Electra’s dictionary....

dear dictionary,

I am in danger. And becoming exhausted....I cannot write what but something is happening and I cannot say .... and it is part of the purpose of why I ever began the dictionary.... I m so scared....it is getting in the way of thinking clearly.... I may not write for awhile.... or if I do it will be in code.... it’s part of the past come again. I’m so scared

(JM muse chronicles continue) Electra’s dictionary; or weed be best friends

Because Ilya seems to have taken full control of running the historical aspect connected to the penthouse’s history, I start to consider this as the green light to hit the road, so to speak

I have not stayed anywhere lately longer than one year and before last year it seemed it was every six months; first from Michigan to Oregon then back to Michigan and then New York which had been an impulse decision to move. And the impulse seems to be returning.

Before last year I never imagined I would ever return to New York

after so many years away and

the fermentation of those memories of those initial very bad ....first New York experiences years ago

like Jörn says, I must be used to flight or fight, because my reflex is to take flight at the first sign of danger

It is walking back to where I live when I see someone watching me from across the street and it is not the same kind of watching as how it felt the other time when that kid gave me the death threat. Instead, I somehow realize, he has been following me for a few days 

because I kept noticing him in the crowd but then I shrugged it off

But it has been since the penthouse museum event that Ilya held because.... I start to realize I recognize him from 

He said he was with The Times, I remember now

I don’t know why it never occurred to me till now that ....people might be curious about who I am seeing me there at the penthouse

I should have thought it through better when they started coming for the museum events that Ilya has been running. You know? I should have thought of this

as my name is on the mailbox and only now I realize how slow on the take I am. Obtuse once again.

In fact I realize a few things now in hindsight

He took a picture the day of the event when he visited, it was after the little tour and lecture that Ilya did.... is currently doing, actually. It was her idea because she’s raising money for a charity that is connected to one of his causes so it is a very good idea actually —so it’s an event she is hosting herself which is now being shown by appointment to the public

and I saw this guy .... he was taking notes and kept looking at me and then later, after —when everyone was looking at the historical documents he separated from the group and seemed interested in the large, framed photograph of Ethan Rhys-Jones behind me

and then I realized he was pointing his phone to take a picture of it but.... it seemed to me he was holding his phone at me —with me in his picture

and I realize too .... standing there as it slowly dawns on me.... in the photograph I am standing under of him— that he wore the same style glasses as I wear. As strange as it may seem, I never really noticed this before

and now too I realize as I stand there that I am in the shot he is taking .... with me ? ....standing under the photo

At the time I did have that moment of spider sense. But I didn’t trust it; I told myself to ignore the feeling but.... I got that weird uncomfortable feeling at the back of my neck.

But was I just paranoid?

Like the way he was looking at me and that I was in his shot or.... was it that I don’t generally like strangers taking my picture and so—maybe I really was just being paranoid

I mean....

One would not automatically guess my connection to Ethan Rhys-Jones —as it has been quite a long time since his face was in the papers. He is not exactly relevant now. Yet, all my life people have stared at me ....you know, over the years and they always say,

“you look so familiar....” and then stare too long to the point of discomfort  .... as if.... because.... they would start to suspect I must be someone —or related to someone they should know

When I grew up my mother did everything she could to camouflage me or to play down my awkwardly hard to blend looks and features. Sometimes I think that was partly behind why we moved to the Netherlands; as a way to hide things about us;  this —because as I grew up my unusual, odd, physical features became more obvious. And people had started to ask my mother about my different bone structure and eyes. Both not like either parent. My eyes are a little like my mother’s were but not as much actually and a lot more like.... Ethan Rhys-Jones. Although usually most tend to think I’m Irish which no one in my family were even close to being

—I think because I’m red-headed, mostly and no one else is that either and I remember wondering too about the other ....different and more telling—and very obvious features that —I always got uncomfortable comments about at school. I was different and I stood out uncomfortably

as a kid as I still didn’t know who I was

and one day it was I was looking in the mirror and I said to my mother, “don’t you think I look kind of Cherokee?” 

Of course she was furious and appalled and angrily reminded me of our Russian ancestry. She started tweezing my eye brows when I was thirteen removing the distinctive arch that was a feature hard not to notice —and cut my hair in a way that also distracted the shape of my face.

