Electra’s dictionary Noir/the man with the vampire eyes, left in suspense

“Do you have any idea how long I have searched for you?”

He says this to me!

It was unfair. He should not push me so….

I do think I actually passed out. Even as I think I have always known…surly….?but it is worse as when he says it as it is more than I am able to take all at once….the pounding in my head of a million terrifying questions….things I really fear to know and maybe ….fear 

And still the storm rages outside. Only now do I realize there is some light from the lamps,

“The generator,”he says, as though he can read my mind

This thought makes me paranoid. Only I am now thinking of, of all people—Elsa! And I blurt out, as if she is somehow some moral compass,

“Your mother?” I ask him….and stare into his vampire eyes that glow that weird lunar blue, like…his pulse….that only lately I can see….like a jellyfish or a moonstone, it glows —blue under his skin with a kind of ticking, like a clock, that is his heartbeat; it beats in double time, though, like a metronome; slightly out of synch ….it is hypnotic…and as lovely as ….his —opus, and like a kind of otherworld sense, it has a lovely poetry ….that drugs my head

It is as if he holds me there ….suspended

He sucks my ….thoughts

He stares into me….but I don’t find I care to resist him; why….have I wasted so much time?—but quick as that thought comes, it goes away….I am waiting for his answer

“You don’t remember her?”he asks me staring into my eyes and ….as I fall within them, we are there again through time— just one glimpse!

I see her. Them. All of them….

I shake him off and stare at him,

“That was —her? But….is not how I dreamed it…all of you….? But….”

I look at him,

“… I don’t understand….Vargie….?”with a sickness like copper in my mouth the words fall out on their own with muscles controlled by some other force which knows the vowels better than me; they say them through my vocal chords; yet I feel the weight of their measure within my soul, “Jag kommer tillbaka före midnattssolen …” and like a stopper thus pulled from my very life force, I feel myself start to faint as though that very day is again upon us where I lay in his arms as we are now….it is too much to have to know it all again and wail this out to him, “…too late….”and it starts to go dark

But there is something that holds me there. Something that keeps me. Suspends me….awhile

Electra’s dictionary Noir/starting to see the light of the vampire eyes

 

And…. so it is a long while that I stand by the window and watch the storm. A very long while. I hardly notice what I see. I do not even think I was aware of where I was or where my mind was. It is something like just feeling aware that …. You observe. But not as much comprehensive of any relation of how what you observe connects to anything. There is the sense that, while I know Jörn is somewhat near, it seems, not of little consequence, but— not threatening the inner crypt at the moment; I don’t question this, you see, because I am far away…far away from myself—or rather ….far from the world

I do not hear Jörn come back in from outside, even as I do; I do not register it; I do not register when he brings in the logs; when he goes to the fireplace to lay them; I do not register the sounds of the scraping nor the eventual crackling….of the fire

I do not….because I am not there. But we are the same. This moment I have already known….the fire….the heat….the night I first came to the h—

I get a strange head rush. What was I just thinking? I start to fall backwards from feeling lightheaded but he stops me from hitting the floor

If I close my eyes…. I think this, you see? I think, no,  if I keep my eyes closed like this now, shut them tight…then out there is not the Catskills with a raging winter storm; though indeed a storm, but another one and with it a sea as bitter cold as what blows outside but we are not here; we are not now….we are not here…and how is it possible —hide?from…. How? It is complete insanity to think that he’s kept this for so many life times….

Life times….but why should it affect me as though my very blood feels drained of me even as it also quickens me like an electric charge having it around me….?

Gerald…. He must know …he must know more than he has ever said, there is no other way to explain unless—well, maybe he doesn’t— maybe his seeing is not able to process things of such a nature

Such a nature; what am I saying—thinking—do I really believe that Jörn….could be the actual same man—not reincarnated but—the same physical being as—the one from the dream of the boat—the dream which has haunted me most of my life that …. Only after years of searching for answers and searches into  through exploring documentations of spiritual experiences recounted by individuals who have known memories from other life times, backed up by details these individuals could not have known without research of ancient history have I come to accept certain things 

Certain things…. Which now cause me to freeze suspended….and questioning my sanity

Obtuse? Have I been blind or just ….purposely deluding myself? 

“Duva?”he says

But it is as though even his prompting tone of a question comes from down a very long hallway, like a hallway that echoes and all sets of normal are thrown in a ricochet off the warping walls ….like wormholes of time it is this that thought that causes me to fall back against him because I am spinning as though in a chasm of being overwhelmed of both thoughts and emotions I do not fully understand 

Dreams Everlasting part 2/Electra’s dictionary Noir

 

What was it he just said….? I find I am stuck on other thoughts….but his words repeat in echo in my mind. I keep thinking about ….the time when first I ever saw him

My mind is stuck there. Why am I focused on ….the bats?

Because it was the first weird sense that I got. I remember now I thought of Bella Lugosi. That was the sense; the very first impression—how strange I suddenly can remember every detail of this….but I have not thought of this for so long

What did he just say?

….obtuse

“We’re not going anywhere,” he says now after having once again walked to the window and peered into the darkness, which now glows in that strange light of light through fog. Is it the moon?

Again, my mind is in some weird loop. I feel I am not here nor—am I there…no I am thinking now of Gerald— so many odd little things. I get a chill and shudder.

I feel something heavy thrown over me. I look up at him. By the scent of it, I know what it is

It is a hide

Instantly I am warmed by it. But it plays tricks with my head. I should be thinking about all these paradoxes…. Gerald… 

Jörn, has been watching me. I now look up at him—but i am not seeing him as…. I am not seeing him in the present now; it is something else….it is something I know and so very well; I have known it in dreams in ….both present and —past….

