has seen this so many times. As if memorized, he outlines my lips with his fingers. They move to my chin and he lifts my head up to look at him closer.

"Why do you tremble, mon fē?" but he has moved closer and has cornered me by the wall outside and he rests his hand on my shoulder, gently and with no more than an unspoken command, he draws me into his arms without moving a muscle. And when I do, his arms go limp and wrap around me like a vine. He seems to fit around me thus, each part of us a place to fit as he presses me to the wall. Nobody sees. There is no one around. Everyone seems to be at church. And we too worship

"I was studying the founders of Oregon in the library ....that day you walked in," I don't even know what made me stop in there. I think it was just part boredom and part trust that this was ....an actual hunch.... there was a book mark inside the book that I was reading and it was of a druid....seemed misplaced reading about Christianity being the motivator of the book's subject in why they missioned onward to Oregon, newly arrived as they were.... I am studying anthropology ....yes.... but that is not the extent of my research; it's just one part of what my work is covering...." he stops and reflected. He studies me some more and touches my cheek with the back of his fingers. He touches me as if I am porcelain and.... I don't know if I should be offended by this, only that I react automatically. I find that with hardly the suggestion of any intimacy he manages to disturb my deepest intimacies

He looks at me now as if he knows it ....too

I see him smile

Slow. As he watches my eyes. I see he uses subtlety. That is his choice tool --and weapon?

He is about contrasts and symmetry.

"We are twins," he whispers against my ear, "only I'm a man and you're a woman...." his words only sharply make their point when I feel within my audio orifice a sudden tickle that leaves wet. It is staggering to feel this.

I hear his laugh only when I feel his arms catch me!

"I must have lost my balance!" I say as I'm embarrassed and dizzy

"I think you fainted...." he whispers this into my ear and quickly moves away to look at the effect his words have on me. "You're flushed, mon fē...." he stares at me now and leans into against the wall; and with one very adept move he holds both my hands to the wall by lacing his fingers through mine. "Have I told you how beautiful I think you are?" and he has become intense now as he looks at me, "I didn't say what had been written on that book mark.... it said 'Loki with hair like flame' and I looked up and saw you...."

This shudder was all consuming because he had touched every level of my being with that; I was in chaos trying to find my ground and.... he smelled like cedar which.... reminded me of something else.....

it is like breathing underwater.... to kiss him

it is the way it happens without thought of how or what or why; instinct without the intention because it is the air that fills the lungs

breathing under water

his mouth .....but tenderness is only the edge of how aggressive his subtlety is spoken

he knows how.... and has the willpower to ....

"I was only to be here until next Wednesday ...." stop

I am used to this.... yet I feel the sting

I think of Bailey's words.... I'm his little fool, aren't I?

from aug 30 the walls; part ix

"Why don't you just tell me who he was?"

"Because I don't want all of this to be about him."

I don't like this conversation .... I am uncomfortable

He takes me to the university library and begins to play a game of his clever skills at research and at first, I admit, I was extremely fascinated with everything he was showing me. I mean.... he is so smart, I could listen to him all night and it wouldn't matter about what he felt like talking about because I like all these things too; I've never known anyone like him before. He fascinates me. It is his mind. I love his mind.

But now he says,

"so what was his name?"

"Who?" I ask.

He waits at the university's keyboard to type in what he's asked me.

"Your real dad."

At first I freeze, then feel sick and then start to get dizzy ....and have to grab the table because I start to fall and cannot breath. My instincts force me to bolt and I just go, I run out of there and hear nothing but my pounding heart

I don't know, nothing clears for awhile, I am outside and I can catch my breath again. To my relief I have managed to do this without attracting attention. Soon I realize that Nigel is there and I begin to wonder about how long he has been there.

He is watching me

"Wait.... I say.... what were we just talking about?"

I look at him. I am disoriented. I dislike when this happens to me. It really worries me. I think Nigel affects me.... I think he is getting in

getting in

getting in too close.....

I begin to hyper ventilate and he starts to walk towards me ....I am scared

you know

because

how can I trust him? I can't let him in here

And then it's so much worse! I get sick right there! So....