I don’t touch the shape of my brows anymore, although I still hide my face from years of habit but if anyone does look close enough it is pretty obvious how much I do resemble that man —who had extremely distinctive features. I noticed the resemblance strongly in my daughter too even when she was first born because she looked exactly like him as a baby! Exactly! and as she gets older ....more and more .... last I noticed from a picture her father sent to me

So noticing this now as I am being followed by the guy from the Times.... I get a bad feeling about this

and feeling I must be putting myself ....too much out there

It’s something I think I must avoid. I need my anonymity

I know about how someone can take something like that and run—decide to make a buck off an old scandal and then the next thing that would happen would be they would make me some kind of tabloid flash-in-the-pan story which ....

would be worse than a living nightmare to me. I detest pop media and I detest being stared at

So it must be time to retreat

which I decide as I walk, ducking into the nearest store in hopes of losing the guy

I wait from inside the store looking out across the street

So I stand inside waiting but I see him on his phone and watching the store where I am

It’s a coffee place and the guy behind the counter wants me to buy something —so I ask for coffee

“What kind?” he points to a menu over his head behind him

I shrug,

“Whatever is your favorite.”

“Rocky and Bullwinkle,” he says

“Great,” I hand him my card as it’s not a self serve transaction and wait as I watch the window

I get a text from Jörn:

<Where are you?>

I reply:

<Snookies>

The guy hands me back my card

I see the guy across the street start to cross over and now I begin to panic

Another text:

<?>

Instead I press voice call and he answers

“Where are you?” he asks

but the guy comes in!

I move to the back of the place and hide behind the refrigerated beverages and whisper into the phone

“Snookies!”

“Why are you whispering? Who’s Snookie?”

“No.... it’s the shop down the street.... you know, next to the bodega....”

“What bodega?” he asks

“Jörn! You know the place— you got a cinnamon bun that time.”

“Oh, that helps—what’s wrong, should I come get you?”

“Someone is following me!”

“Ok, don’t move I’ll be there in five minutes—don’t move,” he says.

I discover there is a hidden back part to the place where a few tables are and most of the tables are occupied but I find one in the back corner where I can see out the store front

It is actually about five minutes when I notice the door swing open and see Jörn breathless and sweaty, wearing his jog clothes

I wave at him and he looks around trying to figure out what guy I’m talking about

He comes right over,

“who’s the guy? Which one is it? I can get the van here in five minutes—“

“No no no, don’t Jörn—he’s from museum night!”

He shakes his head at me and draws his brows,

“What are you talking about?”

“The event at the penthouse Ilya did last Tuesday—he’s been following me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” and he moves as if he’s ready to bash the guy’s head in

“He’s with the New York Times!” I say and grab his arms to pull him from doing anything

This stops Jörn’s intent but he still looks like he wants to bash the person’s head

“What is going on, Duva? Why were you whispering into the phone— do you think he’s dangerous?”

“I think he believes he has figured out who I am!”

Jörn suddenly goes completely limp and pulls out a chair to sit down. I realize now how much he’s sweating as it is such a hot day

The coffee guy comes over with the coffee drink. Rocky and Bullwinkle turns out to be an iced mocha with crumpled chunks of truffles,

“here, drink this,” I tell him

“What is it?” he asks me

“Rocky and Bullwinkle.”

He looks at it and then at me,

“Ok— so I just sprinted three blocks because of some journalist from museum night....?”

I decide then to taste the coffee, then look back at him,

“Wow! You know—this is really good!”

There is a moment where he seems not sure if he wants to yell at me or laugh and then .... reaches for Rocky and Bullwinkle

He drinks half of it in a matter of seconds.... sadly.... but I notice at least he seems less annoyed and not as sweaty

“Lets go— why don’t you finish Rocky Stallone—“

“It’s Rocky and Bullwinkle—“

He takes it from me and drinks almost all of it,

“finish it and let’s go—“

“Is he still here?”

He stands up,

“what does he look like?”

“He looks like a hipster,” I tell him, whispering,“green tie and pinstripes.”

So I wait and watch as Jörn walks through. I see him open the door to the refrigerated beverages and grab a water and go up to pay but as he does this I see the guy— who looks right at him. Jörn says something to him and I see the guy look back at him awkwardly. And then go white as a sheet. After Jörn gets his change the hipster journalist leaves suddenly and Jörn comes back over to me,

“you ready?” he asks me

“So.... what did you say?”

“Don’t worry about it. He’s not going to follow you anymore.”

“What did you say?”

“I’ll tell you on the way.”

It is about a block later when I ask again and he says,

“I told him that if I ever find out he’s writing a story about you I’d have him arrested for illegally buying weed.”

“How did you know he bought weed?”

But he just laughs at me as his answer

Knots inside a pattern; truth blends with myths; it’s all there, written on the mural walls

Wake up disturbed, dear dictionary, and find I cannot sleep


....In dreams I always see the cold frozen ground and the gray sky but he was not there in time, he came too late

and he stands there over me staring at me with those eyes....how long I’ve searched for those eyes; they have haunted me all my life



“Gone in a flash, unreal
But you knew all along.....

“.....To watch you numb

“I saw you there
You were on your way
You held the rain....

“You kissed me cold.....

