When we return inside and start to head down the darkened hallway that goes past the bedrooms in a row and then pass the public area I realize that Andreas is walking towards Ethan’s study —the one that has now become repossessed and maybe it is the lighting, the dark shadows on the wall of the hallway and the strange amber colored light from some glowing sign off a building outside —but
I get this feeling
like a chill.... and it shudders through me, it runs up and down all of me and through my extremities as I feel my face become flushed
I catch my breath and stumble
“Are you all right?” Andreas turns to me
“Yes, just dizzy,” I say and lean against the wall .... it was a sudden feeling .... a strange emotion
out of relation to now
yet I feel it with all of my being and I don’t understand it. I remember this exact feeling that I feel about Jörn ....remember? —remember....I remember this
I force myself to not give into hyperventilating as I feel it squeeze my lungs impulsively because of the image of his face in my memory ....it was such a long time ago it; such a long life time ago with the shadows just this way. The fire.... the forge .... the fear of him and the glow of the silver crescent moon that he held that belonged not to that girl —it was the mother’s
It is not unusual to get sudden flashes of ....the pirate and the life that was that girl’s as it continues sometimes during sleep or in a moment caught in a day dream —they exist in parallel and have since I have slept each night beside Jörn and seem to live.... on ....their own life; simultaneous with now
as I have always been a spiritual person anyway these things are not so strange to me as things I have come to know and have known but — I keep much of this to myself from here; I avoid this in the legend because well, it is strange to speak of
I only mention it now because —it seems .... there is something to it ....and I realize once again as I have since I first met Jörn that.... there is something between us .... something that goes beyond what I understand
but I realize there must also be a reason why Gerald keeps having visions because ....
but no, I don’t get to think past this thought as the study door opens
Several men and two women all walk out together; all in business attire and all speaking Swedish
As they leave the study in the group they only give me a perfunctory glance and head out to the penthouse elevator with Jörn but he stops beside me and puts his hand on my arm,
“wait for me here....” he says against my ear and goes
I watch him walk with them ....and stare for a long moment. I notice how intimidating he is in a business suit —the tailored cut outlines all his angles to his best advantage, the dark glossy blueish gray color that reflects off his eyes
“So are you officially seeing Madison?” I ask Andreas and we go inside the study
He smiles, and puts away his phone,
“I’m spending the weekend at her place.”
I smile at him and then look around at the debris of cups and glasses from the meeting, “....well, have a good weekend,” I say and start to collect the mess to bring it to the penthouse kitchen
“Here, let me,” and he helps me to the kitchen before he goes
It does not take long to wash up as I notice the new dishwasher Ilya recently had installed —and— this jogs a thought ....
like..... how I first came to be contacted about the Ethan estate and.... so soon after Nigel and I ended and why .... ? and after all these years
and .... I think too.... yet look how comfortable Jörn has eased himself into the lair
and .... I have begun to realize ....these all seem to add up to something
you know—I always found it odd how Joanie and Johnny contacted me from out of nowhere —and because of the timing ....because at the time I had nowhere else to go .... and I had no time to give it more thought which I should have done .... I guess.... right?
because soon after was when I met Jörn....
this is when I notice Andreas has left the roach on the kitchen counter —I don’t suppose Ilya would much appreciate that to start her Monday morning so I decide to leave it outside on the roof somewhere
Jörn texts me
Not long after his text I go back in and go through; pass that strange amber colored glow and to the study but I hear voices so I stop outside the door and knock
No it is only Jörn’s voice, and realize he’s on a phone call
“kom in!” he shouts from inside through the door
When I go in I hear him speaking to someone with a note of anger and nearly shouting and he pulls loose his tie in aggravation
it is a nice tie, I notice, as I walk over to him. I like the colors on him, like a sunset of indigos and lavender and the design is unusual
“Hanna!” he shouts and goes off with a firing squad of words that crash over my head but clearly he’s angry and it has something to do with krona and Erik
I wonder if I should leave ....?
I start to go for the door but he stops me by standing in front of it and now he starts to speak in English to her —what? for my benefit ....?
“I don’t understand how you make so much money on a shoot and now you need how much? And the answer to whether Erik can stay at the penthouse is ‘no’!”
“Wait—“ I look at him and pull his sleeve, “why are you telling her that?”
He narrows his eyes at me which turn deadly that way with all that ice and steel as he says, covering the speaker part,
“she wants him to move in here, that’s not happening, duva!”
“I can hear you,” Hanna says from his phone
He presses the mute button, and before he speaks I say,
“you do realize that if you tell her ‘no’ she will find another way to do it and you won’t like it,” I point out
“What do you mean?” he asks me
“At least here you can watch her,” I say
Hanna keeps shouting “hello?”
I take his phone and tap the button,
“Hanna?”
“Duvan!—can you talk to him?” she asks me
“When are you coming?” I ask her
“As .... soon as my dad .... can wire us money for the flight,” she says
Which he hears
His expression is kind of sarcastic as he looks at me. It makes me laugh. Inappropriately. And maybe I laugh much too hard and it would have been a good idea to stop I guess
But he says,
“you’re right,” after he puts down the phone afterwards, “despite your Jimmy Hendricks haze,” he says and goes to the window to look down at the street and undoes the knot of the tie, “they live their own lives, don’t they? Since the day they are born we teach them how to live on their own but when they actually go to do it, it is a shock when you realize .... as parents we soon won’t matter because they must have their own life —and we must as well....”
