Electra’s dictionary; Shoots and Ladders

I go to the farmhouse where the now vacated safe and drum table were; where Andreas and I often like to go when he is here

I go because I want .... to withdraw into shadow


It is during one of those times Jörn disappears to do ....whatever he does

this time longer

which is as well

as well because .... I don’t trust myself to be around anyone right now .... I will not say what I feel

I don’t want to see anybody or talk to anybody or feel, I don’t want to feel anything


I never want to feel again

I will not say because you know ....dictionary, you know ....and I won’t traitor myself; only —if only— for the sake of some blind faith in the Celf; I can’t do what everyone else has done to her.... the crumbs have lead me back only now ....Demeter is surely broken; is this —now— the deep Waters of Lethe.... how do I navigate when all sockets are blown....

It is now as I discover Andreas has left some of his stash behind on the little ledge by where he likes to spike his blunts

I see a note attached to an Altoids tin with my name spelled out across it and under it, it says in his handwriting

‘Escape hatch/panic button—Andreas‘

I wonder how long it’s been there and if Jörn came across it. And if so what he thought —as there it remained

Jörn goes sometimes to Canada, which is closed off now, the borders you know, yet he gets through .... it makes you wonder

Escape hatch.... yes, we go through the maze and I think about the devil may care attitude of Andreas, who, for perspective, is a very respectable, brilliant, young man especially compared to a lot of his youth .... these days .... not that it feels that long ago to me .... only.... but then.... we got lost in here, didn’t we, dictionary? like Rip Van Winkle....we got lost

I pace the gutted farm house as the dimming light pulls shadows and walk to the spots where those vacated objects once sat; a Safe locked inside .... but now safely lost in anonymity .... I go back to the tin and open it. There is a tiny one-hit pipe inside with a little orange bow and I notice it is already loaded


There are worse places to exile the world from me with the way the mountains look from here, and I think it is possible to imagine a world when it was still possible to escape into the great wild ....

It is now that something catches my eye on the floor by the other doorway which leads out to the old driveway. A pink folded piece of paper

I realize it is an invoice .... for medical supplies with quite a lot of zeros at the total and Jörn’s signature

art/doc.mural; consider expansion

Electra’s dictionary & Film Noir (jm muse chronicles)/Vol2 Level 2 Vampires in the night; 10 May 2020

“I am the son
      and the heir
            of a shyness
                 that is criminally vulgar


I am the son and the heir
Of nothing in particular”

 —lyrics from the Smith’s song “How Soon is Now”

https://youtu.be/OztC_7nkAd8





is there always a trade-off attached to a lie 

   —just to belong—to any social acceptance?

**********


{the mirror is held by the Vampire to allow reflection as he is the only one capable to guide as he bears the counter weight of identity as suggested in Platonic philosophy}~why the Vampire is guide

**************
dictionary, Vampires in the night....



Even as he gets up in the middle of the night when he receives a sudden call that wakes us and mysteriously leaves with only a kiss on the lips as explanation

returning hours later, some time late afternoon with not a word of his doing

he says to me,
“something is going on with you, you are being emotionally unavailable.”

he says this in a Spock-ish way, or the way Darwin might inspect an ant

It is possible to speak across the way because the acoustics echo off the high ceiling —like an auditorium or.... a theatre

It is now some time after two PM....never mind that

he stands by the front door— which is visible from the view of the kitchen window seat

I watch him with his laptop perched on the console as he looks up from his laptop to glance at me as he scrolls through his usual columns of endless data; I can tell this by the set of his posture and his expression

“Have you even looked long enough from your screen to see me? —but never mind that you took off in the middle of the night!” I say biting an apple seed and playing with the stem

And I notice by how he turns to look at me —that for a moment he is furious

I just shrug

Suddenly he laughs .... he taps something on the keyboard and shuts the laptop to walk over to me

I notice he’s wearing his running clothes. He’s all in black, like a ninja

“Where did you go?” I ask him

“You know I can’t tell you,” he says this and draws his brows as he stares the vampire stare at me before he says, “you’re not insinuating I am returning from some clandestine liaison....because you’re not the jealous type—“

“I’m not?” I ask and say, under my breath, “dangerous liaisons?”