“And for the first time
Heaven seemed insane
'Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away

“I cry the wound
In gray afternoons— “

~quoted from ‘Tear,’ song by the Smashing Pumpkins from the album “Adore”

https://youtu.be/av_2DlLeaC0


.... so the surgeons tell me they cannot fix me

this is nothing new to me; I have known this for many years

it was always their opinion but even if they did not know how to fix me I was always determined to prove them wrong

and I have


The thing that made me different from Dr. Rothschild’s statistics was that I was born stubborn and I have my own way,

call it willful or rebellious

I survived the statistics approximation for the kind of early fucked up shit that happened to me; both physical and emotional both sexual and ....sexual violence

I saw it all, had it visited upon me; violated in every possible way by not just one demon, nor one demon parent nor only those two family members, it was more than two

Only it was him that I defied

One day the man I believed to be my father went to go strike me as he always did across the table at me

But I had by then heard at school that what he did was a crime which I had not known and so instead of flinching away and letting myself be afraid I forced myself to laugh!

I laughed in his face

I was so scared but I remember thinking that I already knew the worst of what he did with his cruel hands and a strong arm with the belt that I realized I was sick of being afraid

I did not want him to win. You see

I was shaking in that moment. I lived in such fear of him but ..... I laughed ....

..... because I swore he would never see me cry again

I dared him

I was by then nine. After years of this and so sick of it. It was soon after Pat had died and I was somehow fearless


but he was like Hitler to me; so cruel and evil, so ugly when he went to take out his fury on me. His face went red as a beet. So ugly

Pat made me make this promise to her and it was just before she overdosed.... she was crying and she grabbed hold my arm and she said, with red eyes pouring down her beautiful face .... she said,
“Dawn, don’t do what I did..... promise me you won’t waste your life. Don’t do drugs, be tough— win for me, do it for me, don’t let the assholes win!”

And she was dead two weeks later

I was devastated as she was my idol and I was young to lose someone and well.... that is when .... that is when we put her in the cell inside and I put on the costume that was once my idol’s

I shut that me away. The one who got squashed by everyone. The one I did not want to be.... and I created a new one and sometimes we visited.... we.... the sides of a me that split. Not different people, a one just split, the one who just could not face the world and live up to this promise that I made Pat

statistics say that most kill themselves. I dislike numbers especially statistics— I always want to prove the numbers don’t rule over the power of the mind .... but what is mind? Is it soul? Is it self? Is it some eternal self? I know it does not end in death. This much I do know. I know because I tripped past that live fantastic the night I was raped and left for dead.... Dr. Rothschild wanted to know why I was not a drug addict; why I did not kill myself and she could not offer me any help on how to be released from the darkness that is inside; my real demons but she said,

“you have made it further than any known case, you’re trail blazing — maybe you have a message that you are meant to share.”

I would have preferred she had some prescription for inner peace but now she was asking me to create world peace; what irony

About ten years after my assault the injuries began to show those indelible fingerprints and doctor after doctor only told me my doom. One said my hands would be useless in ten years another said I would not be walking

but I’m a rebel, you see and I made this promise not to let the assholes win. I had to do it for her. And maybe too the one in that cell. The Celf inside, the one we left there with the codes ..... the notes

It is only because I am stubborn they were all wrong. I learned to be my own doctor and now I look twenty years younger than I should only because I’m stubborn and a bit obsessive about it.... a bit neurotic and certainly stark, raving, mad but— what other solution did I have

This code is like a combination to a safe. The pins line up




It is in the penthouse office that Jörn has taken over, apparently, the next time Willem stops by I ask him,
“why did you approach me that day at the Dugout?” I guess I want to see his eyes

“Well you know the neurosurgeon you went to when you were fifteen saw you had de damage on your vertebrae and he reported it— ve vere already vatching you—“

“Why me? Why would anyone bother with a fifteen year old American?”

“Haf you vorgotten about how seriously de Dutch take crimes against humanity? And ve vere looking vor enathing to get yur fadder on. Dere vas a dentist who lift under yur vloor an’ he sed dat he alvays heard the loud shouting an’ de hard footsteps—he vas sure you vere in danger zo.... i vas sent to meet you dat night to mek my report about you.”

“You made a report about me? What kind?”