But Nigel ....he is so sweet to me. He removes his oxford shirt to put it around me because he says I was shivering. I don't remember this, just his hand holding mine once we are back at his university flat. He draws me a bath and bathes me and has me lay inside his arms in the water. And then he hums to me. His voice a soft rumble that vibrates from his chest....I feel it through my back rib cage like I am a xylophone; my head a tuning fork.... and let him take it where he may

He tells me silly stories from things he read as a kid.... and I hear it in his voice. I hear it..... when I turn and look up at him I know he has known hurt .... I know he has hurt too.... this is how he recognizes mine.... he was once hurt .... this is what it is about him.... he is fierce and vulnerable at the same time. And I am mad for it about him. It is what I crave about him. There is nothing for it because it was there as soon as I saw it there in his eyes. This is the strange duality that -- why do I think of Hegel?

he seems half ashamed bared before me ....I see that--because he fears he may have hurt me without meaning to

I cannot say what happened back there but I would like to know

This has happened to me before. Something in conversation will trigger my mind to go blank and I won't know what was just said. And then the talking in my sleep gets me in trouble.

When I see his eyes I know already we have something crazy between us, there is a pull that tugs from somewhere deep and I can't get enough of his eyes. I kiss him on the mouth and wrap around him

these came from the blog entries as follows

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/07/faeryqueen.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/06/fae-of-morgan.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-legend-creates-fable

html?m=1http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/from-sansigaufs-tales-of-whats-in-name.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/the-man-who-sold-world.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/eve-of-eclipse-of-dawn.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/prince-and-fae-awaken-eclipse.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/loki-with-hair-like-flame.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/08/why-dont-you-just-tell-me-who-he-was.html

http://legendsofelectra.blogspot.com/2017/12/so-worthy-my-green-eyed-warrior.html

Oregon Chronicles; Writing on the public bus on the way to work

    ......makes it easy for anonymous confession because..... I've been skirting some issues and missing keys.... and letters with fingers on bus rides that don't make sense.... code and typos & hidden

It is so much easier to say out of context .... but I don't know where to begin but my no gray matter shades are more psychedelic

So if this were a Quiten Tarantino movie we would rewind

Because there is this darker side to Nigel and me

I have only glossed over

I don't want to put what happens in a light of any filth

sexually .....and to ignore this

in my Electra confessions

This is my dictionary

& ....I am Electra

It happened there. Right there.

deranged so —I worry we are treading on some areas that --as an artist?

.....but isn't it what matters, then.... anyway

Dissecting the scientist; of the Oregon chronicles & meeting Nigel

"This is too soon for me, Nigel...." I tell him and feel myself shrinking before him.

"Is it really so deep?" His tone disarms me. Again. I try to pull back.

But his touch.... is like both father and mother.... to me. 

It is a strange notion and not one I understand at all but like the curious cat one has to know; maybe because I’ve never known it and....

There is such a strangeness

the odd way he looks at me, and how he calls me his ‘mon fē’ from his childhood realm;

Only some moments I find I feel I am like —what is it, exactly? like I am his lab animal that he studies....looking under some microscope?

and something else that is sort of twisted that, at present, I am too shy to write about ....and I start to fear that —
I don't know, this thought occurs to me—this apprehension.... that we are —like ....only sinking further kind of into each other's madness

or is this what all civilizations begin like?

He seems to see me—

unlike Chris—

who would look right at me and not notice me there. So how is it that Nigel knew I was an artist from just one glimpse at my hands.... that day at the Ashland library....?

That day he looked so.... proper Englishman in his neat oxford collar and wearing a fedora.... like some scientist from the 1940’s.... and did I write this already? He isn’t just a professor and a doctor of psychiatry, he’s also an archeologist—he was some kid prodigy and finished his first set of degrees by the time he was twenty..... but should I be flattered then that the way he looks at me actually makes me feel like ....some kind of artifact found in a bog—

isn’t that a strange thing to feel? He has the oddest stare....

