identity and sex e.d.

 

I don’t understand why I should feel like this…. everything is falling down like cards; false faces everywhere ….they turn pixel on me…. all of them

I wonder if my blood is real ….is there any left and what does it really say about who I am ….

then the terror or post apocalyptic life isn’t fertile ground to grow and 

I am in the mist of this sense of being desperately deplete and grip for distraction taping into my saved google notes which labels me

“demisexual”

it is a term …. as though it is a neurosis horrifies me and then

“demiromantic” hitched on ….

my sexual identity confusion is, I never could relate to other women. I never could follow their conversation. I never felt like one of them. They talk about such shallow things all day, it puts my brain to putty to be around them.

It is more complicated but this begins some of my struggle to find who I am because if I can’t relate to my own gender then how can I be one of them?

I find males attractive but only if they do not look anything like the men who warped me and are not too masculine and have a sensitivity or femininity but they cannot be women either because of what my sister did to me—I can never be sexually attracted to a woman …. but they are always attracted to me because they say I am the boyfriend they always wanted — they are disgusting 

I am feminine, yes—but with a masculine mind; but only intellectually, not as far as progenitive; I’d never want their anatomy but I like to borrow it when I’m in the mood and ….if they actually really connect to me, otherwise I am too bored to care. I find these men who have stalked me are vile animals. I am tits and cunt to them but I don’t see this when I look at myself ….yet when I have sex it is clearly the other who is the man and I am glad of my gender at that moment ….but I am not a pussy; I am not a cunt; I will not be reduced to this if you get me in bed and many have tried but not one fit me right because they never measured up

I don’t need a man to tell me I’m this or that but I would love one who could know how to be my friend and my lover at the same time