The vampire’s Opera

“I always wanted to meet someone as strong as me,” I tell Jörn when he finds me alone later.

I began to to hyperventilate and came to be away. It was the family all around. Suddenly I had the feeling I could not breath. It was an anxiety attack and I recognized it.

He finds me hiding

I am not ashamed. But I am. I feel a sense of horror that he sees me now as I am

....but where was there to go? But I don’t think he should see me like this.

I am in the deep corner of his bedroom, by the window where the corner meets. I am low by the shadow and turned away, within but

I don’t want him to see me

I say,
“I think you should go see your family,” but I whisper urgently

“No, what are you doing?” he asks me and walks over

“Nothing but....” I turn away, “please, I’m sorry....” I say with a terrible sense of awkward shame

But he bends down , he kneels beside me,
“tell me what is wrong. Did someone offend you?”

I shake my head,
“no. It’s me.... it is no one. It is just me.... but I don’t want you to look at me,” and I keep my face away

He does not go. He stays just there. Does not come near nor push.

After I forget to wonder I start to breath again.

“I think I am starting to crumble....” I say it almost like one handing over before the plunge into the depths because I suppose if he can’t stand that then it shouldn’t matter .... because then everything has only been lip service

I start to stand up and I move awkwardly past him and go to his bathroom to wash my face. I keep my hair over it as I go past him. I wash my face and can’t look at myself

I hear him come in. He stands in the doorway watching me and I get dizzy from the stress and sit down on the tile floor. Bend over to breath.

“I saw you come in here before,” his voice is low and he bends down beside me, “I ‘m sorry, my family can be a bit much.... they were anxious to meet you, min lilla duva, they knew I was going up there.... because of you.”

This makes me look at him. It is something I’ve never heard anyone ever say to me before. Not ever like a proclamation but he does not diminish himself when he says this, it is the opposite when I hear something within that

I stare at him now. I stare into his eyes, their fierce beauty that is as sharp as a double edged sword

“My ....mother asked about the music I have been writing....” he stares back into my eyes. For just a moment he drops his gaze as he thinks. I watch his brow furrow as he frowns, watch the expressions move across his Nordic features like a tug of war between something deep within him,
“there is more to me than just my music and the intelligence work that I do— i was always going to write this great symphony..... my parents were expecting me to because it was what I always had talked about for years before.... well.... life? I have always had a recklessness driving at me that I never understood but as if I had to find the dragon to slay—something inexplicable. Especially about love.... I could never find something...it got in the way of everything. Every relationship and every work choice I made. Just could never .... find something that I could never explain. It seemed to cast a dark shadow over my life because it got in the way of —well, eventually, everything. No woman ever was enough and no place I lived filled the void. I think the danger of doing the government work was appealing as a means of self destructive behavior that is somehow acceptable—does that make sense?”

I think, but I’m not sure but still I nod looking at him

“My music lately has been inspired by these dreams that .... the dreams we share. I’ve never written this kind of music before and I am aware it comes from something else. They hear it,” he shrugs towards the other room where his family is

He says,
“I came in here to show you those photos I told you about of your legal father. No, it can wait because I’d rather show you later. The dreams .... they only began when I started reading your words. And I started to write an opera.... this is what we are working on now in there because my mother loved it when she heard it and now a part of it is going to be performed. It’s named after you —I hope you will come see it, min lilla duva.”