~the truck interior container scene continues~
When there is mostly dim shadow and nothing to look out at, thoughts always seem to go inward, especially without the distraction of a mobil device
….and so I think over and over about the day’s details for possible missed clues and when I have exhausted these thoughts of any possible enlightenment
defeated, I think about the larger picture ….of my life
….and to say ‘larger picture’ seems like an extreme exaggeration
So in this dim darkness going inward, I ask myself those tough questions —those reflecting upon life questions but then, really that is nothing new so I think suddenly …..no, none of those questions ever tell me anything and in the event I am out of time because of whatever fate awaits me when the truck stops …. what is it that I think really really matters in life and in the world ….. and thoughts arrive with a most simple answer ….love….and so I think of my daughter
And in the dimness of the truck interior I look out into the shadows. And I think, why am I so far away from her? Even as I know why; these years….
and it seems as if I feel like how I used to imagine it felt to be the lady the magician saws apart ….
like I feel I am all apart; all in pieces ….not whole
and…. I think of love ….that other kind of love ….and it seems it has taken me all my life to arrive at the obvious conclusion to what really really matters ….and what I have somehow never allowed myself …. but somehow, it seems I cannot let myself put it off anymore because it occurs to me at this very moment …. how desperately I need it ….god willing it is not too late
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