Electra’s dictionary; word for Cinderella’s wicked sister

“If you see the wonder of a fairy tale,”
                       —lyrics from ABBA song ‘I Have a Dream’ by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvarus

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Layer 1 of the sister backstory

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“How did you lose custody?” Josef asks me

Jörn was suddenly called away last night on some secret mission but he tells everyone else the reason has to do with the philharmonic and Lisa uses the excuse to follow him to the city with Lorenzo

It is late afternoon

It seems Josef has decided to follow me down the hill to the mysterious ‘Farmer Granger’ which has turned out to be the farm attached to the property; once a major farm that eventually stopped running due to the mass competition of commercial farm industry

We heard the story, reluctantly, from Lisa as there was a hidden clause involved and part of the fight that was going on all around me in Swedish

Her client, Agneta, who had been a flight attendant for SAS, is a widow whose late husband’s family had once owned the property for generations. Agneta had met her husband, Theodore (Ted) Granger, then an architect, on board the plane to Sweden for a work project in Stockholm. And then met again on his return flight, which the two took as a sign for destiny and the rest —is history. Thirty years later with children grown and husband now deceased, Agneta wishes to join her family back in Sweden which is why her property is being rented, but

Lisa never bothered to explain about the horse

And the small plot of farm vegetables

nor the chickens

and the goat and sheep (just a handful)

Which was behind the sweet deal for the newly renovated barn house —yes it was also a sweet deal because Lisa was to be featured in an article for the interior renovations; Agneta wants to put the property on the market so, it was contrived for all around possible profit

The tomatoes that were left outside the door, I had worked it out now.... was left there by ‘Joey’ the person who was tending the farm and who had suddenly quit after some disagreement with Lisa (which has not really been examined, come to think of it)

Lisa’s sudden appearance with Lorenzo and Jörn’s parents had a two fold purpose and had something to do with what to do with the farm dilemma and apparently Andreas had humble dreams of filling Joey’s shoes which neither parent supports but Lisa blames on Jörn for his “foolish choice to leave the city” that I have heard her say more than once, in English, for my benefit

***

as we are now in the stable....

“You see....” I begin as I look back at Choklad, the old horse, as I brush him down, “I had been living away from the family in Michigan as ....I always tried to live my own life out of their shadow and so I moved away with someone I had been seeing for awhile who was from there who.... is the father of my daughter ....”

Choklad is a very affectionate horse who seems to like to nuzzle a lot; especially when I speak; he seems to like my voice

So for a moment I am stopped to enjoy the attentions of my suitor

and with relief because it allows me to go inside myself and wrap myself deep inside the inner well. I search there as I press my face into the coarse dark brown fur, touch his long face with the flat of my hand , close my eyes and breath

It is when Choklad gives me a shove that I find the courage to go on

“My mother had stage four cancer....” I explain

I hear Josef shoe scrape outside the stall door behind me and he hesitates before he asks,

“what kind?”

“It was breast cancer,” I say

and here I find myself touching and stroking the long mane with its strong, thick fibers and watch the strands fall from my fingers

“She lived a long time with it, considering.... it was so hard to see her that way....” I have to stop myself. I don’t ever go there. It is too painful .... and so many years now it has been; surly more than twenty ....? time is so strange.... and I am such a pro at cutting off feeling. I am a pro at going cold, I’ve had so much practice

just a blank page

I take a deep breath and grip a handful of the strong mane that absorbs a trace of my weakness

“I had my daughter in Traverse City, a little city tucked away in the snowy north of Michigan— less than a year after my mother’s first round of chemotherapy ..... you see, I knew she was dying, I had come to visit her —her eyes .... you know .... and it turned out that my husband did not love me because .... you know.... you sometimes only find these things out when real life hits ....”

I stop again and search for a different brush, finding some fresh hay too as I go around the tack room

I glance at Josef who leans on the stall door ledge watching me

After a few brush strokes I say,

“He said he did not love me.... but then it turned out I was pregnant. I never understood why he agreed to let us try for a baby if he didn’t love me and it happened right away. So.... he was not pleased....” I have to stop because it is such a tedious story with so many parts of a celf folded into tucked corners, hidden deep inside drawers long jammed shut to bursting. Those you never intend to wedge free

I walk around the tack room and Choklad follows me with more nudges

“At first he ignored all the obvious signs of my pregnancy hoping the home tests were wrong and that I had a stomach flu....” I look at Josef, “he did not want it.”