“To send a henchman to your vader—I had to mek s report to proof ve had reason to threaten him....Your demeanor.... an’ de vay I could tell dat you had been abused by someone. It vasn’t hard to figure out who did it. Men like dat pick on children dat can’t fight back .... dat code you haf buried .... you know, I dink you should consider de hypnosis.... it might actually free you of dat monkey on yer bek....”

https://youtu.be/av_2DlLeaC0

.

of imperatives & Divine muses; Electra’s dictionary, an Opus

“Twilight fades

Through blistered Avalon

The sky's cruel torch

On arching autobahn

Into the uncertain divine

We scream into the last divine

You make me real

You make me real

Strong as I feel

You make me real

Sheila rides on crashing nightingale

Intake eyes leave passing vapor trails

With blushing brilliance alive

Because it's time to arrive

You make me real

You make me real

Strong as I feel

You make me real

Lately I just can't seem to believe

Discard my friends to change the scenery

It meant the world to hold a bruising faith

But now it's just a matter of grace

A summer storm graces all of me

Highway warm sing silent poetry

I could bring you the light

And take you home into the night

You make me real

(Lately I just can't seem to believe)

You make me real

(Discard my friends to change the scenery)

Strong as I feel

(It meant the world to hold a bruising faith)

You make me real

(But now it's just a matter of grace)”. 

                            —- song by the Smashing Pumpkins, lyrics by Billy Corgan ‘To Sheila’ from the album “Adore”

Jörn makes coffee like it’s a precise science but then becomes distracted looking for something

“How’s work?” I ask

He opens every cabinet and then he starts to get peeved ....and then all bets are off with his exacting coffee technique as he slams shut the coffee lid with blasphemy

“What?!!” he’s pissed and some water spills from the coffee pot

“How’s work?” I ask

Jörn gives me this suspicious look

“It isn’t rocket science, Jörn, it’s just a simple question. What happened to the French press?”

“Lisa broke it,” he plugs in the cord

“I actually prefer percolated coffee,” I say now because I can see he’s vexed. I attempt to cheer him up, “I don’t know what the big deal is about French press, actually; I think it taste like the inside of a coffee filter.”

“What!?” he looks still ready to put his fist through something as he looks at me and then he leans against the counter with his arms folded

“So.... How’s work?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Why are you suspicious? I’m not asking you to divulge top secrets— I was actually asking about the philharmonic. Are you getting along any better with Jaap van Zweden?”

“What makes you think I wasn’t getting along with him?” he asks me, “he went to the Bravo Vail festival, the philharmonic has other events now.”

“Where’s the Bravo Vail festival?” I get up to adjust the cord he has got all twisted up

“Colorado—it’s not like you to ask me about my work, why are you suddenly so interested?”

“It’s not sudden, I ask you things; I asked you last week if you were permanently the new cellist now and, remember, I also asked you the other day how your friend is liking your summer house.”

“My summer house is not work,“ he points out to me

 But I decide to ignore that,

“besides you’re just very cagey about...what you do.”

“Have you made an appointment to see Gerald?” he asks

“See what I mean! You change the subject every time.”

“What is ‘cagey’ exactly?” he asks me, “I never heard that expression.”

“Like.... how you are acting right now....”

“So have you?”

“No.”

“And why is that?”

“Wow.... Lisa is right, you do need to control everything..... everyone....” I say the last word under my breath “so what have you been doing then?” I suddenly realize to wonder, “when did the festival start?”

“I’ve been working on the opera at the opera house —you’ve been wrapped up in the penthouse repairs..... and if you want to play Pussy Galore with me, feel free to ask Papa, be my guest....” his eyes challenge me

“Ok....”

I don’t think I like this mood of his.

I say,

“is it just the French press or is it something else I should know?”

He rubs his eyes and sighs heavily,

“I’m sorry.... it’s probably the heat.... and Lisa ....I also would like to have my place to myself again—no I don’t mean you!” he throws his arms at me to stop my sudden reaction. He studies me, “and I don’t want you to start sleeping at the penthouse....” but oddly now abruptly he turns his back when he says this

“Is this about—are you still mad at me about the Hanna thing?”

“What Hanna thing?” then just as abruptly turns around again

“Because I’m letting her stay at the penthouse.”

“I was never concerned about that.”

“Yes you were.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No—I .... I’m glad she’s here and not with that buffoon!”

“You mean Lorenzo?”

He draws his brows together and seems distracted,

“—no the other buffoon!”

But I’m lost

“Lisa.... “ he sighs again to interpret for me

I start to wonder again about my conversation with her and reflect on things she said to me as I study him

The furtive look he gives me causes a gut reaction .... but I stay quiet .... and keep it to myself

He says,

“please don’t move back into the penthouse,” and I hear something in his voice that surprises me. I study his expression, his face that —hides everything.

Except his eyes. They do not

I say,

“I just moved a few things of mine back to the penthouse since the bedroom roof has been fixed and —you know, because it was cluttering up your place....space....”

“Please move them back. You were not cluttering up my space.... Duva.... I’ll make more room for you,” he says. And there is something in his voice that catches me and holds me still

So I stare at him

I stare because this is the most I have ever seen —or heard him .... expose—himself ....

