e.d. noir/Between the plains

it is after I have finished off, cleansed the wound over the area …. when …. I see the strange neatness of the stitches and feel myself remove …. wrap the gauze around until it seals it away…. like some heavy dream; when the thick blankets smothers out your attachment to recalling the dream …. the dream down the heavy dark swamp 

I don’t know really what I think about sometimes ….these days anyway ….

the few hours between those few hours of sleep ….I’ve not been able to get past four at the most for so long 

….that heaviness that goes deep down into the dark morass…. right before dreams 

 …. so I watch him to be sure no fever sets in. I stay for hours wondering how I will explain to Sunny where I’ve been ….and how to get back here with supplies without catching his attention 

I realize as I sit there with one eye watching him and another dreaming past the hide’s several windows ….it has been weeks since I went somewhere like a shop or ….was among civilization and ….I don’t miss it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be among people. among society. have I been a prisoner too long, I wonder….or is it the society? I have no interest in anything out there

I could stay here in these woods forever ….pretend I am not on the planet where some lunatic could press a button and blow up our planet ….I’m not here anymore. perhaps I am like a bear in hibernation or wasn’t it Merlin who went into his crystal cave and slept a few hundred years ….?

I think about Sunny with all his hunting trophies all over ….giant bears take up the main room and more deer than I can count adorn the walls and…. I realize he and I look at nature so much differently…. but I feel so unlike ….most in society; I don’t eat meat and I cry watching hunters go after their kill; cry more watching the blood and the skulls….and the casualness of how meat is consumed —why am I so ridiculous? so removed from normal ….but why isn’t this normal? I keep wondering 

yet….I don’t think it’s me so, fuckit….and then forget my thought when I look down now at my phone ….

as ….there is a message from Willem….oh, what do I do?