Integrating the dictionary/Electra’s dictionary

I have not thought of the day I had to call 911 emergency 

    he’d had his hands around my throat in a rage and I was terrified —the weeks of his lows were exhausting ….Chris…. he couldn’t face it —and I had to stop carrying him because he was killing me —the people arrived …..the drama out on our street. Everyone saw. I went with him. I slept there the week on the floor 

As empaths we absorb so much of others emotions when we feel them 

we take it on— it isn’t a choice but a burden or gift yet not something one turns off 

Unless induced and I guess that is why the need for escapism was ever the choice 

The crumbs I left behind ….it’s a riddle that nobody has ever solved 

but I’ve left all my clues in the legend 

After the years —looking back…. I couldn’t have escaped my husband without their intervention ….the doctors ….the forced treatment —to get him out of my head; he was a sickness and I was trapped in his bipolar cycles always ….the angel of mercy ….but nobody is for me —

but then there is Jörn 

Electra writes; dear electra/Electra’s dictionary

Tonight I feel like Cathy having lost her soul and wandering blindly through the mists 

it feels sometimes as if he has sucked out the whole soul of me ….not just an emotional vampire then ….he has become so much a part of me even with the interruptions of what tends to happen with us 

I am exhausted ….I do not know where I end and he begins and I never noticed it happen; the integration was ….so subtle ….he wove into my worlds and into my thoughts 

He says to me,

“How can I be emotionally dangerous to you when I have watched far worse with the way you’ve let Bran walk all over you!”

It was like he spat it at me. 

It stunned me. 

It made me think ….if he can infiltrate minds—but feel what they feel too …. How long has he been empath-ing me with his Dracula powers? 

While it violates the very meaning of privacy—of the mind ….to know he has invaded mine for so long….how much of my secrets does he know…. 

Yet he stands there looking at me in that way ….like it isn’t me —but it is me….they are things that happened to me —I know their references and their impacts on my timeline 

How does he know how Bran —?

….how dare he! ….how could he? 

Only ….he has searched 

     centuries ….? 

Searched centuries …. Only to find someone you’ve been looking for through lifetimes but —he never dies ….it is forever for him to wait but then to know it is fleeting anyway 

What do you say ….how to amend …. how to insinuate yourself into a stranger’s life that ….you knew when she lived as someone else ….

I wonder it must be hard to watch me live my life and ….he could never come near me —to say who he is ….

so I think of this too only now once the rage is now spent out of me 

But how do you lay this on a person who’s mortal and expect instant —instant what exactly ….what is his end game plan in this anyway ….somehow I don’t think there is one for him exactly 

Electra’s dictionary/legends are given by permission

It is like we are suspended 

     in some separate reality …. that is not the world —or not Earth 

The frozen sky and the northern hemisphere cloaked in their own frozen reality and separate piece…. but these mountains may be physical for the barriers they serve but beyond that, they do not contain me

I have been somewhere else. Far away. Somewhere far far away 

It is awhile until I realize I am awake. I seem to have been watching the sky from the angle of my head as my vision is turned to the window. Watching a sky. A sky I don’t see. So where am I looking? Where am I?

“The hardest part ….” I suddenly hear Jörn say, along with the sound of his motion of him as he reaches to draw back a ringlock of my hair as it covers my face, “was watching your pain in this life,” he says now 

But I am still staring at the cold gray sky outside the glass of the window; his words don’t fully register 

I shut my eyes ….how long has he been there?  I feel him in my head ….and the warmth of him next to me

“Finding out how you grew up, about your abuse at home,” he whispers this into my ear and moves his hand to rest on the other side of me so his arm is draped across my waist—but I try and resist this, and push against his too familiar half embrace and turn my back to him. I turn my face into the mattress and cover my ears with my hands 

I don’t want to hear this. His sympathy? About something I never think about? How dare he! What an insult 

“I have to tell you,” he says taking hold of me and turning me round 

“I don’t want to hear this!” I look right at him

“I have to tell you!” he shouts at me

“Why?!” I shout back

“Because somebody should!”

But he’s only made me angry,

“nice wake up—and why is it only when it’s scheduled by you that the timing is always right to invade me? I certainly have a million questions but one of them is not should I give you cart blanche to my emotions. You are emotionally dangerous to me, and you have no rights to my thoughts unless I give you permission and you need to earn that first!”

I shout all this in one long tirade, sitting up and then leaping off the bed

But when I’m done the outcry leaves me dizzy ….I sit down at the foot of the bed 

I slowly look at him,

“how young was I before you realized who Elan was in this life?”

“I told you —we—I ….didnt put a face to it—you—until that case of Willem’s”

“Wasn’t that a bullshit story? How does Willem actually fit into all this —‘cause….you said it was your first case together, wasn’t that the story you told me?”

Jörn clears his throat. He walks to the window on the other side of the room and looks out. After awhile he lets out a heavy sigh 

“There’s no way to explain without telling you the whole story and ….I’m not sure you’re ready for all of it,” he looks at me from across the room 

After awhile he paces across the room, first to the door and then to the closet and then back to the window he started at. He does this a few times. 

 

views from the mountain 

Electra’s dictionary; living/time

I think about Elan and the connection to that her in me. The feel of the motion in my hips when I am walking ….it is like that horizon has never left me…. I am always chasing it ….searching for it ….trying to find my way back to it 

And outside it is ….

Yet another snow storm and I am lost in my thoughts. 

I pace the rooms all day and forget to eat ….reading the same sentence in a Room With a View 600 times …. 

