Electra’s dictionary & film noir/checkmatepawn(JMMuseChron)

…. it has never been a question of what it is about —as far as all of This

And this thought I am split upon as I balance between the plains 

Josef says,

“Elsa is being satirical!” throwing up his hands, “it’s all under control….” But he stops himself and glances at Elsa. He looks back at me, “so, where are you exactly on your divorce from Chris—is it final or in the works?”

I push the chair out and stand up. This is my cue. I walk around behind Josef and straight to Jörn and take him by his lapels without looking. I just reach up as I go, with a glance and ….then I start to drag him that way

I get him about three paces that way with odd coughs and laughs behind me and dragged feet. Until…..

 my fingers are wrenched away

but by then we have made it through towards some privacy as I start for his bedroom

“Now, duva—“

“No, don’t ‘duva’ me—it is amazing to me—amazing Jörn!!!—how you really thought I was not onto you and your odd coverups of saying you are one place but being somewhere else and it gets old so, why am I the target in this scheme, I don’t understand because clearly your lust is for an entertainment —“ I wave my hand vaguely meaning to suggest —the recent elephant in the room. The discrepancy. 

“Where do I really stand in all of this, Jörn—am I just a pawn?”

the Smörgås Noir scene continues

you know…. as the metallic taste fills my mouth with that dread as I think about it

every time he says that everything is fine, everything is quite boring and normal it is like a tragical comedy that smoke screen may not be meant to fool me actually

I look at Josef as he sits at the head of the table and it suddenly occurs to me that the way the light is at this time of day —it could be a Folkmoot flashback because it hits me with a smack…. 

but glance back at Jörn ….I see him staring at me as I glance his way and it is that look ….right before I catch him I can see it there and 

it catches me to the quick 

 those capers of his

I’m always uneasy when he travels especially on a mission and …. well, I think about so many times he —messaged that everything is normal; it is like a flare gun going off or—a red flag? every time he says that everything is normal not to worry —the sirens blow 

“Before I would agree to anything,” I look at Josef when I say this, “I want full disclosure ….” 

But now I look at Jörn. I say as I look up at him,

“I will not agree to anything until you tell me —everything….” 

and keep my eyes steady on him. I don’t look away. I hardly blink. And I find this time I need to know how far he would push his luck about me; how far

Scene continues/e.d.Noir;demiSexual melt down

….and so in that moment of dazed confusion and slightly stunned 

I eject out of my head sitting there with them and think about ….my grandmother ….then my mother and their instructions in life

Such as, “you could do better,” my mother would say about every boy I brought home 

and for the rest of her short life 

And in this foggy state of surreality ….I think, “well just because I could do better does not mean there is any better out there to be had ….they are all creeps, liars, frauds who fuck with your head for the laugh….there is no point even bothering to look for better, you know?”

So 

I sit there pondering this quite seriously.

…. Because it is so true. They don’t exist. And I think, like  “there is no human.capable.of—of…. fuck, whatever—and besides that they mostly love themself more or their body part to even bother to get their head out of their ass, how could one of those ever fucking get me?”

Why are they looking at me that way….?

Oh god —did I just say all of that out loud?

Deep smörgås noir

 

I cannot turn back; that is to say, I cannot undo where I am, it is where I —am at

so thus surrender, there is nothing else for it…. and the water in the tall glass is held to my face and

for a dumb and long moment it seems I am frozen on the precipice of ….sheer and ridiculous epsilon soundlessness and decide that it is best to just give up to it ….

and drain 

the glass

the dots disappear.but that could be just coincidence 

So there is Josef —what….?no, I don’t wonder as he is at the end of the long table waiting for us with ….a strong sense I get

like a ‘disturbance in the force, ….Luke’

only he smiles at me as I walk into the room and I’m not sure what it is but a surreal sense of Fanny and Alexander 

Only, instead….. Josef comes over to me snd takes a firm grip of my arm as I feel Elsa let me go. And so maybe it is the concussion as I seem to feel so removed from myself. Almost as if I don’t care about any possible consequence anymore 

As though I have really abandoned myself to the will of chaos because ….well, maybe it would do a better job with my life than I have trying to always keep my feet on the ground 

carpet ride is clearly needs must  immediately because there in Josef’s expression is this highly tolerant look of indulgence that appears before he just lightly pushes my arm so that losing my balance I fall into that —convenient seat; flop. Land with an unfortunate sound that carries more humor with the following silence  

“So….” Josef says as if all of us know what is about to happen 

I look around for cues. Andreas sighs with irritation but takes a seat at the other end. Elsa sits near next to me on the left as Josef, with a dramatic flare clears his throat loudly and looks at Jörn. Everyone is looking at Josef looking at Jörn. Which Josef knows. Then he points to s chair as he glares at Jörn 

There is a dramatic sigh from Josef as he rolls his eyes 

“Duvan ….” Josef says as he looks at me

Why do I feel like I am on the edge of s cliff 

“The Svenska Opera House stands s chance of becoming a liquidation …..”  he stares at me with —that note of his son’s kryptonite; now I know where it originated 

“Is that the right word?” Josef looks at Andreas

I look too. Andreas shrugs and appeals to me with a shrug,

“they are saying that they do not want a Swede as a property owner there—basically— is what I get.”

I am further lost. 

I look at Josef. But Josef looks uncomfortable. 

I feel Elsa pat my arm,

“they are trying to say that we are in trouble unless we find an American wife for Jörn.”

 

signs

Continued ….

 

but then he says the strangest thing,

“this—was not about—that—has nothing to do with—“ and he inflects his hand in a gesture of ‘you and me’ 

but I don’t look as I start to stand up 

I keep my eyes steady on his face not letting my eyes once drift to his lying hand gestures 

“Nothing has changed between us,” he says

and still I don’t look there. and my eyes get blurry. but I keep my eyes on him even as the blur wells and overflows.down my face.I never even blink and the torture numbs my brain 

“that had nothing to do with—“ ….again the hand gesture

I don’t plan it.

It happens.

I slap his face.

I didn’t know I was going to

 it is a swift slap and hard 

And like a person trained for combat, he moves to slap me back ….I forget whether I get out of his way or he stops in time 

“What is this?!”

It is Elsa who walks in now 

she looks at me and then at Jörn. Then walks to me still staring at Jörn and helps me step away from the counter I have been leaning against from the after affects,

“come….” she says and louder with a tone of command at Jörn, “your father is waiting!” 

Unconditional terms

Jörn walks to the window and looks out because I have just said those words aloud 

He stands by the window with his arms folded. Then turns his head to look at me,

“you say you believe in unconditional love? What if I did something —that went against yours?”