And I suppose because it is so unexpected I find myself react

 .... in kind ....

it is a moment ..... that I suddenly feel —that this is like—like we are .... like mirrors .... of each other

like I am looking at myself.... it occurs to me that we are

And like we are two poker faces looking into two polished shields and reflecting off each other

And as I read his eyes and his controlled features on his face

this too reminds me also of so many of those dreams .... as if this is something I must see; and now occurs to me that there is—was something I must have missed.... once before; and long ago;

The dream memories

The dreams; like his haunting sonatas .... those poignant dreams

.... yes, I see it now inside his eyes, within the darkness of that den inside I have seen so many times in dreams

especially the saddest one.... in the hut when the stacks of white hides turn blood red .... and such cold

the coldness I recall so real in dream

when.... my body turns so cold ..... that letting go of life .... What always forces me to wake up because it hurts so much to live again

and now as I stare at him.... seeing ..... those same eyes; with their haunting,

The smeden with the sad, sad eyes;

and how indelibly it has always stayed with me since .....

the agony of them .... and how it hurts to sink into letting go of life

I could not stop the despair and knowing it was too late ....such fatal grief of such regret and knowing I was leaving those eyes forever....

....forever?

How it hurt to let go

It causes my throat to tighten painfully because this I cannot run away from; it feels too real anymore to pretend that all of this is hypothetical

.... yes, I have known him, this now I know; we were as we are now

and I have to look down to stop the burning in my eyes ....caused by the beauty of his, both memory and present; those haunting and most brilliant gems with their strangely captivating and most alluring slant.

He is so good at hiding his emotions but when they are exposed ....there is nothing more bewitching than what is inside those timeless eyes, that I have ever seen

“Please,” he says again

And because I am stopped dead still and caught inside their stunning magnificence —he holds me with his gaze to say without words—

to say. without words.

And holds me there

I don’t realize I hold my breath until my lungs force air to remind me to inhale because it is always easier to keep pretending than to tap inside the heart when so much seems at stake

It makes me dizzy and I stumble backward and begin to fall; I don’t do emotion like this too well, I’ve not had the experience to build that kind of muscle to let it

His hand catches me by the upper arm and then the other

“I mean.... Duva..... my opera— that I write, I write for you because I must; it comes from a place within me I have always known was there but could never reach.... I need to create. It is who I am. I was not whole until..... I found this.... no matter how much I strove to find the inspiration. I write better with you next to me. An artist needs his muse and the most meaningful masterpieces are born from .... something real. I think this is the only way to let the pirate’s soul find .... his renaissance; you make me real and I want you beside me. I know you think that my motives are mixed up in these spy games or decoding you but I think you need to look inside yourself to know the truth. Maybe by learning to trust that within you ....you can learn: you can; learn to feel your voice .... and free it.”

https://youtu.be/o_3LhYwbN-U

Electra’s dictionary as Film noir (JM muse chronicles continue); a dialogue of subjugation through sublimation of allegory as avoidance and existentialism & the reality of Angst in modern life

“I swear, if I see one more heart breaking, inhumane story, I’m going to hurl myself off the Brooklyn Bridge....” I replace the newspaper from the stand

“And what would that act serve humanity?” Jörn asks me as he reaches for the newspaper to read what has upset me

“I feel like my presence as a human  only makes me a part to the every day horrors of this rotten species....”

“Lisa really has put you in a bad mood.”

“Don’t patronize me, Jörn— idiots taking selfies with baby dolphins who die of being dragged from their home in the ocean, assholes who leave infant babies in their cars and forget about them so they die....! You know, that’s fucking evil shit,” I say to him venting my fury at him not for not being as upset even though neither news story is his fault, “why are we so privileged as a species if we are destroying the planet? Why is that ok? I don’t see people giving a damn; they’re too busy going shopping to deal with their unhappiness! Why is everyone so detached from any compassion for humanity?”

“You sound like your father,” Jörn says gently, “maybe you should reconsider that voice of yours that seems to have laryngitis.”

“Don’t fucking tease me!” I shout at him “stupid world leaders fucking tweeting their bullshit all day with their thumb up their ass— god, what a stupid society, I mean, a far cry from the Greeks— it’s just gone downhill since.... who was it that began this leap into the orgy mindset? Fucking Romans.....”

“Well, the Greeks weren’t exactly angels, Duva— they did poison Socrates for having his own mind!”

“Yeah, true....!”

He’s good at grounding me in my nonsense but still....

Only I am not done, it seems my father’s soap box was inadvertently bequeathed to me,

“Why should any of us really get concerned with the paranoia of the return of a Cold War mindset if the screaming propaganda is busy destroying the planet while insulating their own better interests; forget about tomorrow, just keep painting campaign promises and pulling the wool over a herd of mindless, lazy and self centered species.”

“Speaking of Cold War— Willem believes the code you may have buried could be triggered to the surface with hypnosis. Do you think Gerald might be willing to put you under? Is he skilled to do that?”

