It is like we are suspended
in some separate reality …. that is not the world —or not Earth
The frozen sky and the northern hemisphere cloaked in their own frozen reality and separate piece…. but these mountains may be physical for the barriers they serve but beyond that, they do not contain me
I have been somewhere else. Far away. Somewhere far far away
It is awhile until I realize I am awake. I seem to have been watching the sky from the angle of my head as my vision is turned to the window. Watching a sky. A sky I don’t see. So where am I looking? Where am I?
“The hardest part ….” I suddenly hear Jörn say, along with the sound of his motion of him as he reaches to draw back a ringlock of my hair as it covers my face, “was watching your pain in this life,” he says now
But I am still staring at the cold gray sky outside the glass of the window; his words don’t fully register
I shut my eyes ….how long has he been there? I feel him in my head ….and the warmth of him next to me
“Finding out how you grew up, about your abuse at home,” he whispers this into my ear and moves his hand to rest on the other side of me so his arm is draped across my waist—but I try and resist this, and push against his too familiar half embrace and turn my back to him. I turn my face into the mattress and cover my ears with my hands
I don’t want to hear this. His sympathy? About something I never think about? How dare he! What an insult
“I have to tell you,” he says taking hold of me and turning me round
“I don’t want to hear this!” I look right at him
“I have to tell you!” he shouts at me
“Why?!” I shout back
“Because somebody should!”
But he’s only made me angry,
“nice wake up—and why is it only when it’s scheduled by you that the timing is always right to invade me? I certainly have a million questions but one of them is not should I give you cart blanche to my emotions. You are emotionally dangerous to me, and you have no rights to my thoughts unless I give you permission and you need to earn that first!”
I shout all this in one long tirade, sitting up and then leaping off the bed
But when I’m done the outcry leaves me dizzy ….I sit down at the foot of the bed
I slowly look at him,
“how young was I before you realized who Elan was in this life?”
“I told you —we—I ….didnt put a face to it—you—until that case of Willem’s”
“Wasn’t that a bullshit story? How does Willem actually fit into all this —‘cause….you said it was your first case together, wasn’t that the story you told me?”
Jörn clears his throat. He walks to the window on the other side of the room and looks out. After awhile he lets out a heavy sigh
“There’s no way to explain without telling you the whole story and ….I’m not sure you’re ready for all of it,” he looks at me from across the room
After awhile he paces across the room, first to the door and then to the closet and then back to the window he started at. He does this a few times.
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