Til að hleypa ljósinu inn verður þú að auðmýkja þig….before the grace of God go I 

Scandi Noir Vampire eyes (jmmuse chron)

I sit there with the schnapps looking out into the wintry forest and I 

    …. I think about the power of words 

   those things you tell yourself ….those things people say to you 

those words that haunt and repeat and I wonder over the effect of 

    saying much much less 

say less ….don’t say, don’t ever say too much out in the world as I worry about words — ones that hurt me 

so many words have hurt me so much and I find I prefer to let it go, I feel ready to give up this martyr haircoat, I’m ready to be free 

How Josef smoothed my mind before ….it did something to me within ….that place I forgot so long ago ….and so as I look out into the cold frozen Adirondack mountains it occurs to me about eternity and what it means as timelines 

My mother always used to say, “I have been here before,” whenever we visited Paris and the first time she ever saw it. She seemed to know streets and carried the way when we explored down them knowing already where they’d lead to. It is interesting how they say the “connection to the other realm” sense runs in families and usually mother to daughter the trait is passed. This is true in our family line among certain females usually the youngest daughter gets it but it shouldn’t surprise me that someone like me would finally find her soul mate only to find he is a vampire 

I can laugh about it now; isn’t that something? Maybe this means I am recovering from the shock …. I mean, all this time he has been a vampire —why should this change my opinion of him? I’m not that narrow minded. It was just the shock….you know—so weird, I just went into hyper vigilance mode; my go to reaction….but I’ve been already so close to him, it would be almost prejudice to not try and see his side 

I know that. Of course. It is just that it is unfair he never bothered to try harder to show me his real and true honest self 

that is what hurts because I never let people in but the little he got of me was more than anyone else got so —I really think I deserved more in return for sharing an honesty of self ….I feel so cheated ….and this is why I still struggle with looking at him ….facing him …. Like it was all such a lie and I feel played —and I resent that but no—I cannot say! —even though my emotions matter too, don’t they?

It is now that I hear the nearby chair bumped and look up expecting Josef —only it is Jörn 

It is a moment I am caught off guard when I see him— it is the frozen white of the mountains covered in snow; it is the way he is looking st me; it is the way he he stands there ….like a golden god in the moonlight, his Nordic raw boned face and those vampire blue eyes like kryptonite that can burn indelibly right through your soul….it was the dye of thst blue ….the woad ….mixed with indigo ….just right if done on the full moon with a goat’s urine….snd why do I remember that….? The dye came from his trades ….

I touch his shirt—the Lycra sticks to my hands as I stand up and face him and ….i am just caught up in him, lost in his eyes that are that otherworldly shade of unearthly glowing blue in the moonlight 

As I hold up my walls I feel him reach inside my thoughts….he is showing me ….some of the parts I lost ….

For a strange moment it is as if I am balanced between two realities …. a real kind of Einstein-Rosen bridge—I am almost suspended and hover over the precipice between all that is ‘normal’ and ….whatever this is; knowing a world of something considered supernatural; vampires —and they just blend among normal people all the time without people knowing it ….?

Without me knowing it….

But really? Really! I mean…. I had to know all the time, didn’t I— I remember thinking “he’s either Jack the Ripper or a vampire….”

Jörn suddenly laughs at me 

He laughs in that way that works like weird pagan magic and this time when he bends down to kiss me, I don’t stop him, because this time it is with all of my soul in that hut in his arms again—it is him, he did come back for me ….

Epocs & Schnapps lapse

….And maybe it is the schnapps

but I find myself thinking about someone from my early childhood….Annie  —and maybe it is this way on a much larger scale for all of them

                                                    like going down an Einstein-Rosen bridge through time

but as I sit there I am not thinking about vampires or what is even happening presently…. no I am somewhere else thinking about many years ago like a life time ago as a little girl and time is so strange 

People say Florida is not really the South as it’s all owned by the Yanks but considering one hundred years is just twenty years more than a lifespan. How much closer it brings the American Civil War into a present reality. Because the locals before the Yanks arrived had their roots already there and these were the ones New Yorker’s kids went to school with and were taught by; these were the locals who got hired as “maids” and “gardeners”. And who were these people and where did they learn all that from 

So….sitting there looking out the window watching for deer or coyote my thoughts drift to Annie and maybe it is the schnapps ….but inwardly I start to cry— only one tear escapes as I keep my eyes set upon the dense forest…. Why do I think of her, from a life time —it feels—ago. When it feels I’ve lived so many lifetimes in this one 

