so stayed up late

 

https://youtu.be/KA2n60NoOwY

missed R.E.M. sleep

Film Noir Smörgåsmassa

but you know, I find his wording so odd— ‘I may be guilty of….’

But then ….I think about Josef; why is he asking me about my divorce when—?

A tap on the open door causes us to look to see that Josef is actually standing there now 

“I hate to interrupt but….” Josef puts a tone of emphasis on each word 

Slowly it all begins to come together in my mind and first I look back at Jörn and then at Josef 

“Wait a minute ….the Swedish opera house…. “ I look straight at Josef now, “does the apple not fall far from the tree?”

“Vad?” Josef cocks a frosty, bushy brow at me and pierces me with the ferocity of his Nordic stare and….

what was that before about the Folkmoot? And the image of the dream comes to me with Raoul stood before the big Viking lord/king…. what a strange and cryptically odd thought ….that has popped into my mind at random it seems, 

but often thoughts as such prove to develop a picture in the dark room of reflection 

such as now, I say aloud looking at Josef 

“you’re the director!” 

At first he plays it off with a laugh,

“directing these characters is always a challenge and then of course we have Elsa and when she hits the right note, she breaks glasses!”

“No—you are the Swedish director ….you work for Interpol, I can’t believe I just figured this out!”

“Jörn, did you say you were going to make coffee?”Josef suddenly asks before, directing a cryptic glance at me now says, “I’m so glad Duvan has offered to help you with that. Don’t make your mother and I wait,” the last part he directs at Jörn, “her blood pressure….”

“Since when is coffee the cure for that?” Jörn snaps but repents, “we’ll start the coffee,” and without any warning, takes hold of my wrist as though to do what I did to him before

But Elsa appears and smacks his hand,

“where did you learn this savagery to women? Something you picked up here or sleeping under a metal curtain? You better make that coffee extra black!”

Electra’s dictionary & film noir(jmmusechron); a stampede of elephants in the room

And so to find myself back in Jörn’s Manhattan bedroom again ….and 

for a moment it seems I swing as a saloon door that is snapped to extreme 

and actually fall against the inside of the door frame as I look again upon it. As. It looks exactly the same. Like no time has passed at all in here

Almost like a vacuum

But no. It is ….I find a comfort. 

That he is ….still who I believe him to be ….because I don’t want him to be …. I can’t even think the thought…. I don’t want him to be anyone but who I know him to be; the spy who carries a cello to the philharmonic and is writing an opera …. about me …. ? ….I walk willing myself not to feel anything. But I go anyway to ….his side of the bed that he sleeps on and touch familiar things he always has there; a random pile of change; passport, random ticket stubs, there’s one for the philharmonic I see…. and touch it…. 

“What is going on Jörn?” I look up at him standing there. As if frozen

but he looks blank

so blank 

“It is like you have disappeared,” I look up at him as he looks at me

“It is something to do with ….a case,” he says

But he stands there so oddly by the door as he stares at me. He stares at me. In that way. Again. What does that mean? He looks so strange 

“So—what is it? Are you in trouble?” I ask him

He turns away. He is clearly tense. Then clears his throat. It seems he is about to say something. But nothing comes out. He walks hesitantly and as if interrupting himself, he stops at the chest of draws that line the wall beside the bed and there he stops to lean against. He folds his arms and presses his thumb to his lower lip staring at a spot on the floor

I feel my mouth go dry. I do not know why, but I feel his chill, feel his ….mood; it sweeps the air like a cold, humid fog and chokes 

“Tell me,” I say but it hardly leaves my throat 

Finally he looks at me, and then with that empty stare shakes his head,

“I ….uh…. I am not at liberty to say the details but, I —may be guilty of a very serious ….thing.”

“‘Thing’…. ” I repeat and wait. 

But he says nothing. 

“You mean—like a war crime?” I ask and ….inwardly flinch as I can hear the note of hysterical rising in my own tone as I ask as I stare at him. But I seem to know; intuition; I  already know. I feel my head become strange and my face seem to go cold 

Electra’s dictionary & film noir/checkmatepawn(JMMuseChron)

…. it has never been a question of what it is about —as far as all of This

And this thought I am split upon as I balance between the plains 

Josef says,

“Elsa is being satirical!” throwing up his hands, “it’s all under control….” But he stops himself and glances at Elsa. He looks back at me, “so, where are you exactly on your divorce from Chris—is it final or in the works?”

I push the chair out and stand up. This is my cue. I walk around behind Josef and straight to Jörn and take him by his lapels without looking. I just reach up as I go, with a glance and ….then I start to drag him that way

I get him about three paces that way with odd coughs and laughs behind me and dragged feet. Until…..

 my fingers are wrenched away

but by then we have made it through towards some privacy as I start for his bedroom

“Now, duva—“

“No, don’t ‘duva’ me—it is amazing to me—amazing Jörn!!!—how you really thought I was not onto you and your odd coverups of saying you are one place but being somewhere else and it gets old so, why am I the target in this scheme, I don’t understand because clearly your lust is for an entertainment —“ I wave my hand vaguely meaning to suggest —the recent elephant in the room. The discrepancy. 

“Where do I really stand in all of this, Jörn—am I just a pawn?”

sometimes it feels as though life hurts so much

the Smörgås Noir scene continues

you know…. as the metallic taste fills my mouth with that dread as I think about it

every time he says that everything is fine, everything is quite boring and normal it is like a tragical comedy that smoke screen may not be meant to fool me actually

I look at Josef as he sits at the head of the table and it suddenly occurs to me that the way the light is at this time of day —it could be a Folkmoot flashback because it hits me with a smack…. 

but glance back at Jörn ….I see him staring at me as I glance his way and it is that look ….right before I catch him I can see it there and 

it catches me to the quick 

 those capers of his

I’m always uneasy when he travels especially on a mission and …. well, I think about so many times he —messaged that everything is normal; it is like a flare gun going off or—a red flag? every time he says that everything is normal not to worry —the sirens blow 

“Before I would agree to anything,” I look at Josef when I say this, “I want full disclosure ….” 

But now I look at Jörn. I say as I look up at him,

“I will not agree to anything until you tell me —everything….” 

and keep my eyes steady on him. I don’t look away. I hardly blink. And I find this time I need to know how far he would push his luck about me; how far

Scene continues/e.d.Noir;demiSexual melt down

….and so in that moment of dazed confusion and slightly stunned 

I eject out of my head sitting there with them and think about ….my grandmother ….then my mother and their instructions in life

Such as, “you could do better,” my mother would say about every boy I brought home 

and for the rest of her short life 

And in this foggy state of surreality ….I think, “well just because I could do better does not mean there is any better out there to be had ….they are all creeps, liars, frauds who fuck with your head for the laugh….there is no point even bothering to look for better, you know?”

So 

I sit there pondering this quite seriously.

…. Because it is so true. They don’t exist. And I think, like  “there is no human.capable.of—of…. fuck, whatever—and besides that they mostly love themself more or their body part to even bother to get their head out of their ass, how could one of those ever fucking get me?”

Why are they looking at me that way….?

Oh god —did I just say all of that out loud?