“Well—“

“What ever gave you that idea?”

Jörn shakes his head and laughs,
“we both know that’s not where I’ve just come back from, I wouldn’t openly take a call in front of you and take off to—“

“Well ok—no, I wasn’t thinking that’s what was going on, but still.... I thought nobody is supposed to be traveling around now,” I say

“Well, actually, I do get clearance because—“

“Oh, right, you’re ‘Special Secret Spy Services’ I keep forgetting,” I say

which makes him laugh at me

“I also take back roads and avoid authorities,” he says this like an aside and half under his breath and then looks directly at me with a devilish glint he says, “I am an essential worker.”

“I knew you were going to say that,” I say

“There’s a case, duva, it’s nothing to do with you but it’s something that’s going on that I am not allowed to discuss and to be honest, I wouldn’t even want you to know about—“

“Really? What— you think I’m too dim witted or am I too much of a pussy to know?”

“Why are you deflecting?” he asks suddenly as he studies me, “you’ve been acting so strangely.”

“Have I?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

But he begins to lose his patients with me and pulls out a chair to sit by me at the table

“Something is going on,” he looks at me to read me, “you’re not telling me —but I know, I can feel it,” he says


*****

Is belonging a human need for surviving?

Electra’s dictionary; noir new world in a fucked up world (jm muse chronicles)

it is with the sunshine breaking through a crack from the window fabric, batik in shades of henna and terra-cotta

before I thought I heard music and then it is warm like sunshine

“It could not have been the mail, by the way, that you caught it from,” he says against my ear

“What do you mean—have you been reading my blog again?” I ask but am still half asleep

“The virus won’t live without a host that long,” he says



I realize now he’s forgotten I’m in quarantine


“What are you doing in here?” I ask suddenly awake, moving away, sadly, as it was warm

I look at him

it’s been awhile I’ve seen him .... actually

like having gone through a monsoon and then sucked inside a whirlpool

wtf was that ....how did I live through it ....as I don’t really remember much of the last two weeks except by some scary posts I wrote I found to document .... passages of time I guess

is that why I do it?

.... that is an epiphany ..... actually .... I never realized that

because —that’s what started the legend (note to Celf)

.... well, anyway, i was at times conscious I guess  ....



“The tests came when you were dead to the world —“

“How’d you get a test? I thought there were no tests available?” I interrupt

Jörn just gives me a look not bothering to answer that

“Oh..... yeah....” I say

“We both came up positive,” he says and I realize he looks a bit rough, “I didn’t get it as bad as you but by the time I realized I already had it you were out of it so I left you alone ....”

“I was concerned because—“ I stop and study him, “you know, men get it worse it says .... and your mother told me about that thing that happened to you once.”

“The thing?” he asks me leaning back against the headboard

“Some serious infection you had,” I say

“When did she tell you that?” his expression is stunned

“At the airport that day,” I tell him

Only now do I notice his appearance because more light filters in; his eyes seem full of stress I notice most

“So we are not contagious?” I ask him

He shakes his head,
“you mean to each other, no—“ he pauses as I move back to how I was before I moved away from him, “what else did she tell you about me?” he asks me

“Oh—something about some ggir— gone—long gong—past ....thing in your life.... I don’t remember,” I say

“You do remember,” he says this against the back of my head as if reading my mind “When did you have so much time to talk? I didn’t even think you much cared to chat with her,” he says

“I did tell you that day but, never mind— Jörn, you know, there was something that I meant to ask you before....” but I stop to think and get lost for a moment .... it seems to happen since I got sick, I forget what I was just thinking

 —so, instead I say,

“you said the safe went back to your country....”

“With the table,” he adds

“So, was that official government?” I ask as I am still trying to work it all out .... I can’t see his face but I try to turn

I hear his heavy sigh,
“duva....”

“I know you said you don’t want me to get involved but I am involved so —or don’t you see that?” I ask

“All right.... that’s fair.... “ but he is quiet as he thinks about what to say and he nervously rotates his fingertips up and down my arm as he thinks with an occasional tap like he is still playing his music

“Hmmm....” he says decisively .... but still nothing follows

I pull away and face him to look directly at him and notice his guilty expression

“I suppose you can say they were not pleased with some of my initiative about .... my investigation about you— no, that’s not true —it’s not about you. Well.... “ he stops and seems unsure how to proceed

“Jörn— wait, I just .... when did it change for you?”