She was the one I would see first after school. She was the one who asked how school was. The one who always gave me the best advice and the one who saw the family charade for what it was but never uttered a word on it. And always I was called “Miss” by her before my name and she spoke with a very thick southern twang, the kind with the long drawn out drawl so a sentence could dangle you in suspense for sometimes awhile if she was ironing. For a very long time I never asked her why she did that; called me “Miss” before my name. Then one day I did. And she told me about her life and her family’s past on a slave plantation (in Georgia). She seemed old to me. Maybe she was. She had grown children. Her black lined face showed the years and her black hair, always neatly pinned, was coursed with gray. I still didn’t know why she said she called me “Miss” out of respect and I remember saying so because to me she was more like a mother ….

you go back to a point of reference within where you might have recalled a glimpse of comfort ….her hugs always made everything right and looking back I know she favored me and perhaps now I understand why….it was with her the day on the public bus when they pointed st me, the day my mother forgot to get me, the day my notorious father died it was; Annie brought me to her house for the one and only time I ever saw it….it was in the ghetto. I remember holding her hand in her kitchen as she called all my family’s emergency numbers

It makes me wonder about Jörn —that he should love me ….so faithfully through time ….how could I be so blind realizing 

Noir family matters

….but by the time Josef and I go inside, it seems the subject, for now, has reached a stopping point in which to pause 

So, we find Jörn in the kitchen leaning against the counter watching the electric kettle as it makes noise boiling water. His body language and expression is resigned. I don’t know why this disturbs me so

I’d hardly noticed him —so caught up in the terror of such a surreal awakening destroying my previous reality forever that I seem not to be at all in my temporal state of mind 

There are so many levels to sift through still and consider ….and being an analytical sort of person, I cannot rest until I have all aspects noted, labeled and categorized in my mental filing cabinet ….

He wears a deep dark blue Lycra long sleeved, that kind of blue that in the right light looks like a peacock’s feathers and then turns back to navy blue; it is the same color as his track suit running trousers that fit him like a second skin. For a silly moment I wonder over my previous thoughts of him as a stealth ninja; his obsessive need to go running and his well toned torso warrior muscles show right through his t-shirt. It makes me wish to know such silly things ….

as though giddy—

“Are you a berserker?” 

I don’t know why I asked him that

But then I start to laugh—it’s too ridiculous ….

“Get the schnapps,” Josef says quietly, I almost don’t hear and I know it doesn’t register 

I was expecting tea and sat down by the window where the square wood kitchen table is and turned to the window to absently search for deer or coyote but what was handed to me wasn’t tea at all and something more like what my grandmother threw back in the kitchen —peachy but more pretending to be but before I could complain it went directly to my head 

Electra’s dictionary/thoughts in the cold with a vampire

Should I feel ashamed that he does that to me…. that it happens in sleep …. there is intimacy which is not the same as what you think of usually as intimacy 

I suppose this is why I try to step out into the freezing cold — to free my mind from the confines of walls. Feeling boxed in within walls and mountains 

it is hard to think with Jörn so in my head. So…. I am thinking about beyond myself and what his need is to have me, if only while sleeping 

….always it was….he comes to me in dreams ….

    like a memory ….reaching through the subconscious ….and through time ….that horizon I chase so blindly …..walking ….behind him? wasn’t that the great shadow that was always there in front of me in those foggy, hazy, misty dreams…..mixed with the bats on the walls ….I remember the bats now as part as when those memories first started surfacing 

So he is reaching for ….Elan ….when he makes love to me ….he is making love to her ….it isn’t me….is it….or is it….?

I try to step out of myself. I try not to feel upset. I don’t understand my emotions ….lately….I just don’t make sense —everything in the lens just went surreal like one of those films from avant guard film class ….

But if her is me…. I am really her….that is—it explains the irrational nightmares of being lost ….of looking for something I cannot find but not knowing what it is ….then this means ….

I have been looking at all of this wrong ….the way Jörn masqueraded as the psychiatrist back in Chestertown back when he was on that case and there was something about Dr Rothschild —he had found something about me ….the case study she did —? I forget ….

I think ….i shut my eyes….the cold goes up my sleeves and I turn into the building to brace from the wind….

My face is in the wall as I think, huddled from the wind ….and even this strange action —triggers memories of the man with the vampire eyes and the hut….i recall the cold and the thought of the hides ….they were our source of warmth; I remember this—and the smell of the skins; the way it would sting your nose when the heat from the fire filled the hut inside. This I see and feel all at once as I shiver off the wind…. and right now, I find that I feel—I long so desperately for the hides and— the heat of our hut….it comes to me like ice water on my face, a sharp pain, like a stab in my heart—

Dracula magic? ….is he causing me to remember more?  —and I half expect to see him behind me when I hear someone approach 

But when I turn around I see Josef

His appearance at this moment throws me completely off guard —I half gasp 

“mitt kära barn, you look like you’re seeing a ghost! It’s just me, kära…. I just wanted to see if you are all right standing there as you are—you seem in some kind of a state, why don’t we go inside and have some tea? It’s quite cold even for a Viking!” And he chuckles at the last bit 

Because it seems inevitable we should confront I don’t object. I only stand there feeling confused. 

