it is with the sunshine breaking through a crack from the window fabric, batik in shades of henna and terra-cotta
before I thought I heard music and then it is warm like sunshine
“It could not have been the mail, by the way, that you caught it from,” he says against my ear
“What do you mean—have you been reading my blog again?” I ask but am still half asleep
“The virus won’t live without a host that long,” he says
I realize now he’s forgotten I’m in quarantine
“What are you doing in here?” I ask suddenly awake, moving away, sadly, as it was warm
I look at him
it’s been awhile I’ve seen him .... actually
like having gone through a monsoon and then sucked inside a whirlpool
wtf was that ....how did I live through it ....as I don’t really remember much of the last two weeks except by some scary posts I wrote I found to document .... passages of time I guess
is that why I do it?
.... that is an epiphany ..... actually .... I never realized that
because —that’s what started the legend (note to Celf)
.... well, anyway, i was at times conscious I guess ....
“The tests came when you were dead to the world —“
“How’d you get a test? I thought there were no tests available?” I interrupt
Jörn just gives me a look not bothering to answer that
“Oh..... yeah....” I say
“We both came up positive,” he says and I realize he looks a bit rough, “I didn’t get it as bad as you but by the time I realized I already had it you were out of it so I left you alone ....”
“I was concerned because—“ I stop and study him, “you know, men get it worse it says .... and your mother told me about that thing that happened to you once.”
“The thing?” he asks me leaning back against the headboard
“Some serious infection you had,” I say
“When did she tell you that?” his expression is stunned
“At the airport that day,” I tell him
Only now do I notice his appearance because more light filters in; his eyes seem full of stress I notice most
“So we are not contagious?” I ask him
He shakes his head,
“you mean to each other, no—“ he pauses as I move back to how I was before I moved away from him, “what else did she tell you about me?” he asks me
“Oh—something about some ggir— gone—long gong—past ....thing in your life.... I don’t remember,” I say
“You do remember,” he says this against the back of my head as if reading my mind “When did you have so much time to talk? I didn’t even think you much cared to chat with her,” he says
“I did tell you that day but, never mind— Jörn, you know, there was something that I meant to ask you before....” but I stop to think and get lost for a moment .... it seems to happen since I got sick, I forget what I was just thinking
—so, instead I say,
“you said the safe went back to your country....”
“With the table,” he adds
“So, was that official government?” I ask as I am still trying to work it all out .... I can’t see his face but I try to turn
I hear his heavy sigh,
“duva....”
“I know you said you don’t want me to get involved but I am involved so —or don’t you see that?” I ask
“All right.... that’s fair.... “ but he is quiet as he thinks about what to say and he nervously rotates his fingertips up and down my arm as he thinks with an occasional tap like he is still playing his music
“Hmmm....” he says decisively .... but still nothing follows
I pull away and face him to look directly at him and notice his guilty expression
“I suppose you can say they were not pleased with some of my initiative about .... my investigation about you— no, that’s not true —it’s not about you. Well.... “ he stops and seems unsure how to proceed
“Jörn— wait, I just .... when did it change for you?”
“When did what change?” he asks
“You told me that when you first got involved with me it began because of your work but then it changed. When did it change?”
“Well.... when do you think?”
I shake my head and look away as I think
Suddenly he says,
“it was when you signed for the package that day!”
“What?— oh! ....” I say —realizing he means how we caught the virus— I remember the delivery now but I say,“but I washed my hands when I came in with the package, remember?”
“Did you touch your glasses before you did that?” he asks
“Oh....” and I think about this now with horror because I don’t know .... as it’s something I don’t realize I do
this has me stumped and I almost forget our previous conversation until he says,
“I was not working directly on government business in relation to my country when I was involved in a case that lead me to you because what I do works outside of official government. You have to understand that it is convenient for other countries to have free agents like me—“
“Is that what people like you are called? Free agents?”
“We’re called many things,” he sighs again and now I feel bad for cross examining him as he seems tired
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to grill you,” I tell him
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he says
“to be honest, I am afraid of getting it again, you know? .... that was —not something I’d ever care to repeat.... but I’m also afraid —what if this is a wave of new catastrophes of killer viral diseases? You know, not to panic but, I keep thinking about this,” I admit, “although, on the plus side, it is a good excuse to avoid the neighbors.”
“Are you sure you’re not Swedish?” he asks me
“What do you mean?—oh! I remember what I wanted to ask you .... what about — your army— I mean your ‘body guards’ who work for you?”
“What about them?”
“So— how do you pay them if they don’t work for the government?” I ask
Only now does he smile and it is a kind of sly and almost wicked smile
“What? Jörn!” I ask this as it is obvious he is excessively pleased with himself by his smile —no, more it’s a grin—like a Lewis Carol Cheshire Cat grin and it seems he is unable to hold in the laugh —and finally he laughs
so I sit back and wait for him to get over himself
it is awhile
he then asks,
“how do you think I make most of my money?”
“No idea.”
“I’m good at puzzles, duva, you know that. I’m actually the best ,” he says this as if it is a statement
“Well, you did say that you are a safe cracker and I know from experience you take every opportunity to picks locks.... especially if I feel like being alone—“
“I’m a hacker, duva! — and I get paid for it —the best in the world—I’m the guy they go to when shit happens ....but i am also a widely kept secret,” he pauses to study my face and then shrugs,
“so, I charge a lot because I am the best— and this is why and how I require and acquired my own army— you had it right the first time, duva.”
