gaps of mental proportions/ed noir jm chron

I walk the width of the room,

“….when we say ‘edit and go back….’ you know….my grandfather —“ I stop and just feel caught here somehow 

I walk the length of the room and the fugue within stirs —I am so dizzy always when this whirlpool unravels ….

I have to lean against the wall to steady the world 

    When parts of a memory 

      have been erased …..

    other memories …. are there but …. you know when you find the source of a pain it ….stuns 

Those little things. Those ties. You know—from the loose ends which had become undone 

You start to realize why 

    why did my grandfather take such an interest in me? Why did he hire detectives …. it is so strange to imagine what it must have felt for him….he was so unassuming —was my grandfather. But he was the silent power behind everything; even grandma—who was the spine of the Sunshines; after her that line was gone but now I realize why and for what reason people did and acted upon things and then behaved ….badly 

Aloud I say to Jörn with a heavy sigh,

“we lived in Halesite —a villege on Long Island when we got the news he passed away—my grandfather lived to be old like my aunt and the other grand dad ….but when he died—?that really is when the devil’s true face appeared and guess about when that happened?”

Jörn looks at me,

“about after you left Bard….”

I meet his eyes. 

Jörn says,

“your protector was gone.”