Of course I am imagining him at the dinner table with Elsa in the other long house behind this one….so I am imagining her serving from a big Steuben Crystal soup tureen some blood-red liquid for dinner….it makes me gag 

“We don’t do it like that,” Josef says to me

“Did you just read my mind?—do none of you guys have any ethics on mind privacy?”

“Kära, you are dealing with a very unusual matter here and I am only trying to be a supportive father figure, believe me, I have had years of experience and you have had little—let’s go inside and have some tea….” 

It would have taken a feather to force me to go, suddenly, I was glad of his appearing because hearing it not from Jörn might make better sense 

“It was Elsa’s fault….” Josef says as we walk along the heavily snowed walk to the house’s wide back deck where I left from, the garage is further past the deck towards the kitchen. The sliding glass door leads into the lounge living area 

“Hmmm?” I ask mildly as we walk, he is behind me

He tugs on the back of my coat so I stop and turn around to look at him

He looks at me with his frosty white brows and icy Nordic blue eyes with their curios twinkle; he waves his hands at himself and twirls his hands.

Still I have no idea. I look blankly at him. 

So he raises an index finger and apes the Hollywood version of a vampire sucking someone’s blood 

I stand glued to the spot. I don’t notice the cold. But I stare blankly.

“It was Elsa’s idea —all this….” he raises his brows at me, “how long can a husband be angry at his wife? A few centuries?”

Is he joking?

Is this like a gag joke he does and I’m missing the humor?

“Huh….” I think I said. Maybe it was a question. Or ….maybe it was my attempt to make my mind catch up with events 

“I ….feel I should tell you before we go inside,” Josef says

“Tell me what?”

“Jörn didn’t ….he was trying to save your life….Elan’s—“

“You knew Elan?”

“Of course!” Josef stares at me 

He stares at me ….in that way Jörn does when it is Elan he sees in me. It makes me feel upset. I don’t know why ….

I look up at Josef as I feel this but I feel him in my thoughts and something strange occurs; like a wrinkle smoothed out, if a thought could have a wrinkle —he smoothed it. And the correct lens dropped into view 

“Adelsö….” Josef whispers to me 

I knew when he said the word that it was a place. And as he said the word a vision came to me. I saw the hallways and the tables and knew—he was there ….he was one of the judges on the island…. It was before arriving at the other place —they were there ….they were all there, even Andres and Hanna….

I feel so dizzy, I lose my balance and fall into the side of the house, but then I lean against it for support as I look back up at Josef 

“How was it her idea—what did he think he was doing?”

“He—you must understand, it was a bad time for him— he’s never recovered, kara….he was willing to do anything to—to—bring you back….he himself was a walking corpse ….”

“Are you saying Elsa knows black magic?”

Josef actually laughs when I say this. It’s a laugh not intended, like the surprise of what I said caused his laugh unchecked 

“She’d love you to think so,” he amends

He walks beside me and then leans against the wall too next to me,

“she knew of a woman ….we were pagan in those days….there are a lot of myths about our gods and there are a lot of things that have been hidden from what modern people may think of as Common Knowledge. And that’s the way the rest of us like it to stay but….thats for another time…. There was a ritual—it required all of us, or so Elsa said ….i don’t ever think she wanted to resurrect you but back then, we didn’t know it couldn’t be done. Elsa knew. So she duped us—he kept the body frozen ….the ‘witch’ I guess you’d call her today….she came to the ….it was a structure, a small building where the welding was done, where he lived in that clan’s settlement as their welder ….they were not a good people but at Adelsö it was decided that was where the terms from a —a past blood feud it was —we—they sent him there, it was Hovgården….”

Integrating the dictionary/Electra’s dictionary

I have not thought of the day I had to call 911 emergency 

    he’d had his hands around my throat in a rage and I was terrified —the weeks of his lows were exhausting ….Chris…. he couldn’t face it —and I had to stop carrying him because he was killing me —the people arrived …..the drama out on our street. Everyone saw. I went with him. I slept there the week on the floor 

As empaths we absorb so much of others emotions when we feel them 

we take it on— it isn’t a choice but a burden or gift yet not something one turns off 

