“Did anyone see you get out of the postal vehicle?” Stina asks me from the front seat, in her usual no-nonsense tone that always gets my back up
“I don’t think so, Willem pulled up beside a dumpster and —you know, I was….careful. I’m not an idiot,” the last part I say defensively
“Good. You seem to be a natural at this.”
I never know with her if she really means anything she says. But I am so lost in my brooding thoughts of ….well; is it anger —or pain?
I think about getting lost somewhere where no one will ever find me. Just ghosting everyone and everything ….as if I could but still…. I think about it…. and I’ve done it before
even as the things you run away from still haunt at you, pressing the eject button that gets you out the emergency exit is very freeing
I like feeling free. The illusion of freedom is so thrilling to me; no strings, no one to check in with, no one who would notice that you are alive or dead
just go. because people and myself are not natural companions and only because I forget not to trust; I start to believe them…. and nobody ever tells the truth ….wrap you in and I suppose part of it must be the challenge of whether or not they can crack you like a safe; conquer you….
it isn’t that I don’t believe in love.
so what do I believe in?
“What if I told you I know a doctor who is working on DNA memory theory and is actually in the area?” Stina suddenly says
“What?” I sit up right and for the moment forget my brooding
“Yes. She’s got her own practice as a psychiatrist but she has devoted years of work researching this very subject. Her name is Dr. Rachel Evans. Her practice is in Chesterton,” Stina goes on to say in a strangely friendly tone
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I know this is a subject that interests you. You’ve written about this, haven’t you?”
“Great, so you are reading my blog now—I can’t imagine why unless you want something from me.”
“Are you interested in talking with this person?” Stina asks me
“In exchange for what?” I ask, “because I thought originally you just wanted me to spy on Jörn and ….well, you know more about his whereabouts these days than I do.”
“So—in exchange ….I would like you to find out more about Sunny.”
“Sunny?”
“Yes. We have suspicions he is not as retired as he pretends to be—possible links with not just what happened on January 6 but possible covert operations to undermine more than one country’s government dealings….”
I think even if she said he was a little green man I would be too numb to care
I don’t answer and lean my head against the window
I feel so trapped. So isolated and stranded. But mostly so sick of believing people who deceive me
“Dr. Evans is expecting your call,” Stina tells me, “she also happened to be a part of a recent excavation in an area in Great Britain known as Powys.”
I see her look at me in the rear view mirror
I think about ….how there really is not that much to excite me or challenge me lately
“So what do you want me to do?”
“Just—pay attention to who he meets with, who comes by. I want you to just watch for things. And check in with me once a week.”
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