What was it he just said….? I find I am stuck on other thoughts….but his words repeat in echo in my mind. I keep thinking about ….the time when first I ever saw him
My mind is stuck there. Why am I focused on ….the bats?
Because it was the first weird sense that I got. I remember now I thought of Bella Lugosi. That was the sense; the very first impression—how strange I suddenly can remember every detail of this….but I have not thought of this for so long
What did he just say?
….obtuse
“We’re not going anywhere,” he says now after having once again walked to the window and peered into the darkness, which now glows in that strange light of light through fog. Is it the moon?
Again, my mind is in some weird loop. I feel I am not here nor—am I there…no I am thinking now of Gerald— so many odd little things. I get a chill and shudder.
I feel something heavy thrown over me. I look up at him. By the scent of it, I know what it is
It is a hide
Instantly I am warmed by it. But it plays tricks with my head. I should be thinking about all these paradoxes…. Gerald…
Jörn, has been watching me. I now look up at him—but i am not seeing him as…. I am not seeing him in the present now; it is something else….it is something I know and so very well; I have known it in dreams in ….both present and —past….
“You can be,” he says again and paces back over to me….he looks down at me and reaches to touch me
It is as if it all happens in slow mo…. Overlapped… the fire pit….the welding pot…I see this instead ….but I am as if hypnotized to his vampire eyes, they glow like kryptonite; they glow like the blue of a moon
It is as if time is suspended. I came to the Catskills to get away; to think; to clear my head. But the building—the renovated country home of my late biological father’s ….feels like a tomb; it is so empty and void of anything living or lifelike.
Pulling up to the property had felt thrilling. At first— but, to be honest, I felt like ….I had exposed my deepest place of weakness; what it was/is I am unable to put into words. Just a sense that there was something very signific a trigger point, I suddenly feel; like a reminder to something else
What did he just say?
“Oh, the winter storm….”
Only, it feels so insignificant to the storm brewing within. I move myself from where I have been frozen for long moments of feeling such a strange sense. I walk the longest way around the room before I reach him by the window again; the hide around my shoulders…. But i just look at him from the corner of my eye and then walk the length of the room in a kind of circle back to the place I had been standing. Only now do I really comprehend that I stand by the mantle of the fireplace
He glances over at me,
“There’s dry wood in the shed, I noticed before—the power lines might be damaged, that’s why there is no heat or electric,” he says this as he walks towards me slowly, all the while he is focused on my eyes. When he reaches me, he is just inches away, his eyes intent upon mine as his bore into me like kryptonite; he says,
“I’ll go get some logs, but he stays there a moment before he says, “to build a fire….”
Maybe it was the words. Maybe it was the sense. But i knew we were not really there—not really….and the sick sense I needed to know what the shroud was hiding which so long I have been hiding under….
I force mayself away from him. I walk to the window. It is this knowing that draws me to look ….at the hide in the glow of the light….the scent fills my head but it is like a wrench in my soul that I feel it as I see the dark old stain of old faded blood that colors the hide a ghostly hue of alizarin crimson
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