Unless induced and I guess that is why the need for escapism was ever the choice 

The crumbs I left behind ….it’s a riddle that nobody has ever solved 

but I’ve left all my clues in the legend 

After the years —looking back…. I couldn’t have escaped my husband without their intervention ….the doctors ….the forced treatment —to get him out of my head; he was a sickness and I was trapped in his bipolar cycles always ….the angel of mercy ….but nobody is for me —

but then there is Jörn 

Electra writes; dear electra/Electra’s dictionary

Tonight I feel like Cathy having lost her soul and wandering blindly through the mists 

it feels sometimes as if he has sucked out the whole soul of me ….not just an emotional vampire then ….he has become so much a part of me even with the interruptions of what tends to happen with us 

I am exhausted ….I do not know where I end and he begins and I never noticed it happen; the integration was ….so subtle ….he wove into my worlds and into my thoughts 

He says to me,

“How can I be emotionally dangerous to you when I have watched far worse with the way you’ve let Bran walk all over you!”

It was like he spat it at me. 

It stunned me. 

It made me think ….if he can infiltrate minds—but feel what they feel too …. How long has he been empath-ing me with his Dracula powers? 

While it violates the very meaning of privacy—of the mind ….to know he has invaded mine for so long….how much of my secrets does he know…. 

Yet he stands there looking at me in that way ….like it isn’t me —but it is me….they are things that happened to me —I know their references and their impacts on my timeline 

How does he know how Bran —?

….how dare he! ….how could he? 

Only ….he has searched 

     centuries ….? 

Searched centuries …. Only to find someone you’ve been looking for through lifetimes but —he never dies ….it is forever for him to wait but then to know it is fleeting anyway 

What do you say ….how to amend …. how to insinuate yourself into a stranger’s life that ….you knew when she lived as someone else ….

I wonder it must be hard to watch me live my life and ….he could never come near me —to say who he is ….

so I think of this too only now once the rage is now spent out of me 

But how do you lay this on a person who’s mortal and expect instant —instant what exactly ….what is his end game plan in this anyway ….somehow I don’t think there is one for him exactly 

Electra’s dictionary/legends are given by permission

It is like we are suspended 

     in some separate reality …. that is not the world —or not Earth 

The frozen sky and the northern hemisphere cloaked in their own frozen reality and separate piece…. but these mountains may be physical for the barriers they serve but beyond that, they do not contain me

I have been somewhere else. Far away. Somewhere far far away 

It is awhile until I realize I am awake. I seem to have been watching the sky from the angle of my head as my vision is turned to the window. Watching a sky. A sky I don’t see. So where am I looking? Where am I?

“The hardest part ….” I suddenly hear Jörn say, along with the sound of his motion of him as he reaches to draw back a ringlock of my hair as it covers my face, “was watching your pain in this life,” he says now 

But I am still staring at the cold gray sky outside the glass of the window; his words don’t fully register 

I shut my eyes ….how long has he been there?  I feel him in my head ….and the warmth of him next to me

“Finding out how you grew up, about your abuse at home,” he whispers this into my ear and moves his hand to rest on the other side of me so his arm is draped across my waist—but I try and resist this, and push against his too familiar half embrace and turn my back to him. I turn my face into the mattress and cover my ears with my hands 

I don’t want to hear this. His sympathy? About something I never think about? How dare he! What an insult 

“I have to tell you,” he says taking hold of me and turning me round 

“I don’t want to hear this!” I look right at him

“I have to tell you!” he shouts at me

“Why?!” I shout back

“Because somebody should!”

But he’s only made me angry,

“nice wake up—and why is it only when it’s scheduled by you that the timing is always right to invade me? I certainly have a million questions but one of them is not should I give you cart blanche to my emotions. You are emotionally dangerous to me, and you have no rights to my thoughts unless I give you permission and you need to earn that first!”

I shout all this in one long tirade, sitting up and then leaping off the bed

But when I’m done the outcry leaves me dizzy ….I sit down at the foot of the bed 

I slowly look at him,

“how young was I before you realized who Elan was in this life?”

“I told you —we—I ….didnt put a face to it—you—until that case of Willem’s”

“Wasn’t that a bullshit story? How does Willem actually fit into all this —‘cause….you said it was your first case together, wasn’t that the story you told me?”

Jörn clears his throat. He walks to the window on the other side of the room and looks out. After awhile he lets out a heavy sigh 

“There’s no way to explain without telling you the whole story and ….I’m not sure you’re ready for all of it,” he looks at me from across the room 

After awhile he paces across the room, first to the door and then to the closet and then back to the window he started at. He does this a few times. 

 

views from the mountain 

Electra’s dictionary; living/time

I think about Elan and the connection to that her in me. The feel of the motion in my hips when I am walking ….it is like that horizon has never left me…. I am always chasing it ….searching for it ….trying to find my way back to it 

And outside it is ….

Yet another snow storm and I am lost in my thoughts. 

