Wake up disturbed, dear dictionary, and find I cannot sleep
....In dreams I always see the cold frozen ground and the gray sky but he was not there in time, he came too late
and he stands there over me staring at me with those eyes....how long I’ve searched for those eyes; they have haunted me all my life
“Gone in a flash, unreal
But you knew all along.....
“.....To watch you numb
“I saw you there
You were on your way
You held the rain....
“You kissed me cold.....
“And for the first time
Heaven seemed insane
'Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away
“I cry the wound
In gray afternoons— “
~quoted from ‘Tear,’ song by the Smashing Pumpkins from the album “Adore”
https://youtu.be/av_2DlLeaC0
.... so the surgeons tell me they cannot fix me
this is nothing new to me; I have known this for many years
it was always their opinion but even if they did not know how to fix me I was always determined to prove them wrong
and I have
The thing that made me different from Dr. Rothschild’s statistics was that I was born stubborn and I have my own way,
call it willful or rebellious
I survived the statistics approximation for the kind of early fucked up shit that happened to me; both physical and emotional both sexual and ....sexual violence
I saw it all, had it visited upon me; violated in every possible way by not just one demon, nor one demon parent nor only those two family members, it was more than two
Only it was him that I defied
One day the man I believed to be my father went to go strike me as he always did across the table at me
But I had by then heard at school that what he did was a crime which I had not known and so instead of flinching away and letting myself be afraid I forced myself to laugh!
I laughed in his face
I was so scared but I remember thinking that I already knew the worst of what he did with his cruel hands and a strong arm with the belt that I realized I was sick of being afraid
I did not want him to win. You see
I was shaking in that moment. I lived in such fear of him but ..... I laughed ....
..... because I swore he would never see me cry again
I dared him
I was by then nine. After years of this and so sick of it. It was soon after Pat had died and I was somehow fearless
but he was like Hitler to me; so cruel and evil, so ugly when he went to take out his fury on me. His face went red as a beet. So ugly
Pat made me make this promise to her and it was just before she overdosed.... she was crying and she grabbed hold my arm and she said, with red eyes pouring down her beautiful face .... she said,
“Dawn, don’t do what I did..... promise me you won’t waste your life. Don’t do drugs, be tough— win for me, do it for me, don’t let the assholes win!”
And she was dead two weeks later
I was devastated as she was my idol and I was young to lose someone and well.... that is when .... that is when we put her in the cell inside and I put on the costume that was once my idol’s
I shut that me away. The one who got squashed by everyone. The one I did not want to be.... and I created a new one and sometimes we visited.... we.... the sides of a me that split. Not different people, a one just split, the one who just could not face the world and live up to this promise that I made Pat
statistics say that most kill themselves. I dislike numbers especially statistics— I always want to prove the numbers don’t rule over the power of the mind .... but what is mind? Is it soul? Is it self? Is it some eternal self? I know it does not end in death. This much I do know. I know because I tripped past that live fantastic the night I was raped and left for dead.... Dr. Rothschild wanted to know why I was not a drug addict; why I did not kill myself and she could not offer me any help on how to be released from the darkness that is inside; my real demons but she said,
“you have made it further than any known case, you’re trail blazing — maybe you have a message that you are meant to share.”
I would have preferred she had some prescription for inner peace but now she was asking me to create world peace; what irony
About ten years after my assault the injuries began to show those indelible fingerprints and doctor after doctor only told me my doom. One said my hands would be useless in ten years another said I would not be walking
but I’m a rebel, you see and I made this promise not to let the assholes win. I had to do it for her. And maybe too the one in that cell. The Celf inside, the one we left there with the codes ..... the notes
It is only because I am stubborn they were all wrong. I learned to be my own doctor and now I look twenty years younger than I should only because I’m stubborn and a bit obsessive about it.... a bit neurotic and certainly stark, raving, mad but— what other solution did I have
This code is like a combination to a safe. The pins line up
It is in the penthouse office that Jörn has taken over, apparently, the next time Willem stops by I ask him,
“why did you approach me that day at the Dugout?” I guess I want to see his eyes
“Well you know the neurosurgeon you went to when you were fifteen saw you had de damage on your vertebrae and he reported it— ve vere already vatching you—“
“Why me? Why would anyone bother with a fifteen year old American?”
“Haf you vorgotten about how seriously de Dutch take crimes against humanity? And ve vere looking vor enathing to get yur fadder on. Dere vas a dentist who lift under yur vloor an’ he sed dat he alvays heard the loud shouting an’ de hard footsteps—he vas sure you vere in danger zo.... i vas sent to meet you dat night to mek my report about you.”
“You made a report about me? What kind?”
“To send a henchman to your vader—I had to mek s report to proof ve had reason to threaten him....Your demeanor.... an’ de vay I could tell dat you had been abused by someone. It vasn’t hard to figure out who did it. Men like dat pick on children dat can’t fight back .... dat code you haf buried .... you know, I dink you should consider de hypnosis.... it might actually free you of dat monkey on yer bek....”
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