“You can be,” he says again and paces back over to me….he looks down at me and reaches to touch me

It is as if it all happens in slow mo…. Overlapped… the fire pit….the welding pot…I see this instead ….but I am as if hypnotized to his vampire eyes, they glow like kryptonite; they glow like the blue of a moon

It is as if time is suspended. I came to the Catskills to get away; to think; to clear my head. But the building—the renovated country home of my late biological father’s ….feels like a tomb; it is so empty and void of anything living or lifelike. 

Pulling up to the property had felt thrilling. At first— but, to be honest, I felt like ….I had exposed my deepest place of weakness; what it was/is I am unable to put into words. Just a sense that there was something very signific a trigger point, I suddenly feel; like a reminder to something else

What did he just say?

“Oh, the winter storm….” 

Only, it feels so insignificant to the storm brewing within. I move myself from where I have been frozen for long moments of feeling such a strange sense. I walk the longest way around the room before I reach him by the window again; the hide around my shoulders…. But i just look at him from the corner of my eye and then walk the length of the room in a kind of circle back to the place I had been standing. Only now do I really comprehend that I stand by the mantle of the fireplace

He glances over at me,

“There’s dry wood in the shed, I noticed before—the power lines might be damaged, that’s why there is no heat or electric,” he says this as he walks towards me slowly, all the while he is focused on my eyes. When he reaches me, he is just inches away, his eyes intent upon mine as his bore into me like kryptonite; he says,

“I’ll go get some logs, but he stays there a moment before he says, “to build a fire….”

Maybe it was the words. Maybe it was the sense. But i knew we were not really there—not really….and the sick sense I needed to know what the shroud was hiding which so long I have been hiding under….

I force mayself away from him. I walk to the window. It is this knowing that draws me to look ….at the hide in the glow of the light….the scent fills my head but it is like a wrench in my soul that I feel it as I see the dark old stain of old faded blood that colors the hide a ghostly hue of alizarin crimson

Electra’s dictionary noir/ more bats in the belfry

I find myself feeling a moment of dèjá vu. My head feels so fogged that I feel the need to shake my head as if to clear it. And bang my head on the wall I'm pinned to as the motion throws me with more force than I had meant to 

It doesn’t hurt. It more wakes me up, on a level 

Jörn drops his grip on me and walks back to the window to peer out; his long legs move like a predator seeking his target and ….that thought makes me think about memories of Elan; Elan’s memories that is 

I feel an ice cold chill, as if I put my hand in ice water ….i think of the boat now when I think of water ….cold ….so cold 

I look over at Jörn who seems bored now with the view into the darkness of night. He turns to watch me thoughtfully crossing his arms across his chest. He wears his Swedish trench coat pushed up his long forearms and I see his muscles flex there. As if he is thinking of crushing something but his eyes are on me 

“What is that word you always like to say about yourself?” and he smiles as he starts to walk towards me thoughtfully 

“I don’t know which one you mean….” I say 

“‘Obtuse’ —that’s the one…. It is interesting ….” he smiles that way 

     ….and I think of him as I remember him from thst night so long ago ….and when the shadows of bats first came to me ….when we first met—first met?

He stops near me and cups my face by my chin as he studies my eyes,

“you can be.”

Electra’s dictionary Noir/the man with the vampire eyes

“So why did you follow me here?”

I watch as he walks to the window, he looks out into the night’s darkness, then he turns and looks at me, 

“do you have any idea what is really going on here?” 

“The shadows on the wall…. started to give it away,” I say and back away a little 

“The shadows?” his gaze even in the dark room seem to glow like kryptonite 

“They look like bats on the wall,” I say but I keep moving back from him even as he notices I do, “at first I thought ….”

He backs me up to the wall and pins me there, his hand going up the back of my neck as he twists his fingers in my hair to hold me there,

“what did you think, duva?”

“I thought I dreamed them but I realized ….you’ve been spying on me with drones all this time!” I reach to free his grasp 

He laughs, 

“you really think I have drones watching you? You were closer to accurate when you were dreaming —what if I told you ….no, let’s not do this here, let’s not talk about it now ….”

“What?” but I notice something odd about his face which I’d never noticed before …. “Jörn ….why did you ask about Gerald?” I say this as I watch his pulse beating blue through his skin and reach to turn his face to me ….his eyes …. “Jörn ….” but now I hear it, something in his breathing and watch that strange glow of electric and I whisper, “the time in the stairwell too …. but ….what is it—it’s something, isn’t it—I mean —why bats?”

Suddenly he grins in that way as he watches my eyes as if expecting me to say something but ….the words never form

I will come to you in your time of need~I am your angel of mercy/e.d.noir

I will come to you in your time of need~I am your angel of mercy 

“I had a weird dream,” I tell Jörn

“So you decided to trade one New York mountain destination for another, was it meant to throw me off? Because you shouldn’t underestimate my tracking skills, you should know that by now,” he says

“Why do you imagine everything is about you?” I ask him 

We are in the upstate home in the Catskills that, yes, I fled to in order to get away and maybe it was to get away from Jörn and his games and his drama or maybe it was just to get away 

Even still it was true what I said 

“What was the dream? Did you tell Gerald?” Jörn walks slowly towards me 

I move in another direction,

“do you see the masonry is completed from the last time we were here. Do you remember when we were here? Do you remember that day Jörn?”

rebirth of Venus

a long abandoned false self, not even noticed, frees me of it 

I only feel it in my awareness, as I feel it, as it disintegrates 

why did I let it cling for so long…. I wonder at its flimsy significance 

~that was never me

1st teaser look at reworking the Viking swords