I pace the rooms all day and forget to eat ….reading the same sentence in a Room With a View 600 times …. 

Because I try to be centered—find the normal within ….within this mad mad world ….it just gets wackier out there so whatever ….the Chi inside is mine to claim 

Jörn has left me space 

    ….the times in the night he visits me when I’m sleeping I think are dreams as it is happening ….he does this on purpose ….you see? it is the elephant in the room I’m pretending isn’t there ….by hiding myself away upstairs as he does —Dracula things? whatever he does ….what does he do? hunts….? 

But it is clearly a gift he has honed. I just never realized how good at it he is. It’s a mental thing but it’s not because he can do it even if I’m asleep. He enters my dreams. I don’t really think it’s ethical. This is what makes me kind of annoyed with him 

but ….like I say, he is very good at what he does ….and I also think a part of it is something far deeper —it is as though he is waking her up —no….he is waking up that part that was her within me that I forgot and —how can I be angry at him if ….he is trying to find me again as Elan —while selfish perhaps, it seems almost the opposite; a shocking deeper level of ….

This is why I choose time to myself ….we have not even spoken beyond a perfunctory and polite Goodmorning over coffee and, pass the lingonberry jam which could be any time of day…. it’s a blur lately, the intensity of the impact I continue to reel in ….

And if I were to be frank with myself, would I truthfully say I never suspected he was a vampire? I totally blindsided myself 

It was that whole ….emotion ….he gave me —I felt a knowing of him ….of him from another level of me —and I ached for him —it was immediate ….that wasn’t his Dracula magic; it was the surprise moment the first time I ever saw him but I pretended it wasn’t there. But I knew it was. There was a pull. It was as if a powerful magnet was drawing me before I even looked up, but he wasn’t yet looking at me ….before we got into the elevator —the day with Gerald, we were talking on the way heading by the mailboxes in the lobby ….he had the cello and was turned toward the street still as he came in through the apartment building’s glass doors 

What was it? It was something so familiar —the silhouette of him—it was the way he carried himself ….the cello case ….the set of his Viking shoulders and the glint of gold in his hair as the sun caught it in its light ….that was what it was; like stupefied for a moment —and if I were to consider this now, I guess ….there was the sense, how could that be? But no—as if—Elan thought it

how could that —him ….still be?

Time after time; Electra’s dictionary noir, jm chron

I type into my phone as thoughts wander, and still skirt the Dracula subject —I’m not quite ready

Time~ among Jörn’s world does really flow differently, it fools with the mind. It is as if the world out there is some outer galactic place 

It is possible I am just quite mad or that is only a symptom of —what Dr. Rothschild had opened my mind to; Dr. Brian Weiss’s best selling book Many Lives Many Masters is a profound journey past the white light

Why do I think of this now? Brian Weiss is a real psychiatrist and he had a patient who he was trying to help get over some serious phobias that were ruling her life. So, it begins with this account and how he used hypnosis to open her mind through unconscious awareness. This was how Dr. Rothschild had suggested to try hypnosis on me 

But what happens under hypnosis is, he asks her to go back to the original source of the phobia—he asks her to try to identify when this phobia began. The shock is her reply. As it turns out she says it was in Greece and during some time BC. Apparently  the woman was not well educated. So when the doctor asked for details of her surroundings or what food she ate or how food is prepared the woman gave a full detailed explanation for how things were prepared with ingredients not at all familiar to her locally, and more still—he asked for many details which he later researched to see if things added up. Being a university of Miami doctor, he had a lot of historical colleges who had access to information supporting what the woman described, Dr. Weis is stunned. Not only did things she said add up, but once out of hypnosis she had no memory of any of this. And he never told her because she was, in this life, a Roman Catholic.

He cured her phobias but she never knew how. And it had to do with a childhood trauma that happened from a previous incarnation. 

The doctor who wrote the book is a doctor of science and he had trouble believing what was happening. He was not a believer in the concept before this occurred. 

He was able to cure her of all her complaints and then he had future patients he regressed to help deal with deep rooted phobias. 