“Is this why we have come this way back from The Met....?” because Gerald lives just a few blocks from where we’re walking

“No, I just thought because of the heat it was a good idea and I thought we both needed time away from .... everybody.”

“You mean your family; your wife.... wow ten years separated?”

“It’s five for you and your husband; which, by the way, I’m starting to wonder if you have any future intention of finalizing things between you?”

“Are you and Lisa?”

“That’s different, we have kids—“

“Who are grown up and have jobs! Anyway....First of all: what is this code? Some nuclear bomb I could set off? I mean, what is so important about this piece of some old code?”

“It’s not about an old code. I cannot tell you more about this —not right now. And if I did you could trick yourself into burying it deeper.”

“How would you know that?”

“I’ve been in this business a long time, Duva.”

But our conversation is stopped short when he receives a text and he mumbles something as he reads it.

“Excuse me, I have to speak to my father a moment—“ he goes to make a call to his father and I don’t understand the context of their conversation. I hear ‘Kungar Hall’

Which suddenly reminds me of the recent music that has been keeping Jörn up at night.... much different than the other music and somehow more haunting and has been triggering a disturbance in my dreams

so I stop my raging thoughts to listen to his conversation .... his opera is almost completed but he has been struggling with something about it which seems to be getting in the way of the progress

He has told me he wants to perform it privately at the opera hall with his family to hear how it sounds this far played out with the acoustics of the hall to gain a perspective he seems is necessary but when I have asked him to let me hear the new parts, he looks at me so oddly.... almost with fear

And this alone disturbs me more

Alpha cats; Electra’s dictionary

Because it has been so hot, the workers have been leaving early but most of the rooftop ‘patio’ is done. Just some finishing touches

I ordered some patio furniture because it seems Hanna likes to hangout there with some friends she has made. It seems she is in no hurry to move back in the brownstone with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend

and so I suspect her mother is a bit jealous

It seems too that Hanna has taken over the kitchen. There are crates of bottled spring water and tortilla chips are bursting from everywhere. Ilya did not seem pleased about this at first but Hanna has a way with getting around people; somehow she arranged backstage passes for a rock concert Ilya is going to

“How did you do that?” I asked Hanna earlier today

And she just shrugged,
“I asked some guy I know and he handed them over.”

Well, she’s beautiful so, it’s really no wonder. So now Ilya is in the palm of Hanna’s hand and wrapped around her finger; she has a Jedi charm

But later after Hanna has disappeared with her friends I find Lisa out on the patio roof! By now the workers have left for the day,

But Lisa ? —which surprises me as I had not realized she had found her way over to my penthouse —no, I’m not exactly angry.... not exactly perturbed either.... well.... only—maybe that isn’t totally altogether true

It’s hard to say what game is up with her

She is sitting at the table under the umbrella drinking what looks like a whiskey sour and I suspect not her first one

Did she ask someone on the staff for it before they left for the day or help herself to the liquor cabinet? I suspect the former as it looks professionally done


so I walk over deciding there’s no point avoiding the Trojan horse and go right over to the table where she sits. I just pull out a chair, and sit down curiously with a bottle of water. She is clearly miffed about something. The sun is still a bit strong overhead but the heat is not as bad under the umbrella


“I don’t smoke,” she says but then proceeds to light up, “do you? You must to stay so skinny,” she adds —making me flinch— and after affectively  igniting her torch, she reaches into her huge bag to put on lipstick

dramatically opening her compact to perform the transformation —then blots her lips together with such odd exaggeration

“No, actually,” I say watching her with covert fascination

She opens the cigarette box again and lifts one to offer me

I decline

“No, I don’t smoke,” I repeat

and I guess I watch her with some confusion

“Oh come on!” she pushes it towards me and then leaves it there as if it can tempt me

She takes a deep inhale and sits back in the chair and looks up at the sky as she exhales with a long drawn out breath

“It’s this country, does it ever get to you?” she asks so bluntly and looks me dead in the eyes with a sharp iceblue gaze.

“Yes, all the time,” I say but then wonder if she’s been reading my blog.

But then she asks,
“How do you stay so skinny? I thought for sure you were a smoker,” she sweeps me frankly with her gaze head to foot

“I can’t gain weight,” I tell her “and I have trouble with handling stress.”

“That’s interesting, how is that? I’ve never heard of such a thing. How much do you weigh? Like 45 kilograms?” But I’m not sure how much that is and just shake my head

“What are you —like a size 00?”

I should be used to this by now; that look I get from most members of my gender and these types of remarks that leave emotional scars for days; sometimes I don’t want to step out the door; you would think there would be more solidarity among my gender but it isn’t that way, I wish I knew why

I force a shrug,
“it’s an inconvenience in a lot of ways.”

“How’s that?” she blows in my face

 “Stores never have anything in my size so I have to buy everything on line.”

