of ships & apocalyptic times Noir Vampires we are

I find I get lost in a room within. 

    I do not know for how long it seems I have been wandering; like a droughted sponge that is never past parched no matter if it swims under a waterfall 

  it still comes up thirsty ….this need 

is

        to wish to wash clear; tabula rosa ….power wash away all nebulous dust and mist then wind swept off all dew

    It would not be right to walk into some new ….scene ….where all previous ones were all the mistakes —to not at first really clear out all the bugs squashed dead in the corner crevices where thoughts decay. 

Days to myself in private solitude and keep counsel only to myself 

Do I trust myself …. I must prove that I can ….i find —like going down allegorical corridors and opening up doors; the catacombs ….the dungeons of thoughts; Jörn’s dungeon ….it is a good place to go. It is fail proof. No one can get in. This is where I go. A room in my mind. 

Before I want to trust anyone or believe the Folkmoot story, I need to wrap within this cocoon built within of iron stronger than anything in the universe. Like a sleeping vampire. To go within a crypt ….only once there through scrying dialogues which deliver me to a cleared path ….

can I face either the revival venom of a vampire’s breath or the serenity of being reconciled to the devoutness of my personal truths and alas know it is more than any material wealth 

I get lost here in this room with my back turned away from the monitors 

Do I think of life ? life’s meaning ….. time ….wasted time; years wasted ….but they never are really wasted —that is the riddle ….

I do not wish to step out there from my temple until I appreciate every scab and scar and also too, every happy and quiet personal moment ….when I forgot to feel guilty for being lazy….when the automatic scheduled demands are gone —there….her; that one….that is ….the one to step out again for nothing less than my own long lost Andreas and Hanna from my long lost life 

I stay in the dungeons a long while to think, far from the madness of this crowded world 

I don’t choose to let down the portcullis and consider a walk through the catacombs humming Jim Morrison’s Soft Parade but thinking of his Crystal Ship

https://youtu.be/4YWPhmduSDQ?is=6nl5xrTMND9OHw6w

the path upon the grounded Celf

emotionally dangerous people are the ones that intentionally destabilize you

the people of whom destabilize you are emotionally dangerous to you 

harmful ….

       with those, we take on lessons we do not need at all 

   we do not need the derailing that takes you so far off your true path 

    it is best to be the friend you need to yourself 

it is best to keep upon your road to the center of the Celf 

  to know your truest north within 

    ….tune out the rest 

     take me as I am ….your inner self knows ….i take me as I am —just focus within; they do not matter to your path….their opinions weigh little to the Celf 

your mantra: I do not need emotionally dangerous people who suck you in at first with generous kindness then work to destabilize you by making you believe that you need them more than your truest Celf 

https://youtu.be/lf6vCjtaV1k?is=0rO-ejN3aEtsqE_A

   don’t fall on me

https://youtu.be/NtBwVWWa3Ss?si=o1GVpWMR4Y9NXc6n

kryptonite 

https://youtu.be/UKoCj_xU8L0?si=wSq7guiS4aURSaDl

superman

https://youtu.be/x_Wz1DRuPJo?si=xdeLbse-VL-NHHSc

chrysalis again

lately I feel myself going unexpectedly purple 

Vampire ScandiNoir/Smorgas: en bättre mors dag imorgon

 

“So my question to you is—why all of this? Why now? Is it the biological timeline narrowing in or—I don’t know…. Out of nowhere you pop back in when things were—“

“—when things were—what? Going so well for you?” Jörn asks me with a kind of repressed scorn I don’t quite understand 

I shake my head and squeeze shut my eyes to turn my thoughts inwards and away from his xrayeyes. 

I think about what was my life like lately before …. before —yeah, before he waltzed back in again 

“Think about that,” Jörn says 

as I realize he assumes the conversation continues — with or without and vocals unnecessary 

“To be honest, it was painful watching your life continually spin out —and don’t look at me thst way, duva—it wasn’t just me who couldn’t stand to watch, I told you about our meddling offspring who have usually been the impetus to force the hand—usually mine—and right under your nose and you never realized it,” he says all this in one breath 

And I am the one left breathless 

“Okayyyy…..” I say trying to pull out of that what I can 

“Let’s see—there was the evangelist theologist when you were twenty, then the renegade boyfriend throughout your twenties, then there was ex husband one, ex husband two who was really the rebound of the artist best friend —sorry am I forgetting someone? Oh yes, Bran—you know I am not sure who has walked more all over you….why now? Because it’s too much ….we can’t watch you do this any longer—call it intervention —a rescue mission —but the dreams we’re catching up with you again —“

“Not true! I’ve not dreamed in months!”

“You don’t remember them—and do you know why—?”

But the neurons in my head seem to —at first scramble me—until they halt me and ….pause my train of thought. 

I stop all thought. Just think. And some of what he said sinks in. 

After a long moment I look at him. I raise my eyes to his. I don’t say anything. I just look at him. 

Finally he says,

“you have no allies in that life, duva—this one, and …. No one but you holding down your own fort. Nobody defends you, no one is looking out for you, everyone just stabs you in the back including this life’s daughter—she’s your biggest traitor, they all were! And I can’t watch this as they all take advantage of your generosity and kindness as they use you—I mean, duva— if I really believed you were better off with all of us leaving you to your present life I would but none of us feel—even Andreas, and you know he is the diplomat of us—usually it’s Hanna ready to go in with twin guns firing but, do you know what this is? Even you have stopped defending yourself and you don’t even see it but—this I believe —no, I know, it’s because somewhere deep within you you cannot forgive yourself for —“

“—the curse,” I say because it does make sense 

why I never felt I deserved …. happiness 

I look at Jörn and search within the ice of kryptonite 

“It’s always been that,” Jörn whispers this as I watch the shards of ice dissolve in streams down his face and like a projection his mental images filled my mind 

If a picture can say a thousand words then whatever I saw within those shards’ depths seemed to clarify some of the elusive doubts behind Jörn’s motives. All doubts evaporated instantly 

“Where are Andreas and Hanna? I’d really like to see them,” I whisper this getting up and walking towards the window 

“They have been waiting  ….for you to remember and —to hear you say this….”