And the haze ... aside, this makes me think about that New York Times article and I say,
“psychology .... the study of human behavior .... Now pathology ....do you know about that?” and we stare at each other
After a long silence he sighs heavily and walks around to stand in front of the desk. Then leans with his arms folded
“So who were those people? And why the tie?”I ask bored with waiting for him to start
“They’re....” he stops and shrugs out of his jacket and walks over to me, “the tie—I had to go to the Swedish consulate— things are .... getting sticky —you are right, you are in danger —“
“Oh, now you say, but back in August—“
“Well, it’s the safe, somehow it seems it has come out it exists and just a second I just remembered I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you say you recognized someone there—at Lincoln Center?”
“Oh my god.... “ I say now because being here now.... I suddenly remember, “I know where I know him from —the one who came —here— that time! Remember? It was way back— when was that? This summer.... yes, it was.... That time we were doing the museum night ....I told you there was a man who—“
“Yes—you did! I forgot about that—what did he look like?”
“Dark hair —thirties ..... nerdy ....”
Jörn goes to his computer and opens up a file then with one finger waves at me to come look
He has a picture of someone which ....
“Yes— that’s him but his hair is short now,” I say
He reaches for his phone and taps a message and puts down his phone
“So the safe and the table are on their way to Sweden right now,” he tells me and clears his throat, “that’s what those people were here for.... “
“Do you work for them?” I ask
He smiles ironically,
“they would like that....”
“Do you?”
“No. They are a secret branch of .... well, you don’t need to know but —with all the possible connections to what is in the safe.... names .... strategies .... it’s come up on the radar and it has been decided those two things should not be on this side of the Atlantic —especially right now as it is a US presidential campaign year ....” now shrewdly he looks at me, turning cold eyes to me, “and you think I’m ready to sell you off to the highest bidder....Do you wonder why I’m with you, duva? Do you think that’s all it has been about?” Jörn asks me
I look at him but don’t answer. I just look at him
“You think it’s because of the code? Do you really think that is why?”
I don’t answer right away. He is making me nervous. There is something about him at times that terrifies me,
“Well.... why would you be photographing a total stranger.... even before we ever met?”
Jörn thinks about that and nods and then walks back over to the window to look out as he thinks. And because it such a long silence I decide to sit down ....and stare at designs in the carpet for quite a long time
“You really don’t .... “ he says more like a whisper to himself
“What?” I ask and deeply regret not tossing that roach when I meant to. Of all times this would be the worst moment to not be able to think clearly
“You really don’t trust me,” he says this so strangely and then turns around and looks at me then walks over to me, “stand up,” he says
“Why?”
He pulls me up,
“take off your coat,” but he does it for me and tosses it, “Take off your shirt and your bra,” he says and pulls me in front of him and starts to pull my shirt off
“What are you doing?” I pull back but he turns me back and does it himself
He unbuttons his shirt and puts his shirt on me,
“come here....” he says and brings me over to the mirror by the Art Deco bar and stands behind me in the mirror and takes his tie to put around my neck, under the collar of his shirt
and it could be the purple haze, it is hard to say exactly what I find myself thinking —overwhelmed by him, staring at our reflection in Ethan’s Art Deco mirror .... as he does a Windsor knot on me leaving most of the buttons open .... and then he moves hands under his shirt to touch me and runs his hands down the front of me to tease me and bends his head to me to say something into my ear that makes me shudder.... but I don’t know his words but his meaning seems clear
but then he goes back to the desk and then comes back to me,
“do you know what this is?” he holds something up that looks like a narrow pointy tool
“No.”
“It’s a key,” he says. “Do you know what keys do?”
“Open locks,” I say and find that I wonder what it is —that compels me because even as I feel overwhelmed I can’t seem to move away from him —and I don’t seem to ....want to
“For this,” he says and then without warning —puts me in handcuffs, “boundaries, duva!.... trust and boundaries,” he stares at me in that fierce way
“Please, Jörn, what are doing? You are starting to scare me,” I tell him
he takes the key and undoes one cuff but then he puts it on himself so that we are cuffed together
“Does —this— scare you?” he asks against my ear
“Yes,” I say
“We’re even, though,” he says
“No, you’re bigger,” I say
He undoes the cuff from me and walks away from me. He walks across the room swinging the wrist still cuffed like a bracelet so that it jingles when he walks and then he walks back over to me
He takes his belt off and looks at me
“That’s not fair ....” I say
but he smiles in such a twisted way
“Come here,” he says
“No,” I say as I watch him fold it in half and crack it but he reaches for me and pulls me back to the desk where the key is. Then picks up the key and tosses it across the room, then cuffs his other wrist
He looks at me,
“are you still scared?”
“Jörn....what does this prove?”
“Who would you say is in control now?” he asks
So I just look at him
He shrugs
“Do you want me to get the key?” I ask and start to go but he catches me within the loop of his arms and pushes me up against the desk standing behind me, putting his hands against my lower abdomen and leans pressing himself to the back of me
“Who is in control now?” he asks me against my ear and puts his mouth along my neck to bite and then kiss my skin but I don’t answer him, “do you want me to stop?” he asks me but then moves against me and uses his fingers to unbutton my jeans and he asks the question again but I don’t answer, then he asks with a whisper into my ear, “do you trust me?”
but I say,
“no.”
only it is awhile that I don’t move. quite awhile
and I could if ....I wanted to and it is this way that he says to me,
“yes at first I studied you for my work .... but then it became more .... “ only the last word is almost lost on me because of something that at that moment he does