“What about Forever 21 or teen shops?” Her expression is not even teasing, she is actually serious

Whatever

“You think I look ridiculous with him, don’t you?” I only say this because she has pushed my limit with her last remark

She drags more on the cigarette and considers still sizing me up

Eventually she says,
“you can never be too rich or too thin.”

As if....

Then adds,
“we may still have some of Hanna’s clothes from when she was.... ten.... How tall —are—you?” she looks at me

I shake my head holding in rage,
“I don’t know how you measure in your country but not that minuscule, actually I’m 5’4”!” I say with indignation

.... ok, almost—I round up, but who’s measuring

What is she drinking anyway? I wonder and ask her,
“and how tall are you are you—six foot?”

“Hmm!” she laughs, “touché!” and still looks at me, “you look taller from a distance actually,” she tells me

I then reach for her bag on the floor and

 ....hold it up to myself,

“is that why you thought I could fit into your handbag?” I ask

She nearly chokes on the cigarette and I have to hand her my water

“You knew what I said?” she asks shocked with tears streaming down her face from coughing

I smile,
“I’m still learning but I have picked up a few words,” I say

Again more sizing up,

“I can see why Jörn likes you.... he likes little things....that fit into his compartments neatly like careful neat rows.... little things he can push around because— it makes him feel important —and ....if I were to be honest I would grudgingly admit.... that you don’t actually look too ridiculous with him ....which may be why I think I hate you for that,” I notice she is not just a bit tipsy and notice too the human flaw exposed now in her eyes. No doubt the drink has brought out more truth than she might have allowed otherwise,

“Yes I have Lorenzo ....but, Jörn —“ she sighs with defeat and another shrug, “I am still possessive of— you know—and I don’t like sharing.” And adds after a pause, “....him, I mean.... he is not easy to let go of.”

(....I guess that is what you and his mother have in common....only I would not say that out loud.)

It is a very uncomfortable moment and pause in a remarkably uncomfortable conversation

“But if I were to be honest ....yet again —I would also admit.... very grudgingly.... that I .... never saw him look at me —or anyone.... the way that he looks at you.... I have never seen that look ever on him. There is something very different in him that I.... well, I guess it disturbs me. It is over ten years now since we were together but I always felt —you know.... if I wanted him back I could....” she stamps out the butt into something she uses as an ashtray that looks like the cap to a beverage bottle. After watching the smoke diminish she says, with a brittle tone,

“No you don’t look ridiculous with him; he —on the other hand....I think looks like a pedophile with you.”

“But—you do know that ....I am older than him?” I ask

Her mouth drops open

Impulsively, I reach for her glass and take a deep long swallow. It is a strong drink. Which I find I really need after this conversation. More whiskey than sour which makes me cough. It also makes me bold

I say, and clearly the drink has detonated the filter of polite conversation,
“you know, to be honest, I’m used to women hating me....that is— unless they want to sleep with me. It would be nice for once to meet a woman who knew how to be strong enough in herself to know how to be a true friend and a real person to another woman who didn’t find every other woman some kind of threat.”

“Unfortunately, to me you are quite a threat so, I don’t think there is hope for that here. But I think it’s primal to women to be threatened by every other woman.”

“You could be right. Our gender has not really evolved despite what the hashtags say,” I don’t ask but finish her drink for her and get up and leave her there

vamp-pirate, Queen of drag; Lavender Film Noir; Electra’s dictionary (jm muse chronicles)

Of course I cannot go back to Jörn’s place, my head is not able to face his family

And knowing that Hanna will be staying at the penthouse in the bedroom that faces south I take another way to the master suite that faces north

I shut the door of the bedroom and lean against it shaking. I sink down onto the floor thinking ....

how much of all of this did Jörn know before we ever met? How can I trust him? am I everyone’s pawn?

It is my sense of trust that causes me to stumble; my lack of better judgment; mistrust. I wonder in this swirling panic : How did I think I could trust Jörn...?

Why —why did I ever trust Jörn....? why???

When I need no one ...

have I just been dazzled by those pirate eyes; those haunting eyes that pull me within their private den. Like the priestess Elan?

Should I question .... the parallels ....and patterns; and behold the codes

The parallel lives.... what do they mean ?

but then what about the haunting dreams that —is real, or, no, I mean ....

that is something—yes.... ? Or am I certifiably out of my mind which .... I have often come to wonder especially these days

Only maybe this is somehow part of some larger picture that I don’t quite understand....yet

I remind myself now: I don’t need anybody

As it’s always been just.... the celf.... just me and the celf and so it shouldn’t change now just because ....

