Electra’s dictionary/Nobody’s daughter*

I see Josef reach inside his sweater pocket. He takes out a pillbox and absently clutches his heart

“Are you ok?” I ask him and go over to him

He looks at me and smiles,
“I just realized I forgot to take these....” he makes a face at his pillbox and gives me an ironic smile as he moves to the counter. He reaches for a clean glass and says to me,
“don’t get old....” and chuckles

“Well, too late for that,” I say mimicking his tone and smile back at him

I realize I have forgotten about the coffee. Jörn’s instructions.... I go over to the carafe and push it down slowly


He mumbles,
“gryning.... första ljuset på dagen,” mostly to himself so I don’t answer or search for meanings....

Josef then says,
“....den lilla duvan....”


he comes over now after taking his pills and helps me with the plunger as he sees me having some trouble with it— the top part has come loose and....

He fixes it and does it for me but asks,
“do you know what Carl Jung said about names?”

I immediately say,
“how we are all destined or doomed to become our names?”

He actually laughs when I say this and searches my eyes. He pats my shoulder and nods,
“very good.... hmmm....” then looks at me with a curious smile, “you must have been a good student....”

I smile,
“top of the class and always teacher’s pet.... not in math though....”

He seems to think about this before he continues....“I would not say we are necessarily always doomed— do you know—for instance, dawn — which could be interpreted as ‘the quest for knowledge’ or.... ‘the quest for enlightenment’,” there is something of a Yoda quality to him and his veil is dropped when he looks at me now. He sighs with a kind of defeat but—no, it’s not that exactly,

“his mother worries over him,” he shakes his head in the direction of the other room. But now suddenly he shouts across when he hears something is off and criticizes a note has been played wrong and says, “again!” but then goes back to talking to me hardly missing a beat, “we’ve seen our son struggle with some—“ he stops here to look at me with a kind of agony, “demon..... inside him.... for years— sometimes I think he has a deathwish .... no, more that he is sometimes his own worst enemy. So restless.... always searching for some .... illusion.... like he is chased by some demon or .... is it more —he is ‘haunted’?”

He shrugs and looks seriously at me and for the first time I see something in his eyes that is like Jörn. Up till now I only saw his resemblance to his mother but now.... as Josef looks hard into me, the cold ice blows a Nordic chill, “he can be so reckless....” he shakes his head still looking at me. “You know that I don’t just mean about the intelligence work— pftt!” he throws his hand like one disgusted, “he thinks he’s James Bond —he’s an artist; a musician, what is he doing dealing with the scum of the earth playing their war games.... that is a worry.... but more than just that. Other things he’s done that —well.... are worse for their consequences.... I mean, you know, the women.... he has a trail of shattered women—he’s —well— it is like the devil has been on his back..... as a father it’s painful to watch his son unable to find peace; the family and home.... as I see what it’s done to his life; his family.... We always hoped he would get back together with his wife.... his mother worries because—time is going by and the good years .... but I don’t know if you are able to understand—for you it is different, your apocalypse has already, hit you hasn’t it?“ he looks at me oddly 

and stops —what is that? 

He seems to change his mind. 

Instead he says, 

“I hope you won’t be offended if I tell you that Jörn has confided to me about you. As I got curious about the music because —there is something there in it I have never heard from him.... A parent knows their child—he’s a grown man, of course, but he’s the same as he was as a child. So.... he always liked the stray cats, you know— the ones that had seen some trouble....” he studies me, “you have been married twice and you have a daughter.... but estranged....?”

It does not take a genius to figure out the dichotomy at work here .... only I am too emotionally worn out to find the emotional-intellectual ability to empathize to the extent he speaks of

I just cannot.... do it

anymore

Still I nod but the stab goes deep inside me. I feel it at my core. I fight the dizzy sensation and hide the feeling I am about to faint; instead I grip the counter behind me and just nod

I know how to wear the armor. It covers my face like a veil

My eyes blur,

“perhaps you think I am a demon.... And maybe I am. I had no resources for having a family; I was emotionally bankrupt and I think now looking back that I should have never become a mother. I did not have a good role model and .... I think I was too damaged to be any good at it....” my eyes stream anyway, they run down my face but my voice stays steady, “but I wanted her and loved her and did my best.... “ I hold it together inside. Forge onward; steady the course because somehow it seems necessary to define for the sake of my defense; my only shred of honor left, 

“my second husband and I are not together anymore but are too lazy to get divorced,” the bravado I fake rings like brass in my ears. I go on with that sense of jumping off a cliff, 

“in our last conversation do you know what he said to me? He said ‘you are a deeply damaged person, banged up and damaged goods....’ “ 

now I laugh and try to continue .... but I suddenly realize that I cannot continue what I meant to say.  I feel my throat tighten and —far worse.... I hear it exposed in my voice so I know ....he can hear it too. I don’t say what I had started to

“What is going on here?” Jörn walks over and looks at us

But Josef stares at me for a long moment; the cold fjord blue gaze searches me ....but then I see he is moved by what I had told him. Neither of us notice Jörn there for a moment because I am finding myself stunned for ever revealing so much to him. 

What made me do that? I don’t know, 

but it shakes me; it rattles my necessary armor with dangerous bells of alarm

but he takes hold of my shoulder and bends over me to say into my ear....

he says,
“do you know how a pearl forms? Jörn has always had the uncanny ability ....to find a hidden pearl....”

(*Courtney Love song)