To illustrate between the lines
.....my hat fetishes (which for me goes back to when I first started being aware of style and old Greta Garbo movies) After Garbo the Daisy hat from the Great Gatsby that Mia Farrow wore, and I would love that bowler from Unbearable Lightness of Being but, truth told, I am most partial to the newsboy

so about Nigel.... he likes to shop for clothes with me and go into the dressing rooms
—is that weird?


Our fetishes.... I think that is behind the kinky edge of our sexual attraction

I have glossed over this about him. About us. It confuses me. You see. Switching roles; role reversals and I suppose I am not ready to write about this

but he can make the simplest motion erotic in a strange coquettish way that ..... disturbs me

It is like a shattered mirror

meeting Nigel

today I return a book to the Ashland library-- it was such hot today, the heat made me dizzy

I met someone; his name is Nigel, he is working on some project; he researches.... what is it he said he does? he vaguely said something about anthropology .... then he stared at me.

So strangely, and it made me think: like the lighthouse, his eyes.

 as I turned to go

I don't know if it is because I could feel his eyes first, it is when I look up from the floor that I see him sitting at the desk and somehow I drop my phone and my glasses fall off at the same time, both landing in his lap! I notice his book is on druids but his bookmark has the image of Loki

and this is how we meet; losing my sight and all communication, I suppose this would have been the only way ....how else do two shy people meet

 after all?
He says to me,

"Hi, I'm Nigel,” it began


Then he says
“I would like to see you again.... would you mind-- may I call you?"

So....

he says he wants to meet again

I am always in hesitation over new acquaintances


But there was something about how he kept staring at me that made me curious

So..... we do, we meet in town for coffee. He has has such mystery about him and it seems he stares at me when we talk. He stares at me; what does that mean? watches me.... everything I do..... and when he calls me later....and says something so strange,

"I want to know everything that has happened to you.... I want to understand your mind."

I tell him I have to go and later I think about it and wonder.... what does he want?

he stays on my mind all day and later I go slip out to think; it is so stifling there at night where I'm staying in Talent, a very small --not even really much of a town with one grocery store and its own little library, a couple of shops that you never see anyone go inside and everything is closed by five

and by now the sun has already begun to set ....

it is by the clock by where are benches with vines that wrap around the entrance way to a kind of secret enclosure and there I go to think and be alone, escaped from the opprssion of the family whose house I rent a room from as there are no apartments anywhere around

it is when I am there awhile, I notice someone across the street ..... and see him there!....  as if he knew I'd be there

he crosses the street and walks over to me but stops a few feet away and looks at me and waits, then finally says,

"Say something," he seems to watch me like.... a kind of subject....I think

 I will write more ....on this..... I have to think ....I need to be alone

Faeryqueen

'I think you need to be honest with yourself-- he was destroying you.... everything you gave have he used up; your cars, your credit, your exhaustion.... you were being evicted for the third time.... he drank your rent and blew it on whatever manic idea crossed his mind.... sober is he? What's in there....? He never saw you.... you were a blurry drunken haze; a dream; he never saw you....'

I cry when he says this....

'It was your final martyr act ....and now your true work begins.... you have suffered all human pain now.... you have allowed yourself to experience what human form is.... so now be like a good Tolkien princess and perform your miracles....'

I am crying.... very funny.... he is so cruel. So very cruel....

I must reflect

I see Eliot has texted and I need the distraction

I have come to the conclusion that everyone is crazy

His text is that he is here! I am so happy..,.,! Wow, I was not expecting his presence at all and I feel myself become flushed and stupid

Why does he affect me this way. I look at him and a want to throw up. I mean, I get seasick. I get that weird feeling. What is that? An adrenaline rush.... each time I see him it is better than the last time.... I don't know.... I hate this feeling

I really do

So I have to stop because Bailey is in my head. He is looking at me with concern

'Oh there you go again!' He tilts his head to one side, 'Angel.... when will you ever learn? You've always had that weakness for the boys, but I cannot bare another broken heart of yours, it's just too painful to watch you....'

Already I am crying, and I hear him sigh as I turn to go; just bolt right out of there

This world is crazy or I am or both and isn't it all so fucked up anyway? I am only stretched like that bow; springloaded; about to be jettisoned through outer space

He said breath