And while I wait for Jörn to return, I try to not think of what is actually happening and at first I just sit on the cot staring at the space heater where it sits there....
and it is a long time before I feel myself aware of being outside of myself
of being .... as if .... well.... somewhere —or.... in another sense of time
....slipping to ....it seems.... repressed memories .... and I think now of Dr. Rothschild as I become conscious of.... the comfort —or—safety .... of being wrapped in the hides
and it is strange as I really do not like the ....savagery of ....animal skins
it is this alone that draws me to remember something that happened in my psychiatrist’s office when she was trying to regress me to.... remember locked memories, but she had only the purpose to free me from —those things from my childhood and of course what happened when I was older in my college dorm room that night .... it was only for this she had intended to try regression because —I have always had such fears of being able to trust anyone; things like intimacy ....I’ve always erected such walls around me and suffered the backlash of desertion; creating my self fulfilling prophesies of always picking the wrong partners to avoid letting anyone near me and making such disasters of my life
So she regressed me one day in her office and the last thing I remember of what happened was ....her saying to me “imagine yourself in the most lovely place where you feel safe....” and I really don’t know what happened after that.
She recorded it.... but never told me what was on the recording
but I remember how she stared at me after when I —woke up from it.... this was around those first occurrences of those dreams
I think of this now as I stare at the spot where Jörn has placed the space heater. And maybe it is.... despite my aversions to.... animal skins .... but something jars in my mind as I find this need to search for .... some safe place
and even as I recall those dreams of the hut and the forge it really is something else I think of. Looking out to the doorway there.... to the sound of the water far in the distance and recalling the little grove ....it was the grove my mind went to; the stunted shrubs and how they looked in the warmth of the sun, that leafy shade of dark green with the warm scent of earth, how the sun lit through to my haven of shade .... on one such summer day .... that strange, strange light that would not set and when night without darkness could not come
It was the way the light of the sun looked .... through the canopy of dark green leaves
I do think her regressions opened that doorway I had been for so long blindly on the precipice of, searching in the darkness of unconsciousness and thus unleashed my monster giving vent to a tidal wave of emotions I have never been able to name but oddly, it consoled me.... this inexplicable sense of knowing .... the void once held a meaning
Still, her intentions to heal me in the contemporary manner I guess were just not meant to be
So this exercise now.... at least works .... to calm me
remove me
from present fears and nightmares
I get up now and decide to look at what is in the trunks set around the hide in various spots in a kind of octagonal design that mirrors the circular shape of the treehouse hide.... I find an interesting assortment of camping accessories; dried vegetarian packets of food, oh—tooth brushes, toothpaste, soap .... I take this out and keep looking through ....wool sweaters, some white generic cotton T-shirts, men’s long-Johns.... which can’t be worse then what I’ve been stuck wearing, I’m thinking—and desiring to get out of my Steven Tyler clothes, I shed these as soon as I make this discovery, and without hesitation I’m gladly pulling on the long, waffle textured underwear along with the t-shirt and warm wool sweater —grateful for it as it feels so much softer against my skin then what I’ve been living in.... and with this, a pair of imported woolen hand knitted socks that —all this—feel better than satin damask just now ....
And then make my way to the next trunk.... this one has even more interesting camping gear and take my time going through them.... Swiss Army knife .... flash lights, utility knives .... and things I don’t have any idea what they are .... a gas mask .... then find amongst these ....infrared binoculars—neat—! wow, cool! —it’s like double-O-7 spy equipment, I think ....
and so, well occupied, I sit there on the floor trying to figure out how it works ....So why not try it out? ....on switch .... ? .... a red light goes on.... I get up to look out through the hide’s wall of window and —look into the blurry lenses as I figure out the focus ....
First I just see branches of the web of all the surrounding trees outside .... but nothing exciting that I can see from here.... I guess the birds must be asleep—not even a squirrel in sight. And with the leaves now growing in —even now, despite that it’s long past spring —it is still snowing in the mountains .... but I notice that —I can see, there’s the building—through the branches and.... realize —that must be the barn house ....yes, of course, I realize now and focus better; Jörn said the hide faces our bedroom window there .... and now I try to look .... but.... all I see is the shape of the house and the back deck, and everything it seems still and strangely quiet
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