At first I just stare at Josef’s eyes as my mind splinters off and as I lock onto his gaze his bright blue eyes encourage me to continue. I blink a few times as ....I am not experienced to what I find within his gaze..... I do not know how to respond at first.... so I am caught in a moment’s confusion. It is too late to turn back. But why does he want to know? is not my life such a boring bit of ‘Les Miserable’? ....how pathetic a picture I must be. Not at all how I would like to characterize myself.... but he stands there waiting and.... he is such a kind man and ....so kind to me.... only— in a way I am so ignorant of

I step out the stall and close the door and let Choklad nuzzle his goodbye as I say to Josef,

“I said I would walk him in the paddock again tomorrow....” and we start to walk out but I suddenly worry and say, “is that hill too hard for you?” looking up the path back to the house and consider the old family farmhouse we are nearer to

“The incline is not so bad,” he insists as we start up it, “I’d like to hear more if you wouldn’t mind,” he says, gently but his tone reminds me of a teacher reminding his student of the assignment

“Ohhh....”

“.....your daughter....” he prompts me

As we walk I search the view around us for wisdom to describe the cavernous secrets of my heart with as little attachment as I might summon

the colors of the leaves....

my favorite colors ..... the yellow gold, the deep burgundy .... the fading sage-green that blend with the sky’s sea foam green of a setting sun behind the mountains

“So, we were getting a divorce in Michigan—all the papers drawn..... it was very civilized, he wasn’t even fighting for custody back then—I guess because, it turned out Ken had met someone, some trainer at his work.... and because my mother wanted me to be near her during what remained of her time, we agreed to move back to New York. The plan was for me and my daughter to stay where my mother was living....”

I stop now.

I take a moment to ask if he is all right,

“do you want to rest a moment?” I ask

Josef smiles at me and slowly nods as he studies me and we stand at the incline by a tree

only I do get the feeling he does this somehow for me. He makes an act of wanting to lean on the tree but his eyes belie with a twinkle in that Yoda way that he has as he pretends not to study me but I feel his mental tentacles reaching with his own magical ‘Force’

“Well, one day everything changed....” I say in a fast gush just wanting to get it out and over with as there was obviously no turning back now; he’d never let it, I suddenly realize....

“So what happened?” he gently prods me

I lean on the tree now too, press my face into the texture of the trunk and touch the grooves with my hand. It is an old, dear tree that stands far taller than the house with a trunk so wide that it is impossible to put your arms around; a tree with an old soul

“My parents had moved onto the estate where my sister and her husband lived in a huge house..... they had an apartment below where my mother wanted me and my daughter to stay..... you see..... she wanted to have us near, you see.... “

I gather more strength,

“....My aunt was still alive too back then, so—one week before the move to New York.....” I look into Josef’s eyes and say, “I get a call from my aunt.... and she tells me .... she tells me I had to find other accommodations .....”

At first Josef just draws his white brows together as he searches my eyes with his

I finally say,
“you see.... my sister did not have the courage to tell me herself that she was not going to let me stay there so she asked our aunt to tell me.... and, to add insult on top of injury— I was forbidden to even visit there because our father did not want me there either.”

This is not made up. It is what really happened.

I say,
“Ken already had his new job to start in New York, he had an apartment secured in a town near JFK airport .... and in one week I had no where to go with my daughter to live....”

I turn away for a few seconds to watch the sun sink along the horizon and watching the sun I say,

“by then Ken’s love affair had ended .... and I guess he changed his mind about Marissa.... the divorce proceedings stopped instantly as he offered the only solution that I was forced to take.... and that is how I lost custody. I had no where to go and no means. His family raised money for a good New York lawyer.... and my father and sister got their revenge .... I stayed there as part of his deal—but as the babysitter; we were divorced so he could carry on as he wanted ....on and off with .... I got a night job and paid him rent but made sure to get her to school and fed and I felt at least lucky to be near my daughter .... my mother died about two years later.”

“So your sister ....?”


I finish his question,
“....is behind why and how I lost custody....”