views from the mountain 

Electra’s dictionary; living/time

I think about Elan and the connection to that her in me. The feel of the motion in my hips when I am walking ….it is like that horizon has never left me…. I am always chasing it ….searching for it ….trying to find my way back to it 

And outside it is ….

Yet another snow storm and I am lost in my thoughts. 

I pace the rooms all day and forget to eat ….reading the same sentence in a Room With a View 600 times …. 

Because I try to be centered—find the normal within ….within this mad mad world ….it just gets wackier out there so whatever ….the Chi inside is mine to claim 

Jörn has left me space 

    ….the times in the night he visits me when I’m sleeping I think are dreams as it is happening ….he does this on purpose ….you see? it is the elephant in the room I’m pretending isn’t there ….by hiding myself away upstairs as he does —Dracula things? whatever he does ….what does he do? hunts….? 

But it is clearly a gift he has honed. I just never realized how good at it he is. It’s a mental thing but it’s not because he can do it even if I’m asleep. He enters my dreams. I don’t really think it’s ethical. This is what makes me kind of annoyed with him 

but ….like I say, he is very good at what he does ….and I also think a part of it is something far deeper —it is as though he is waking her up —no….he is waking up that part that was her within me that I forgot and —how can I be angry at him if ….he is trying to find me again as Elan —while selfish perhaps, it seems almost the opposite; a shocking deeper level of ….

This is why I choose time to myself ….we have not even spoken beyond a perfunctory and polite Goodmorning over coffee and, pass the lingonberry jam which could be any time of day…. it’s a blur lately, the intensity of the impact I continue to reel in ….

And if I were to be frank with myself, would I truthfully say I never suspected he was a vampire? I totally blindsided myself 

It was that whole ….emotion ….he gave me —I felt a knowing of him ….of him from another level of me —and I ached for him —it was immediate ….that wasn’t his Dracula magic; it was the surprise moment the first time I ever saw him but I pretended it wasn’t there. But I knew it was. There was a pull. It was as if a powerful magnet was drawing me before I even looked up, but he wasn’t yet looking at me ….before we got into the elevator —the day with Gerald, we were talking on the way heading by the mailboxes in the lobby ….he had the cello and was turned toward the street still as he came in through the apartment building’s glass doors 

What was it? It was something so familiar —the silhouette of him—it was the way he carried himself ….the cello case ….the set of his Viking shoulders and the glint of gold in his hair as the sun caught it in its light ….that was what it was; like stupefied for a moment —and if I were to consider this now, I guess ….there was the sense, how could that be? But no—as if—Elan thought it

how could that —him ….still be?

Time after time; Electra’s dictionary noir, jm chron

I type into my phone as thoughts wander, and still skirt the Dracula subject —I’m not quite ready

Time~ among Jörn’s world does really flow differently, it fools with the mind. It is as if the world out there is some outer galactic place 

It is possible I am just quite mad or that is only a symptom of —what Dr. Rothschild had opened my mind to; Dr. Brian Weiss’s best selling book Many Lives Many Masters is a profound journey past the white light

Why do I think of this now? Brian Weiss is a real psychiatrist and he had a patient who he was trying to help get over some serious phobias that were ruling her life. So, it begins with this account and how he used hypnosis to open her mind through unconscious awareness. This was how Dr. Rothschild had suggested to try hypnosis on me 

But what happens under hypnosis is, he asks her to go back to the original source of the phobia—he asks her to try to identify when this phobia began. The shock is her reply. As it turns out she says it was in Greece and during some time BC. Apparently  the woman was not well educated. So when the doctor asked for details of her surroundings or what food she ate or how food is prepared the woman gave a full detailed explanation for how things were prepared with ingredients not at all familiar to her locally, and more still—he asked for many details which he later researched to see if things added up. Being a university of Miami doctor, he had a lot of historical colleges who had access to information supporting what the woman described, Dr. Weis is stunned. Not only did things she said add up, but once out of hypnosis she had no memory of any of this. And he never told her because she was, in this life, a Roman Catholic.

He cured her phobias but she never knew how. And it had to do with a childhood trauma that happened from a previous incarnation. 

The doctor who wrote the book is a doctor of science and he had trouble believing what was happening. He was not a believer in the concept before this occurred. 

He was able to cure her of all her complaints and then he had future patients he regressed to help deal with deep rooted phobias. 

