Yeah bitch

 

what idiots; them all. I have never figured out why I pretend with them. I think my greatest flaw is that I ignore myself 

and it is on purpose like a habit that I just never cracked because then —hey, I’d just be letting myself off the hook

why make it so easy for myself? hair shirt.self flagellation because I got used to the pattern; it put me to sleep 

I walk away 

   from myself 

to think 

I am smarter than all of them. why did I let them man the ship? and why did I feel the obligation to ….parent all of them? you know, on the outside what you see is one thing —marshmallow ….my mother’s husband said about me, “you seem like a pushover on the outside. Like a powderpuff marshmallow cheese cake,” he said in some reluctant moment of some epiphany about me ….”but that is not really true, is it—it’s an act; you are tough as nails underneath that fluff you put on….”

then the sneer; he had slits for eyes, and evil like the devil as every compliment he ever gave me was a backhanded one —as well, we know, he literally used on me liberally 

and he was a stupid man 

too

why the fuck did I let him —ahhh well …. so

why ….after all ….no it was because I thought they (the fools I bedded —or I really should say lately, embedded)needed me. that seems at the center of …. my programmed self —if I am needed then ….like that heinous man, may he rot in hell with his daughter ….then I would not be flung away 

whipped. beaten. flung. sent away….

stupid men —I just look at them and look at me as I’ve walked away from myself and want to observe my self as the animal 

the human animal ….but no, it seems I want to be beyond that so I need to prove I can take humiliation 

I can take pain 

but I have had enough of that by now that instead I want to fling it at them 

Here, you take it. I’m so much better than you and you never realized I was just being kind to come down to your level 

but now I’m bored. I’m sad. disappointed mostly. people. I just expected more, like higher standards but no; they plod with their simple bullshit stuff and chew their own tails for pleasure and so why am I ….amazed with their disappointing behavior….when it’s predictable and I knew it every fucking time 

I think I must just feel like tipping the scales just for the added challenge but it’s become so very very very very dull and empty 

https://youtu.be/acoknuTpPOM