I force away those other things. Those .... things of curious and compelling mystery that have kept me up so many nights. Like his haunting music. His fascinating mind and mystique. Those nights awake to his pounding the piano keys ....Watching his shadows on the wall .... the wild madness of his passion and

those unspoken things between us in the dark. When we come together. How I always turn to him in sleep; and always wake up wrapped around and pressed against his hips; even the first night when I first slept next to him; he broke all my codes .... never trust; never let anyone in. Especially not .... in sleep; the most personal space of all.

He got inside the walls. How? I don’t know why; as if he’d already been

have I betrayed myself.... by trusting him? why did I — what made me trust him?


I walk through the master suite to the washroom. Shut the door. Lock it. Lean against it and .... sink down.... and tell myself again: Nobody owns me.... I belong to me....

I remind myself now why that was always the policy.... never trust, don’t let anyone in, I am mine

my own Frankenstein

.... freak that I am, and ....

I really don’t care that nobody understands,

I like it better this way

I am not made to fit a standard,

so ....fuck it

And yet, here I am putting things together thinking-/he set me up

and what a disappointing mistake....

I feel myself begin to fall apart,  like swirling in the sinking labyrinthine spiral of weeping through the waters of Lethe I start to cry

How long is mercury retrograde? I wonder, as my mind feels like an atom bomb ready to go off


In the hysteria of emotions I think: Unfinished business —lesson missed; the Viking was sent to destroy me again. I think over everything that just happened with Willem and am so heavily sunk in this morass I decide to fill the water in the tub....the need to....wash....to be clean; find safety in

myself.

It is about an hour later when I hear the sound of the doorknob being turned and jolt up,  reaching for my glasses. I watch Jörn walk right in.

How —the fuck— dare he and how—the fuck— did he? When I locked it?

I don’t notice what he’s wearing, I’m too angry and shout at him

“I locked the door! Do you mind?!”

“Did you really think you could lock me out?”

It is only now that I notice

~He is dressed in drag~

He wears a satin black kimono that reaches above his knees, his long, and quite beautiful legs are clad in black fishnet stockings. And only now I notice he is wearing kohl around his eyes and something iridescent on his lids that makes him look even more like a vampire-pirate

“I read you like this,” he says with a lecherous smile in an exaggerated seductive tone as he kneels down next to me beside the bathtub ....he leans on the ledge of the bathtub and starts to wash me like a geisha

I jolt back stunned and am caught up in staring at him and it makes me think again of how he likes to dress me up, like the night of the opera

He does not make a pretty transgender but that does not detract from the erotic impact that.... it has on me; I dare not say exactly how it is intensely disturbing nor dare admit how arousing. I dare not

“You —do this —to—distract from —the fact that....”I seem to forget what I mean to say

“What?” he is nearly laughing at me but holds it back as he leans closer in this way so that his hair seductively falls loose. He looks directly into me as if blatantly reading my mind. He reaches to put his fingers in my hair and takes hold of my face,

“You don’t trust me because of what Willem said—you think I have been setting you up.”

“Well haven’t you?”

I watch the black kimono fall open as he intentionally leans in this way and he watches me with a smile,
“do you really believe that, or are you so used to taking flight, min lilla duva?”

“This is a slutty trick, Jörn....” but my anger has somehow become deflected, “you want some hidden code from me— and—you think I have some buried secret— like —I am —like —a buried treasure ....for the pirate to mark with a big X crossed—“

“Where?” he asks and puts his hand into the water and touches me, “here?”

“You —can’t do that ....so ....easily,” only, sadly,  that is not accurate but I look right at his eyes and don’t blink and firmly repeat, “you can’t.”

“No?”

“I —mean....you expect me to —to.... trust—“ I stop what I am saying as he distracts, no, not his fingers, instead it is the opening of the kimono and what it reveals, “....that isn’t fair,” I stammer and say, too weakly to be convincing, “it is so ....low....”

“Is this low enough?” he asks but he means something else

“Seriously....”

“Ask yourself....min lilla duva, what do I have to gain from ....decoding you?” and now everything he says takes on double entendres

“Stop confusing me,” I touch him, reaching for him with my hand to lay upon him

because he is so far away I use my left to grip hold of him by the kimono to pull him into the water with me

but he laughs

“No, I don’t think so!” and hauls me from the water like a sack of swords, kicking wide the bathroom door and on the way out he bites my neck and says into my ear,

"Låt mig vara din lesbiska älskare,” and laughs

but I don’t know what it means

It is later— after—


I do not realize that we hold hands and it only occurs to me now when I feel his long fingers stroke across my knuckles with their long sweeps. I do not realize it.... because his touch has become—or always was—is —subconscious to me.... as if he has become—is—a part of me.... his touch..... somehow anticipated.... these hands and fingers that know me intimately, do I trust?

“Where did you get these?” I ask him, touching him through the fishnets

“An ex lover left them,” he shrugs with levity, but I don’t really believe him