Safety in obscurity
“I won’t come out, you must come in. To me. Into my womb-garden where I peer out. Where I can construct a universe within the skull, to rival the real.”—Jim Morrison
I sneak away to the penthouse roof to get some air.... I get drizzled on
it seems the rain will never stop
it has been for days
And yet, no mention of lightening and thunderstorms were reported in New York —
which is quite strange considering what happened at the theatre when we lost power
.... and so his family don’t notice when I leave and go through the passage to the penthouse where I walk around the hallways in the dark at first. Watch the lights come from outside, from a city that never sleeps .... wander the halls
It also seems Jörn’s family never gets tired, even after an evening of endless speeches and Jörn’s musical debut of his piece which everyone took a part of. I think the excitement will keep them up until the sun rises
I never noticed the penthouse had a patio — because it is actually more than a rooftop....
.... so I look around
because it has been winter for so long and then the rain
Ilya had mentioned something about the snow people who come to haul away snow when too much covers the outdoor area. It seemed like such an extravagant and preposterous notion....
how do they get it from the top floor roof of the penthouse to downstairs? And where do they take the piles of snow before it all melts?
So I picture a man in a dump truck swimming in the driver’s seat as he waits at a red light
I am still barefoot but at least now wearing jeans and a t-shirt instead of the see-through shower curtain at the performance.... it has begun to occur to me that the candles probably exposed even more of me by their glow and shadows than had the spotlights been working....
at least my face was obscured in the dark and hopefully well hidden so that I could claim it could have been anyone;
anonymous
It was this thought that made me need to remove from them and other worries connected to what happened before
The “patio” —it turns out—is the entire roof top....I wonder if it has a pool when I discover something that looks like a sauna
I open the door and go in. Yes it is a sauna. It still has the sweet scent of the wood and something comfortable to recline on;
which I do.... because i want to clear my head and
there is something to be said for looking out a sauna door to the Manhattan skyline from up here .... as wet breezes blow rain in like sharp needles
I decide, laying here, that I want to make the entire roof my gym
even as I know it is unlikely that anyone would agree with me but .... maybe they won’t notice
maybe a yoga garden
Should I be thinking about the death threat?
Only I have and —constantly since it happened. Frantically
I don’t understand how Jörn can be so blasé about my death threat
eclipsed by his opera
I don’t think I am angry at him for that but —maybe I am
and how do I feel about that.... that he’s narcissistic?
And how do I feel about that? Do I dare analyze him? Dissect his personality flaws
How much do I really know about him? Yes, at moments I feel like I know him better than myself but then he.... does something that reminds me that in many ways we are still total strangers. How much do I really know him?
And I wonder if I should be scared of him, how much like the smeden is he? I have thought about the dream of him with Elan’s mother; when he killed her—how the dream was not seen from her eyes, how it was strangely set in a kind of shadow and seemed different than the other dreams almost like it was not my own
like it was somebody else’s dream
It makes me think and wonder that the mystery surrounding Jörn .... should be something I should factor in the whole because I do sense he is not telling me things.... many things
I think I search for ghost wisdom and tempt any spirits who would dare to have a conversation with me tonight
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