“When did what change?” he asks

“You told me that when you first got involved with me it began because of your work but then it changed. When did it change?”


“Well.... when do you think?”

I shake my head and look away as I think

Suddenly he says,
“it was when you signed for the package that day!”

“What?— oh! ....” I say —realizing he means how we caught the virus— I remember the delivery now but I say,“but I washed my hands when I came in with the package, remember?”

“Did you touch your glasses before you did that?” he asks

“Oh....” and I think about this now with horror because I don’t know .... as it’s something I don’t realize I do

this has me stumped and I almost forget our previous conversation until he says,

“I was not working directly on government business in relation to my country when I was involved in a case that lead me to you because what I do works outside of official government. You have to understand that it is convenient for other countries to have free agents like me—“

“Is that what people like you are called? Free agents?”

“We’re called many things,” he sighs again and now I feel bad for cross examining him as he seems tired

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to grill you,” I tell him

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he says

“to be honest, I am afraid of getting it again, you know? .... that was —not something I’d ever care to repeat.... but I’m also afraid —what if this is a wave of new catastrophes of killer viral diseases? You know, not to panic but, I keep thinking about this,” I admit, “although, on the plus side, it is a good excuse to avoid the neighbors.”

“Are you sure you’re not Swedish?” he asks me

“What do you mean?—oh! I remember what I wanted to ask you .... what about — your army— I mean your ‘body guards’ who work for you?”

“What about them?”

“So— how do you pay them if they don’t work for the government?” I ask

Only now does he smile and it is a kind of sly and almost wicked smile

“What? Jörn!” I ask this as it is obvious he is excessively pleased with himself by his smile —no, more it’s a grin—like a Lewis Carol Cheshire Cat  grin and it seems he is unable to hold in the laugh —and finally he laughs

so I sit back and wait for him to get over himself

it is awhile

he then asks,
“how do you think I make most of my money?”

“No idea.”

“I’m good at puzzles, duva, you know that. I’m actually the best ,” he says this as if it is a statement

“Well, you did say that you are a safe cracker and I know from experience you take every opportunity to picks locks.... especially if I feel like being alone—“

“I’m a hacker, duva! — and I get paid for it  —the best in the world—I’m the guy they go to when shit happens ....but i am also a widely kept secret,” he pauses to study my face and then shrugs,

“so, I charge a lot because I am the best— and this is why and how I require and acquired my own army— you had it right the first time, duva.”

picture of a trainwreck; sorry no makeup

day 18,

      to document the dictionary;

truly hideous after covid, I look like death

crawling from the tomb ....



often I am aware on this journey that I am being guided

often in my work those moments are acutely made aware

a sense the other night

It was some time between wake and sleep or still sleep when I felt him; I felt as if the sun was coming into the room and I was with him —just like the first time I dreamed of him, this time I felt his arms around me .....and it seemed then it would be all right and I went back to sleep

I didn’t wonder if I was asleep or if it was dream or real as it was most real



as I start to become stronger and realize the last two weeks are a blur that seems to me not so long, I must have been sleeping through most of it without knowing how many days it was


only I find I don’t like what the world has been up to and wonder even more with a worse heavy sense what I am doing in it and think I’d rather stay in my tomb 

Some More thoughts

it was one weekend, about two weeks ago or so— no —more, that about a hundred vehicles came up from New York City— five and a half hours away to drive. In less then a week we went from no cases to our first case. By the end of two weeks we had over 80. Somehow I suspect for me it arrived through the mail as it attaches to fibers like paper and cardboard. Anything like plastic and stainless steel too. 

I’ve had no contact with anything —then one day I got the mail, as I tend to avoid things like that —and I didn’t feel good from that day on, each day it got worse. 

I am still not feeling well. It seems to relapse and ....before my chest hurt really bad —as it got hard to breath

....I think it passed

They say it is worse at night and I think I’m scared of night right now