Solo Noir/basic survival & the importance of relevance (edjmmusechron)

 

I guess world events of recent are keeping the spies of the world busy; Jörn has been away  —he has hardly, if at all, contacted me, and his old excuses seem empty these days.... so maybe it is time for some honesty with myself: I have been fooling myself; believing more can come of things and ....due to my feral instincts, instead of waiting for the inevitable, I now consider possible places to start another chapter. so caught up in thoughts I must not have been as observant as I should have been and making scenarios of plans in my mind, thinking of what or where to go next as.... even I know things are not stable anywhere 

still.... how can it all just be his stressful job? a spy openly after something he believes I have— never mind that he has never promised anything nor even suggested there ever could be a promise....so perhaps it is I am just not relevant to him 

....which is what was going on in my mind and why I was not as observant as I might have been. It was on my way to the bedroom in search of my phone to look something up about possible destinations to move to, and after I find my phone where I left it beside the bed, I leave the bedroom and head to the stairs to go back to the kitchen where I left the laptop to do some work on the computer—I’m not sure if it was the oddness of the sound that caught my attention.... the trash bins outside.... as it is not the day for it. It seemed to carry oddly an irregular tone. 

And just stepping outside the bedroom door I hear it and freeze stock-still.

And then, it was just by chance that I see! — something catches my eye— it was the shocking sudden image as it was reflected off the glass of the barn’s wall-sized window plate .... I see someone in plain sight outside on the grounds by the house! It is someone there or —is it just shadows I see moving....? no, I look more carefully at it as it moves slowly—yes, a man that is!.... it is now more clear as the clouds shift revealing from shadow, an actual image reflected on the glass quite sharp, a darkly clothed figure. I reach for my phone, take a shot of the reflection.... then pull close to view him; heavy set, muscular. And now notice my phone only has 5% charge ....with fingers now trembling, enlarge more, he’s wearing a mask; a full-faced one, not the friendly kind —and dressed completely in black—and drawing a dramatic, if not stunning contrast against the white outside from the fresh foot of snow from the recent storm ....and lending a very clear and a very present, uneasy awareness of the very deserted stillness ....which surrounds the vicinity. In situations like this, a drawback to living in the rural mountains 

I force myself into action when it occurs to me he is on his way to the patio door! time to move and fast! 

I go down the steps, taking extreme care to stay hidden from the window’s line of view and hide behind pieces of furniture as I make my way in the direction of the kitchen. 

I reach the pantry just as I hear the side door click and then slide open, and blocking out the pounding of my pulse in my head, manage to quietly unlatch the trap door and make it through, quickly closing it to fast, bolt it and jump through 

I land in a box on the conveyor belt as I feel my phone vibrating

 —and then it goes dead .... 

drawn from darkness

 

I was surprised to see this, as I didn’t realize I had a better photo of it as, like all my drawings and paintings as well as all my books; it is stored away in a garage in Michigan 

I drew this during a 48 hour blackout in the dark when I was living in Cedarhurst NY and if you look closely you can see that the date on there coincides with that well known black out

 

we call them “the arts” but it really is our diary .... our hope, our book of days .... and the love letter we leave behind  

 

my silence, dictionary; the air has grown as brutal chill as the horizon. how fast into the dark ages from medieval.... we go in search of light 

do not let go

 

ever more still 

as was before 

so does it now remain

 

He says to me,

“if it were possible to hop a magic carpet ride to —somewhere —some other time .... not in the virus time—what would you do?”

“In a world with no borders?” I say out loud and he nods,

“you mean where would I go, I think—don’t you?”

quiet noir noël

I think as I walk to the sauna through the little narrow pathway through the shrubs, it is the other way to get there from the part of the hill before it slopes down to the farmhouse

We have spent so very little time in here since last year, it only now even occurs to me. But suddenly it felt that I longed so much to be .... here

somewhere that matters

....somewhere I belong.... and it can be such a desperate ache ....to belong somewhere ....

but I only thought of the sauna because of how ....and only now realize once again — how yes.... how much like it feels like .... the place in the dream

but with the cold dead wood in the stove the place has a chill to it of another haunting image 

only it seems it does not cause me to want to go; I want instead to connect ....to feel.... to connect a feeling to that part of me ....that long got left as roadkill 

It seems our minds have been elsewhere instead of coming here to enjoy it, I think..... and sit on the wood bench that looks out into the trees

and I don’t know where I go in my head but it seems far enough away that I don’t even hear when the door opens 

“I can get a fire going,” I had not seen him come in 

“Oh!” I jump 

He follows my gaze in the direction of the view but it is not the view that I think we are both looking at. I mean— or is he? I’m not. 

He says,

“we should spend Jul night in here and just a fire....” but it is there in his voice that tells me.... he remembers it this way too and says against my ear, “celebrate like pagans.”