I say to him,
“you know, when you have a punisher— you know more about them than they do about you…. when he stood there—I mean….with the Bally belt…. the rage —you can sense it even befire it is there. You know it is coming. You know thst it is better barefoot to run—the prick of fear in the sweat gland —the warning to run!
“….you know when it it coming. You know the signs as it is building. It is present in the walls. As they shake. When he walks. It is present in his tone between the walls. It is ….present in my abdomen …. the sick feeling—the taste of fear….
“But you know him…. You study him. You watch. You stay up all night. You listen for everything. Every grunt. Every tv show choice ….every fake friendly phone call he makes ….the creek of the stair ….the footsteps ….
“you ….are. Ready!” and even now hold my breath
wait ….the tink of his tobacco pipe hitting the ashtray ….calling the dog to his side ….
and the fear ….tastes like what you vomit up medicine with the metal shavings from your last tooth filling but with acid not crunch
“You know your punisher and I saw him as weak —does that surprise, Jörn? I was so beyond caring of self that to test it I set off his rage by tendering the right button. Why? Was I just a masochist ….? well—a martyr —I did it to stop him hurting her—I let it be me instead ….the actual scapegoat
“I had a power over him ….but I never enjoyed it.”
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