Because I try to be centered—find the normal within ….within this mad mad world ….it just gets wackier out there so whatever ….the Chi inside is mine to claim 

Jörn has left me space 

    ….the times in the night he visits me when I’m sleeping I think are dreams as it is happening ….he does this on purpose ….you see? it is the elephant in the room I’m pretending isn’t there ….by hiding myself away upstairs as he does —Dracula things? whatever he does ….what does he do? hunts….? 

But it is clearly a gift he has honed. I just never realized how good at it he is. It’s a mental thing but it’s not because he can do it even if I’m asleep. He enters my dreams. I don’t really think it’s ethical. This is what makes me kind of annoyed with him 

but ….like I say, he is very good at what he does ….and I also think a part of it is something far deeper —it is as though he is waking her up —no….he is waking up that part that was her within me that I forgot and —how can I be angry at him if ….he is trying to find me again as Elan —while selfish perhaps, it seems almost the opposite; a shocking deeper level of ….

This is why I choose time to myself ….we have not even spoken beyond a perfunctory and polite Goodmorning over coffee and, pass the lingonberry jam which could be any time of day…. it’s a blur lately, the intensity of the impact I continue to reel in ….

And if I were to be frank with myself, would I truthfully say I never suspected he was a vampire? I totally blindsided myself 

It was that whole ….emotion ….he gave me —I felt a knowing of him ….of him from another level of me —and I ached for him —it was immediate ….that wasn’t his Dracula magic; it was the surprise moment the first time I ever saw him but I pretended it wasn’t there. But I knew it was. There was a pull. It was as if a powerful magnet was drawing me before I even looked up, but he wasn’t yet looking at me ….before we got into the elevator —the day with Gerald, we were talking on the way heading by the mailboxes in the lobby ….he had the cello and was turned toward the street still as he came in through the apartment building’s glass doors 

What was it? It was something so familiar —the silhouette of him—it was the way he carried himself ….the cello case ….the set of his Viking shoulders and the glint of gold in his hair as the sun caught it in its light ….that was what it was; like stupefied for a moment —and if I were to consider this now, I guess ….there was the sense, how could that be? But no—as if—Elan thought it

how could that —him ….still be?

Time after time; Electra’s dictionary noir, jm chron

I type into my phone as thoughts wander, and still skirt the Dracula subject —I’m not quite ready

Time~ among Jörn’s world does really flow differently, it fools with the mind. It is as if the world out there is some outer galactic place 

It is possible I am just quite mad or that is only a symptom of —what Dr. Rothschild had opened my mind to; Dr. Brian Weiss’s best selling book Many Lives Many Masters is a profound journey past the white light

Why do I think of this now? Brian Weiss is a real psychiatrist and he had a patient who he was trying to help get over some serious phobias that were ruling her life. So, it begins with this account and how he used hypnosis to open her mind through unconscious awareness. This was how Dr. Rothschild had suggested to try hypnosis on me 

But what happens under hypnosis is, he asks her to go back to the original source of the phobia—he asks her to try to identify when this phobia began. The shock is her reply. As it turns out she says it was in Greece and during some time BC. Apparently  the woman was not well educated. So when the doctor asked for details of her surroundings or what food she ate or how food is prepared the woman gave a full detailed explanation for how things were prepared with ingredients not at all familiar to her locally, and more still—he asked for many details which he later researched to see if things added up. Being a university of Miami doctor, he had a lot of historical colleges who had access to information supporting what the woman described, Dr. Weis is stunned. Not only did things she said add up, but once out of hypnosis she had no memory of any of this. And he never told her because she was, in this life, a Roman Catholic.

He cured her phobias but she never knew how. And it had to do with a childhood trauma that happened from a previous incarnation. 

The doctor who wrote the book is a doctor of science and he had trouble believing what was happening. He was not a believer in the concept before this occurred. 

He was able to cure her of all her complaints and then he had future patients he regressed to help deal with deep rooted phobias. 

People are so complex—and I think this watching Jörn from the bedroom window shoveling snow…. and it is like I can see him —through Elan’s eyes in moments when my thoughts go unharnessed 

The mind and psyche are not just a brain with cerebral chemicals —it is much more 

And I suppose now as I think of headshrinkers in doctors offices ….their assessments and their labels —those mental tests they make you take when you’re on ‘the radar’ ….my laundry list of diagnosis that is as thick as a text book —and the man in the white coat who runs those tests looks at you like you’re a guinea pig and the somber look as he says, “unfortunately at the top of the list is borderline personality disorder too….tsk—one of the hardest to cure tsk….” Tsk tsk indeed

but as it was my field of study, I was able to combat his remarks calmly and correct his approach  —and pointed out it is just an umbrella term to make their jobs simpler by shoving you into a convenient box, 

but the human mind is far more complicated to be sliced up like everyone is the same, like sushi rolls on a conveyer belt and write in their files in neat bold letters with precision  numbers of what degree of a freak you are and the fun part; their candy box; the head shrinking drugs forced and applied—for their convenience ~borderline personality ‘disorder’ (there were a lot of other nutter names in that file for me, he was so pleased!)just needs to be better understood; that is the ones labeled as such need to be better understood and not forced to uniform to the world’s convenience 

And as I watch Jörn now and feel that other landscape come into my mental view I wonder how Dr. Weiss would assess once considered from Elan’s influences —often you see a tree with long branches that somehow grew around and through the wires of a fence. Experiences force us to bend and adapt and react but maybe other people who make up the ordinary world are not able to grasp the whys and the what’s of behavior so they need neat labels with neat prescribed answers—because for lab coat doctors, it is an abbreviation for having to think critically for themselves. People are not statistics; we’re individuals ….with many pasts

https://youtu.be/9AhoZBK1z50?si=dFHBNe0Xbhk-H8Dl