People are so complex—and I think this watching Jörn from the bedroom window shoveling snow…. and it is like I can see him —through Elan’s eyes in moments when my thoughts go unharnessed 

The mind and psyche are not just a brain with cerebral chemicals —it is much more 

And I suppose now as I think of headshrinkers in doctors offices ….their assessments and their labels —those mental tests they make you take when you’re on ‘the radar’ ….my laundry list of diagnosis that is as thick as a text book —and the man in the white coat who runs those tests looks at you like you’re a guinea pig and the somber look as he says, “unfortunately at the top of the list is borderline personality disorder too….tsk—one of the hardest to cure tsk….” Tsk tsk indeed

but as it was my field of study, I was able to combat his remarks calmly and correct his approach  —and pointed out it is just an umbrella term to make their jobs simpler by shoving you into a convenient box, 

but the human mind is far more complicated to be sliced up like everyone is the same, like sushi rolls on a conveyer belt and write in their files in neat bold letters with precision  numbers of what degree of a freak you are and the fun part; their candy box; the head shrinking drugs forced and applied—for their convenience ~borderline personality ‘disorder’ (there were a lot of other nutter names in that file for me, he was so pleased!)just needs to be better understood; that is the ones labeled as such need to be better understood and not forced to uniform to the world’s convenience 

And as I watch Jörn now and feel that other landscape come into my mental view I wonder how Dr. Weiss would assess once considered from Elan’s influences —often you see a tree with long branches that somehow grew around and through the wires of a fence. Experiences force us to bend and adapt and react but maybe other people who make up the ordinary world are not able to grasp the whys and the what’s of behavior so they need neat labels with neat prescribed answers—because for lab coat doctors, it is an abbreviation for having to think critically for themselves. People are not statistics; we’re individuals ….with many pasts

https://youtu.be/9AhoZBK1z50?si=dFHBNe0Xbhk-H8Dl

of worshipping ancient gods

He gets into my head ….within slumbering walls within, he finds the way to lure me ….like those shadows like bats on the wall, it is almost a drug; a mind control seduction ….so, like the primitive within, awoken and primal I forget me and only think of wanting ….him

I always enjoyed sucking him off; watching his member become erect before my eyes, how poised and firm he stands before me—at my command ….suck—mmmm licked, pop ohhhhh it is a dream 

he wakes me, is looking down at me,

“Duva…..”

like a golden god he comes 

    

      to me

Electra’s dictionary noir; jm chron/diary thoughts; awakening to feeling Whole

The clarity I value more than anything. I lost that for such a long time; I could not find my thoughts; I could not find my connection —to the whole of my consciousness. 

I compare that to now. Waking up from that. After years. Of numbness. They forced prescriptions on me; four different psychiatric prescriptions. During that time— the years …. of sedation that are addictive —join us; they beckon….i lost everything whilst under their drugs; family; daughter; rights; sexual urges; passion; art; focus—I was a programmed value; their comfortable success story— neutered and numb; bloated and forgetting what me I meant to fight for 

But Jörn ….has never faltered, has never let these things that trapped me cloud his value of me 

How ungenerous I have been to him —I start to think….only no—I couldn’t fathom until now his ….steadfast and infinite loyalty 

It is like waking from anesthesia —the dulling sedative of sleepwalking zombies which the world so often seems but —with him 

All the years of searching and wishing to be seen…. how silly I have been; obtuse 

Alas, there is that sense of reconcile —only for once in my life I find still…. the need not to put all my thoughts into words or ….even think….

     because I find for now; right now— I prefer just being ….and feeling one with my whole Celf 

Electra’s dictionary Noir; jm chron/Waits&measures

Thoughts move more swiftly lately

The view I have come to love more from my glass foyer ice cubed shaped ad hoc studio.

    I suppose it is the permanence that, in its quiet way, works like a gentle fingered massage to my skull —Jörn never has to say a single word —I feel all his acutely and ….he does this consciously without intrusion 

And I appreciate this space —it isn’t that he allows it, it is that he understands it 

something I have still as yet to; but that is for another moment

no instead, I think about those minute and rather forgettable things I think of —the space of time in between events and there is my peace because it is in these such moments I think of in past when I recall being open ….to letting him in 

one has to be able to, 

the shields willingly laid down 

and when the inner Celf knows —this one’s ok, just feel the energy

How long has he searched for me? How many lifetimes with his one life time has he ….longed? ….but it is without sense to myself, it is only with the desire to fully understand him ….and once I remove myself from this equation I understand a little better ….and in time….i shall ask about the weight he has carried through the ….wait

Electra’s dictionary noir/more diary continued

Perhaps it is serenity I have sought 

    while it has seemed as though I could not find my way in this world —now I do; now this unsaid truth has been whispered to me, all is well within

my north 

    has always been where it always was 

Who I am— and all of myself fully I’ve walked that tightrope all the way and —how very blessed to know ….Jörn knows the whole of me 

….and more 

      to be seen is one thing but to be fully and utterly 

               loved and desired for ….perhaps a scope of things I cannot now comprehend 

That question again echoes …. “Do you know how long I have searched for you?”

