Electra’s dictionary; Shoots and Ladders

I go to the farmhouse where the now vacated safe and drum table were; where Andreas and I often like to go when he is here

I go because I want .... to withdraw into shadow


It is during one of those times Jörn disappears to do ....whatever he does

this time longer

which is as well

as well because .... I don’t trust myself to be around anyone right now .... I will not say what I feel

I don’t want to see anybody or talk to anybody or feel, I don’t want to feel anything


I never want to feel again

I will not say because you know ....dictionary, you know ....and I won’t traitor myself; only —if only— for the sake of some blind faith in the Celf; I can’t do what everyone else has done to her.... the crumbs have lead me back only now ....Demeter is surely broken; is this —now— the deep Waters of Lethe.... how do I navigate when all sockets are blown....

It is now as I discover Andreas has left some of his stash behind on the little ledge by where he likes to spike his blunts

I see a note attached to an Altoids tin with my name spelled out across it and under it, it says in his handwriting

‘Escape hatch/panic button—Andreas‘

I wonder how long it’s been there and if Jörn came across it. And if so what he thought —as there it remained

Jörn goes sometimes to Canada, which is closed off now, the borders you know, yet he gets through .... it makes you wonder

Escape hatch.... yes, we go through the maze and I think about the devil may care attitude of Andreas, who, for perspective, is a very respectable, brilliant, young man especially compared to a lot of his youth .... these days .... not that it feels that long ago to me .... only.... but then.... we got lost in here, didn’t we, dictionary? like Rip Van Winkle....we got lost

I pace the gutted farm house as the dimming light pulls shadows and walk to the spots where those vacated objects once sat; a Safe locked inside .... but now safely lost in anonymity .... I go back to the tin and open it. There is a tiny one-hit pipe inside with a little orange bow and I notice it is already loaded


There are worse places to exile the world from me with the way the mountains look from here, and I think it is possible to imagine a world when it was still possible to escape into the great wild ....

It is now that something catches my eye on the floor by the other doorway which leads out to the old driveway. A pink folded piece of paper

I realize it is an invoice .... for medical supplies with quite a lot of zeros at the total and Jörn’s signature