Electraspective Vampire Noir; the man with the vampire eyes

The transformation to become dissociative did not occur all at once. The Darwin theory of survival of the fittest, I’ve said often enough, requires adaptation. The sociologists of the current times feel they are the authority on what is normal. 

Again, I must look to Darwin

I remember the slow process—as an actual choice; I was a child at the time facing the daily horrors of fear of my father because he often used a leather belt on me. That really hurt. A lot. It was very painful. He waited for me to cry. 

I never knew why he did this. The reason was never given. Sometimes it was if I just appeared in the room at the wrong time.

I got sick of the constant exhaustion. The emotional exhaustion. The physical exhsustion.and also, I got sick of —letting him WIN.

I think it began with that anger. And it occurred as he was sweeping the leather into my skin. I felt the raw fire burn my skin; I knew it—I felt the sting in my eyes begin ….

I heard him laugh 

it was that ….and I jumped out of myself —I’m not sure how but….the rage within did a weird reflex switch that triggered something when I should have begun to cry 

Someone else took over 

It wasn’t me. 

I stopped feeling it. The pain was gone. I heard myself actually laughing and encouraging him to continue 

That was the first time and ….back then I wondered if I could choose to trigger this on my own or….

it had begun brewing awhile I know—I often felt an absent sense of “going away” when I was in an uncomfortable situation 

but often I went into a trance that scared everyone as well as myself— so the disconnect was first the shock of the physical pain mixed with the confusion of trust and horror at my parent and the utmost safety lost 

I know it was too much to process as a child. So it started in small ways like that. Often the self protection was triggered all by itself. I’d just blank. I’d feel nothing. Sometimes I heard what was happening. But I was far far far way. Nothing gets in ….there 

I would say as a survivalist of the Darwinism championship, my disassociation is not an abnormality as the DSMV, the bible of modern day human behavioral’s right and wrong judges~I would say, I’m light years ahead of them in evolvement 

which is why standing in this foyer in Jörn’s dungeon staring at that name has me thinking about 

my soul’s evolution 

   on a scale I do not think could be registered in the DSMV