“Do you have any idea how long I have searched for you?”
He says this to me!
It was unfair. He should not push me so….
I do think I actually passed out. Even as I think I have always known…surly….?but it is worse as when he says it as it is more than I am able to take all at once….the pounding in my head of a million terrifying questions….things I really fear to know and maybe ….fear
And still the storm rages outside. Only now do I realize there is some light from the lamps,
“The generator,”he says, as though he can read my mind
This thought makes me paranoid. Only I am now thinking of, of all people—Elsa! And I blurt out, as if she is somehow some moral compass,
“Your mother?” I ask him….and stare into his vampire eyes that glow that weird lunar blue, like…his pulse….that only lately I can see….like a jellyfish or a moonstone, it glows —blue under his skin with a kind of ticking, like a clock, that is his heartbeat; it beats in double time, though, like a metronome; slightly out of synch ….it is hypnotic…and as lovely as ….his —opus, and like a kind of otherworld sense, it has a lovely poetry ….that drugs my head
It is as if he holds me there ….suspended
He sucks my ….thoughts
He stares into me….but I don’t find I care to resist him; why….have I wasted so much time?—but quick as that thought comes, it goes away….I am waiting for his answer
“You don’t remember her?”he asks me staring into my eyes and ….as I fall within them, we are there again through time— just one glimpse!
I see her. Them. All of them….
I shake him off and stare at him,
“That was —her? But….is not how I dreamed it…all of you….? But….”
I look at him,
“… I don’t understand….Vargie….?”with a sickness like copper in my mouth the words fall out on their own with muscles controlled by some other force which knows the vowels better than me; they say them through my vocal chords; yet I feel the weight of their measure within my soul, “Jag kommer tillbaka före midnattssolen …” and like a stopper thus pulled from my very life force, I feel myself start to faint as though that very day is again upon us where I lay in his arms as we are now….it is too much to have to know it all again and wail this out to him, “…too late….”and it starts to go dark
But there is something that holds me there. Something that keeps me. Suspends me….awhile
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