We reach back inside the underground
It seems awhile that I realize I have been lost in thought.... deep inside .... somewhere within....
not even aware that I am sat upon that strange round bed under the glass ceiling window where above the pond is....
did I see it? I was not really paying attention to my surroundings ....beyond the immediate .... concerns and....
I don’t know what I think about. Maybe I flatline.... circuits blown, but then, I should be used to this as it seems drama follows me everywhere .... despite my need for otherwise. That is, a calm life with harmony .... but that has never been my lot in life, I don’t know why and so tired of blaming myself but it must be me. The more I withdraw the more it seems to irritate those who know that I even exist
and the shock of facing a rifle has eclipsed .... how much I have .... anticipated and longed for the moment of seeing .... Jörn .... and it seems I just am frozen there shaking, questioning myself over how do I seem to bring this on? and it escalates into thoughts of why it seems disaster is all I achieve even as I think I do all I can to avoid it; like my daughter that I still don’t understand how it all went against me when I love her so much, how is it possible to attract such bad fortune at every turn, I wonder as I sit there wondering why I’m being hunted down for some code I don’t hardly remember
it all goes back to my childhood as it seems too my subconscious mind is thus so warped —and from whose loins of I was spawned from to became this identity I never chose to be.... is at liberty to reek havoc all over and through my life ...events I hardly remember ....that shaped the outcome of my life and ....will forever haunt me .... continue to destroy me.... despite all my efforts to rise above them .... I’m caught in a tangled trap of emotions I don’t even understand and hold me from release or peace
“You got so thin.”
I look up as he comes through the partition. It seems he has made me a cup of tea
and as I take it from him ....our hands touch that way. Reminding me again of .... things. Like before. On the stairs. It was this moment when .... he always comes to me when I am in danger; when it seems it is impending disaster ....like now....
“No, it is just muscle loss from not getting out to do things like hiking —being stuck in.”
“Duva, I can feel your bones right through your skin,” he says, he reaches to run his hand over my shoulder, “are you eating?”
I recoil part from his words. I pull away and draw my legs up to me,
“sorry for being hideous to you. How did you know where I was and what were you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were coming, why?!”
and because he does not reply, I finally turn to look up at him
it is the look in his eyes that disarms me.... I had not expected to see that .... hurt....?
for a moment it stuns me to see that. I have to rewind in my mind whatever we just said and .... my face burns ....
he sits down beside me.... but I become tense. I move back a few inches and when I look up at him I see his eyes react
He says,
“I ....your phone....” he looks at me and I can see he is thinking about not what he says but something else .... “your phone; the gps.... I tracked you.... I realized you left the underground and were walking right into danger —thank god I was there—skit! what were you thinking!?! I have to ask because —what if I hadn’t been there in time? What made you do that?!”
“I am sick of being stuck in here! How could you just leave me here like that, Jörn? All those weeks— and you never even said— I think I am losing my mind....” I say the last part without expecting to and start to cry but stop myself in time
....and he reaches for me
“No....!” I pull away and cover my face, “you still haven’t said why you’re here!”
“Why?—duva.... if it were up to me I would not have left you here like this. They didn’t give me a choice —to do with my government, it’s too involved to go into and I can’t really reveal classified information. As you know, I’m not even supposed to be here....”
“So why are you? Are you going to be arrested? I still don’t understand how you can travel so freely when nobody is even allowed to fly anywhere!”
I look at him
and he smiles .... in that way he has —what is that? he reaches again for me and as I start to pull away he says,
“why do you think I’m here?”
So .... I think about what Willem said
his taking foolish chances.... how he said it was not like Jörn to ....
“I have to get to the house,” Jörn suddenly says
“The house?”
“Yes....” he tells me
“But aren’t they there?”
Jörn nods in that way that seems to say “obviously”
“You can’t go up there!” I say, “they have guns!”
“Duva....” and now he looks at me in that way as if I may be a bit slow and shakes his head
“Jörn— no! —what do mean?”
He shrugs and runs his hand over his hip as if to explain —and only now I see he has a gun
“They can’t stay there in the house. Especially now that they know you’re here. They’ve been looking for the safe— that’s why they haven’t left— and you— because they know you have the code .... they know it has to be here.”
“I found them,” I say now, as if I think it would be a surprise
“I know,” he says
And only now it occurs to me that he wanted me to....
“But I don’t know the code!”
He tilts his head to one side,
“yes, you do....”
“No! I don’t!”
And this time when he moves near me to touch me I don’t pull away,
“you do.... “ he taps my head, “it’s locked in there.... but I believe I can make you remember.”
“How?— why? Why is it so important anyway? Now? All these years later, why should it matter or be worth all of this?What’s in it?”
He thinks before replying. And studies my face,
“how? You saw the sheets of music. The keyboard ....” and then he sighs heavily “what’s in the safe? Why is it so important? Yes, actually, it is still relevant if you want to know —what is in there....”
“Why? What can be in there?”
He stands up
I watch him pace around the room.
It is so strange to see him in here. After all these weeks.... It seems strange to see him too
And only now do I take in his appearance. What he wears. It is not his usual choice of clothes. Somewhat nondescript. Forgettable. And it makes sense now that I think about it. Ordinary jeans, a gray shirt and a plain khaki jacket and work boots; the kind of clothes that can make someone go unnoticed especially to American authorities. Maybe that is what has felt so strange about him, he could pass for American and I find I don’t like it somehow ....remembering him in the lobby that first time I saw him ....heading for his evening’s performance
He turns around,
“You really want to know what’s in there? Talk about a Pandora’s box.... let’s see, let’s start with just the little things first.... oh, just the.... floor plans of all secret entrances to all the embassies around the world, how about floor plans of places like the Pentagon, Fort Knox—? ....floor plans of all world leader countries secret nuclear bases not to mention formulas and vials of chemical warfare weapons.... Duva.... poisonous bacterias ....for the use of chemical warfare— viruses.... sound familiar? maybe relevant? not so outlandish, is it?.... to be used ....likewise ....let’s see, what else? —the early development of ....the basis of the Corona virus and SARS ....anthrax.... just to give you an idea of the scale of this....chlorine, nerve gas.... how to build a nuclear weapon .... duva.... you of all people should know what a swine that man was if he hired someone to assault you and fucking left you for dead on the college dorm room floor on a private college compass—call it revenge! —for ....?” Jörn pauses only long enough to take a deep breath as if to reload, “I managed to get a view of the contents when it was back in Sweden— it’s a type of X-ray ..... so.... you should know ....there are other things that —I discovered too that —are ....in there.... I came across an interesting letter that surfaced through .... my sources..... I found things of —a more personal nature to him —that back up his motives of revenge ....photos of your biological father with Castro to appear incriminating.... and even more personal, your mother with —Ethan in compromising situations.... taped phone calls of this nature between them, and ....two blood samples, duva that he meant to send for the definitive DNA test of —guess who exactly? One he got from the hospital in Miami where Ethan passed away....”
For a long moment I sit there even more stunned than before
and then, I suddenly surface,
“please don’t go up there!” I blurt out now filled with dread. I cover my face in my hands
“It has to be done, duva— do you really think I’m going to just stay here and hide?”
he actually laughs!
“You think you’re going to take on—what five guys!? —with rifles?! All by yourself? You are crazy! Willem’s right— totally foolish!”
“No, maybe not completely alone— actually, now that you mention....Willem will be here any minute....”
No comments:
Post a Comment