Like some kind of indelible ink burned into my mind, he repeats this question to me for days now; I am haunted by his words 

It is too much—a lifetime of loss is more than enough for me—how many has he known….?

and—that nerve; that gut reaction of an empath —I am too much to the core of my Celf gutted ….by this very tragic thought 

Electra’s dictionary/diary noir

Dearest Celf,

today without expectations of anything, it is a better day; I do not probe into my thoughts, I do not wonder so much about how many rings are within Jörn’s tree and all that this involves ….instead, I have a better day 

We have been back a few days, and while I did dread having to face the family drama, perhaps considering the impact of —things ….they have given me space 

When we first pulled up again to the property, I was struck by the sense of how much it resembled ….the long houses from my dreams —my ….visions….or —memories— I suppose it is time to accept —but still, I just choose not to take it all full on in all that it means ….and choose to do so without censorship of thoughts I ….let it

I always resisted the memories —I see now. The fear was there always with the whispers in my dreams 

Only as we pull up this time—the barn house with the two story plate glass window and the clear view of Jörn’s grand piano —I blink twice because I think, looking past the house, that I see double. 

But no…. 

And only as Jörn pulls the car around to the side of the house by the kitchen entrance do I see—there, past the sauna house —there! where the old original farmhouse used to be—is now —another barn house! It is the twin of the one in front —exactly the same—and ….like this—in parallel, it is de ca vu —almost ghostlike, I had to blink as they look like the ….memories; the long houses past the hut—they are lined next to each other the way they would so often appear in ….those dreams. 

When you think of time as endless —you start to comprehend Jörn’s family’s behavior 

   and I realize the space they give me now is but a second to them 

They now occupy the newly built replica house like the one we all had lived in together before. And as the damage done by the assassins has now long been successfully removed, I hardly recall the way it had looked after that horror went down. 

Somehow, whether, it is from the sense of those other memories, or how well it holds off the howling stormy winds, it is like a fortress to be within walls like this again. And I guess I choose not to question why ….things like—why do I matter so much to Jörn? ….his “Duva….”

No, I do not bother with these kinds of questions, as it no longer is relevant to the big picture ….and even Jörn has given me space. Space to think and to write and even paint ….as the farmhouse had been where I’d gone in past to paint, now there is a better space with natural light as it is the open foyer under the stairs with floor to ceiling glass walls that behold an Adirondak mountain forest of frozen white

but there are screens which I added to enclose the space and set the easel and mediums upon the slate floor and for awhile I am glad to just paint trees as I think or don’t think and ….let thoughts wander 

And of course without meaning to…. I start to scry 

Electra’s dictionary JM chron/Diving deep into vacuous

It is odd and funny the way the mind goes; the trail of thoughts that lead you ….sometimes down and climbing up walls of unexpected attics 

Because as he drives through our timelined walled highway, I play a mind game with myself. 

I ask myself—find some safe place I know …..some reliable place….a place I would feel best at ease to be

right now 

And, of all places—it is the art warehouse. So as Jörn drives now in silence, and our thoughts are linked—yes, I feel the tickle of his probe….but a latent talent I immediately know….?—I instinctively, and without hesitation, probe back …..and demand the space it provides as I defend the fortress of my mind 

and ….

there we are; it is predictable—the list of locations that require fulfillments ….their list of items with item numbers ….find the items by number; write it down what isle in the massive floor layout that included numerous shelves, upper cubby space, warehouse cubby space, and still to be received by the shipping and receiving desk that belongs to the daytime shipping and receiving staff by the loading dock 

I’m not in the car anymore; I’m there in my space at the warehouse —it’s a work bench made of heavy duty hardware which doubles as the shop’s carpenter and handyman’s work space —and— the PM night shipping desk—mine

Only now it occurs to me—by AM it belonged to Anthony. We passed as he’d be leaving. He’d be punching out. I’d punch in. There by the ordering department office was the punch clock. There was our desk

Why do I think of this now as he drives? 

Time lines 

My eight hour shift…. my work home was that desk. A workbench. But ….

I never much thought about Anthony …. ever

yet we shared the same space. I’d clean up each night/morning when I was done. He’d hardly know I touched an object of his. Knives, razors, staple guns, glue guns and more all neatly replaced and filled up; surface cleaned tidy 

Is that what it is like ….I look at Jörn’s profile and think —

    we inhabit the same space but 

         how we imagine we own it becomes our reality 

why do I think of this now in relation to ….Life and our conceptions of —Reality ….it’s all relative but; isn’t it more necessary to see its relevance to the Self

It’s more about the subjective need to see one’s meaning in one’s relevant space —the other reality is theirs and 

Not actually relevant 

                                   to what you need to do

Electra’s dictionary noir JM chronicles/ thoughts in rewind

It is awhile; I don’t know how long, but it seems I fall into daydream, as though my brain yields the reins and gives up over to some higher conscious mind within. You can see the layers of time in the mountains…. when they cut into them to make the highways, the geological time lines, they exposed the secrets of the earth for all to view…. I watch this go past us as he drives…. They are all different colors, the layers, like sand art, but this is the earth’s past in fingerprint for some of us to get a glimpse of. 