People are so complex—and I think this watching Jörn from the bedroom window shoveling snow…. and it is like I can see him —through Elan’s eyes in moments when my thoughts go unharnessed 

The mind and psyche are not just a brain with cerebral chemicals —it is much more 

And I suppose now as I think of headshrinkers in doctors offices ….their assessments and their labels —those mental tests they make you take when you’re on ‘the radar’ ….my laundry list of diagnosis that is as thick as a text book —and the man in the white coat who runs those tests looks at you like you’re a guinea pig and the somber look as he says, “unfortunately at the top of the list is borderline personality disorder too….tsk—one of the hardest to cure tsk….” Tsk tsk indeed

but as it was my field of study, I was able to combat his remarks calmly and correct his approach  —and pointed out it is just an umbrella term to make their jobs simpler by shoving you into a convenient box, 

but the human mind is far more complicated to be sliced up like everyone is the same, like sushi rolls on a conveyer belt and write in their files in neat bold letters with precision  numbers of what degree of a freak you are and the fun part; their candy box; the head shrinking drugs forced and applied—for their convenience ~borderline personality ‘disorder’ (there were a lot of other nutter names in that file for me, he was so pleased!)just needs to be better understood; that is the ones labeled as such need to be better understood and not forced to uniform to the world’s convenience 

And as I watch Jörn now and feel that other landscape come into my mental view I wonder how Dr. Weiss would assess once considered from Elan’s influences —often you see a tree with long branches that somehow grew around and through the wires of a fence. Experiences force us to bend and adapt and react but maybe other people who make up the ordinary world are not able to grasp the whys and the what’s of behavior so they need neat labels with neat prescribed answers—because for lab coat doctors, it is an abbreviation for having to think critically for themselves. People are not statistics; we’re individuals ….with many pasts

https://youtu.be/9AhoZBK1z50?si=dFHBNe0Xbhk-H8Dl

Electra’s dictionary noir; jm chron/diary thoughts; awakening to feeling Whole

The clarity I value more than anything. I lost that for such a long time; I could not find my thoughts; I could not find my connection —to the whole of my consciousness. 

I compare that to now. Waking up from that. After years. Of numbness. They forced prescriptions on me; four different psychiatric prescriptions. During that time— the years …. of sedation that are addictive —join us; they beckon….i lost everything whilst under their drugs; family; daughter; rights; sexual urges; passion; art; focus—I was a programmed value; their comfortable success story— neutered and numb; bloated and forgetting what me I meant to fight for 

But Jörn ….has never faltered, has never let these things that trapped me cloud his value of me 

How ungenerous I have been to him —I start to think….only no—I couldn’t fathom until now his ….steadfast and infinite loyalty 

It is like waking from anesthesia —the dulling sedative of sleepwalking zombies which the world so often seems but —with him 

All the years of searching and wishing to be seen…. how silly I have been; obtuse 

Alas, there is that sense of reconcile —only for once in my life I find still…. the need not to put all my thoughts into words or ….even think….

     because I find for now; right now— I prefer just being ….and feeling one with my whole Celf 

Electra’s dictionary Noir; jm chron/Waits&measures

Thoughts move more swiftly lately

The view I have come to love more from my glass foyer ice cubed shaped ad hoc studio.

    I suppose it is the permanence that, in its quiet way, works like a gentle fingered massage to my skull —Jörn never has to say a single word —I feel all his acutely and ….he does this consciously without intrusion 

And I appreciate this space —it isn’t that he allows it, it is that he understands it 

something I have still as yet to; but that is for another moment

no instead, I think about those minute and rather forgettable things I think of —the space of time in between events and there is my peace because it is in these such moments I think of in past when I recall being open ….to letting him in 

one has to be able to, 

the shields willingly laid down 

and when the inner Celf knows —this one’s ok, just feel the energy

How long has he searched for me? How many lifetimes with his one life time has he ….longed? ….but it is without sense to myself, it is only with the desire to fully understand him ….and once I remove myself from this equation I understand a little better ….and in time….i shall ask about the weight he has carried through the ….wait

Electra’s dictionary noir/more diary continued

Perhaps it is serenity I have sought 

    while it has seemed as though I could not find my way in this world —now I do; now this unsaid truth has been whispered to me, all is well within

my north 

    has always been where it always was 

Who I am— and all of myself fully I’ve walked that tightrope all the way and —how very blessed to know ….Jörn knows the whole of me 

….and more 

      to be seen is one thing but to be fully and utterly 

               loved and desired for ….perhaps a scope of things I cannot now comprehend 

That question again echoes …. “Do you know how long I have searched for you?”

Like some kind of indelible ink burned into my mind, he repeats this question to me for days now; I am haunted by his words 

It is too much—a lifetime of loss is more than enough for me—how many has he known….?

and—that nerve; that gut reaction of an empath —I am too much to the core of my Celf gutted ….by this very tragic thought