Jm muse; disarming the complex noir

“You know those subtle things that ….happen—looking back….you realize what ….” I stop to take a breath —then, forge on, “you missed….” 

Jörn watches me. We have spent days together enclosed in this ….time we have together ….it has allowed me to learn how to let him in again 

He says,

“go on, tell me….duva—what was it ….? I am not here as your head shrinker, or spy— you should know by now ….we have a bond ….”

I must turn away. I am not used to any such ….kind words ….life has been so brutal to me for so long. Kind words make me cry

I will all of my strength not to weep and swallow as a painful tear breaks my wall. But I cannot let on. I am me. I am mine. I belong to me. And I am fine….nothing comes in and nothing goes out and we are very very far far away ….not here….

“he said ….” I stop. I start. “He said….” I stop I start. 

“‘Cuckold’ he said,” I glance at Jörn, “it was always in their fights! And point to me! He’d say, ‘you think I don’t know I was cuckhold? That bastard nigger baby….’”

and the asthma kicks in. 

I don’t let on. 

I am strong. I am tough. I don’t need anybody ….and there, the agony releases —my shield 

I am armed. I am prepared. Nothing comes in….

“….yeah,” I say, “it was scathing and hurtful remarks to me—he said ….cruel things all the time, of course. Stupid. Was number one. But I tested genius as a kid. He put me down for being dyslexic but he never came out and said it to my face but he said that no one in his family history had my problem. And pointed out physical things about my body as I was growing up. They were insulting now thst I understand what he was saying ….

“but I was just in the way…. Wasn’t I? He just hated me for what we know now for a reason that is ….i was a product of sin; adultery. The product of his wife fucking a notoriously famous politician. You know? Even though she knew Ethan first; loved him all her life; was her first and true love; forced not to marry!!! Because it was the way it was—born on the wrong side of the blanket. I blindly have carried the weight of their ‘sins’ ….and offered myself as scapegoat to thst father —why, Jörn? Because I felt it! I felt it. I could never quite grasp why ….but I felt dirty ….and I didn’t know why ….what did I do? What was this curse….?”