Perhaps watching this hypnotized me, lulled me into another state which from mental weariness it was easy to fall into, but caught by the earthy beauty; a reminder of life…. And the seeming insignificance of …

Only now does it start to sink in; his words….only now do I see how possibly unkind I was but still—I am not quite there emotionally to let all of that through

“Do you know how long I have searched for you?”

Only now do I ….only now….watching the geological lines of time….speed by me….as Jörn drives, grinding his teeth ….his words only now reach me ….like objects that bounce in slow motion, his words ….start to take shape in my thoughts…. What would that mean

Really?

When we first headed out, leaving the property of that creepy home that belonged to my natural father, he had tossed out that incomprehensible question,

“What would you do with a thousand years?” and pausing to look at me as he pulled into the gas station to fuel for our journey to the Adirondaks from the Catskills —just as he opened the driver side door to get out— he looked at me with those Vampire, ice-blue eyes with their bolts of kryptonite and added to the question, “….or more?”arching a pale blonde brow he stared at me, beaming with those bolts into my soul

And now, only now, as I watch the blur of lines speed by I thought about this question

And I then —after a long reverie of thoughts over ….events-of-history …. I thought of him and —what has he seen?

Maybe it was exhaustion from the last few nights…. But I found myself suddenly swept over by what his words meant. The other words. 

….how long he has search

   ….for me

Driving back to ….the dungeon?/Electra’s dictionary noir

I suppose it is the need for “normalcy”, after a great shock ….because I do not question things; I do not even for a moment go there at all even as the frozen snowy scenery’s alarming and desolate beauty should be enough to sober me out of this catatonic state of ….disbelief 

You try to make it normal —or you try to fit your head into how far off the bend this ….all goes 

But then it’s not real. Is it? I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming this. This cannot possibly be ….

be why …. all those strange feelings from the moment….we first met

I literally slap myself. Wake up.

I take my hand and slap the side of my face.

“Duva?”

Jörn is driving. Of course he’s driving. This is all normal, see? We do this all the time…. except when we don’t…. We have those lapses. Lapses where I’ve had enough of his spy games and shut the portcullis….

       And I must think because I’ve missed something ….was it perhaps during our lapses—do they hibernate—? —or have intergalactic meetings to determine the fate of Earth? …. at this point any wild idea I am willing to put on the table to examine…. what things has he been he up to that I have dismissed ….? I mean—clearly I have been missing so much ….Gerald?

“Duva?” Jörn touches my arm…. I get the strangest—strangest ….what is it? It goes like a charge right down to my fingertips. I even watch my index finger jump on its own. I always ….put it up to his effect on me, you know, the way he has this way to just melt my knees as soon as he is near. I’ve tried to shrug it off, I don’t like to admit it; but he has the strangest effect on me and even as we may just say that it is sexual; it would be doing the effect an injustice not to include that the sexual trigger is caused by the other things that ….he does to me. 

I turn my face to the frozen mountains and pull my arm close to me 

No….because it is more now that I realize —he knows what he does. But worse; what he uses. 

Only….these are things I must see

I must integrate Elan’s ….i must integrate my lost memories from the life when I was Elan ….because I still carry ….what we lost and—I know that within all of that loss, heartbreak and pain, I suppose there was anger at him; why did he leave me there; why didn’t he get there in time; why did he let me down….and worse even;was I not enough?—for him to make it in time ….but these are not my thoughts—these are what I recognize as hers—but that I have thrown upon lovers in my own current life, like a self-fulfilling prophesy, all through my life, looking for people who will let me down; it has repeated, I see now looking back at my past; like being in a subconscious loop of self punishment for ….trusting him—a killer; a pirate

I turn to the mountains and look as the chaos of speed smooths the horizon into an impressionist landscape

I take out my phone. I look at my messages. 

I say,

“Gerald has not answered any of my texts,” and now I look at Jörn’s profile. There—I see the nostrils flare ….

He knows I watch him, but he drives in silence now. But as he clenches his jaw, there it is! The glowing blue is illuminated by the cast of the sunlight through clouds, reflected on stark white mountain peaks all around —it glows as if connected by its light source energy 

“When did you start to know?” Jörn asks now

I say, turning back to the road in front of us as he drives,

“it was not a sudden knowing. It was more that I started to realize how much energy I had to put into trying to find reasonable explanations for —too many weird things —that made all the other odd things seem like child’s play once the idea that those odd things allows everyone in this ….to hide the bigger more seriously fucked up thing.”