Thoughts to notes/edencrypt

 

Thoughts to notes/edencrypt

“You don’t sound happy,”

what Bran begins with when he called today….we spoke for four hours. four. we had to charge as we spoke at some point but ….there are some people in your life that you are fortunate to know when it seems no time has passed ….we fall right into conversation. He is so easy to talk to I had forgotten this between us ….after so many years, just his voice ….and then it all comes back

maybe I needed this now ….I don’t know

after such loss of faith in people again and again 

he said,

“I admit I have been reading your blog—you seem always to say the things I am feeling —when I am feeling—but you don’t waste words, your words are so dense and …. you know—I’ve missed your writing, Beth who is what ….you write so well…. and coming from a Welshman that says something,” he teases me 

****

So tempting to just go, like 

if I leave now ….I know I’d keep going and never look back but 

to run blindly —we can’t do that again ….you can draw s road map with all the lines of where I tore my flesh with sharp objects and in most lights I hide them so—who needs tattoos when you are deranged and,you know, I remember the first one ….right there ….it is silver now; that one was for my mother ….I listened to her problems, I was her shrink and then —what did I get ….I met Chris just a little after my mother died —talk about projects; I did not come up for air until I had to call 911 that day 

to look objectively as if that was a sketch of how that looks in a dissection. what parts would I erase? devastations. back to back. should have made a better decision and how different would things look now

 so, you see,

it was panic. and he was not a great decision for me

the only problem with Bran was —well, at the time neither of us were available and I guess that gave me more of an excuse to beat myself about guilt but now?he says to me when we spoke,

“I don’t think she would care if I got on a plane and didn’t come back for six months or more.”

about his wife Clair who had just become pregnant when —why—Bran and I parted ways ….now over eight years ago.

shit. The child…. who is now eight and —I have to hold my hands over my ears when he talks about the child ….life is so fucked up 

“You just don’t seem happy,” he says, “I don’t like the thought of you ….with those delicate hands, miserable in the world.”