Even as, it is not a common occurrence, as it happens, because as I have known of other things ....when I saw him ....again it took me by surprise as I don’t think I really believed I really ever would —not here, not now and ....I don’t think I really believed it at the time. And— he was not who I would have ever imagined despite those dreams of the boat and ....the way he stared back at me in dreams with ....such eyes ..... those dreams ....which came at intervals throughout my life. I don’t really know when they began as they seemed to always be a part of my subconscious and yet I willed them away each time. They always scared me somehow
So, it was
no, not the first day I saw him.... when I realized because I was not willing to ....
****
but it was long before that day in the elevator.
I made the connection to the dreams only ....reluctantly and I think only did I when it nagged at my thoughts out of context of the day; just coming to my thoughts and ....haunted. He haunted me. Seeing his eyes again but, not dreaming, and in the present, even as there is such a sense of having always expected him that only in retrospect did it come to be apparent to me ....and then all the rest made sense
even as ....it is quite impossible —how?
....and the wondering over why and why now ....wondering even after all this time —what does he mean to me?
.....In the dungeon, now, I write these thoughts .... but more to stop them.... I do not want to let thoughts grip hold of me; grip hold of the emptiness and cause me to long for his touch—these thoughts I write
as I sit in the dungeon watching the monitors survey the barn house
I knew there had been hidden cameras in the house but the monitors never showed anything, that is, not until Jörn told me to get into the surveillance program in his computer in the cage, which now I have access to
I suppose before there had not been any purpose to spy on ourselves
There are several of them there that come and go. Jörn also has access to viewing so he can watch what I can see on the monitors the same way he watches me in the dungeon. And by now I have become used to knowing they are there, far removed in the underground and removed now too by so many weeks so that it is something surreal to watch the house thus removed and so remote —and the odd angles make the colorless viewing seem less like real-time and more like a film
What are they doing in there? What are they looking for?
I become more anxious now to get out of here. The thaw has finally come up in the mountains and I long so much to be outside again, long to hike and be among trees, breathe fresh air
****
It is later when.....
I go back down to the deep underground, where lately I go a lot to the gym as it is a good way to force discipline ....away from thoughts or —exhaust thoughts and to keep from climbing the walls or from slamming my head up against them
I throw myself into an ambitious work out to force away thoughts and stopping only to take a short breath....
I don’t know what causes me to look at a section of the the dark gray painted wall that in the odd light looks cracked. I go over to it. No, that is not a natural crack, i decide as —I can tell— I mean, by now, I have become accustomed to these hidden doorways down here but even still.... this one is quite different yet.... I get this odd feeling
I look around me thinking ..... and spinning around me looking at all the work out equipment thinking as my eyes peel all the surfaces .... there! I spot an Allen key! —at the foot of a wall of weights and walk over .... there! —beside it a watch. I pick it up to study it. What’s it doing there? I’ve never seen it before, yet.... there’s something somehow familiar about it. It’s an unusual watch that —yes.... it looks like it is made of platinum by the way it glows in the light. I turn it over. On the back of the watch there is an engraving; a kind of indentation like —the shape of a keyhole? beside the insignia ....that I know —yes! from the pendant that he made me.... the tiny platinum safe with the dangling key that I have not taken off since that day.... The key?
The chain is long enough to see if it fits the tiny keyhole
And yet, all I do is just touch it to it and I jump! just as—a red light suddenly glows in the watch face but it is not this which causes me to jump but the loud click I hear from behind me that causes me to start
I spin around fast and bolt right towards the crack as —much more clear now it is revealed.... cracks wide now and comes apart .... I lean into the wall and push against the crack to open it wide and .... it gives away—yes— like another doorway..... another passage is revealed as a light clicks on as it opens
It is hard not to stand there with my jaw wide open staring at what illuminates within
“Oh my god,” I say out loud to the otherwise empty room, “the safe and the table!”
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