we don’t plan on emotion 

while busy making plans 

Deep smörgås noir

 

I cannot turn back; that is to say, I cannot undo where I am, it is where I —am at

so thus surrender, there is nothing else for it…. and the water in the tall glass is held to my face and

for a dumb and long moment it seems I am frozen on the precipice of ….sheer and ridiculous epsilon soundlessness and decide that it is best to just give up to it ….

and drain 

the glass

the dots disappear.but that could be just coincidence 

So there is Josef —what….?no, I don’t wonder as he is at the end of the long table waiting for us with ….a strong sense I get

like a ‘disturbance in the force, ….Luke’

only he smiles at me as I walk into the room and I’m not sure what it is but a surreal sense of Fanny and Alexander 

Only, instead….. Josef comes over to me snd takes a firm grip of my arm as I feel Elsa let me go. And so maybe it is the concussion as I seem to feel so removed from myself. Almost as if I don’t care about any possible consequence anymore 

As though I have really abandoned myself to the will of chaos because ….well, maybe it would do a better job with my life than I have trying to always keep my feet on the ground 

carpet ride is clearly needs must  immediately because there in Josef’s expression is this highly tolerant look of indulgence that appears before he just lightly pushes my arm so that losing my balance I fall into that —convenient seat; flop. Land with an unfortunate sound that carries more humor with the following silence  

“So….” Josef says as if all of us know what is about to happen 

I look around for cues. Andreas sighs with irritation but takes a seat at the other end. Elsa sits near next to me on the left as Josef, with a dramatic flare clears his throat loudly and looks at Jörn. Everyone is looking at Josef looking at Jörn. Which Josef knows. Then he points to s chair as he glares at Jörn 

There is a dramatic sigh from Josef as he rolls his eyes 

“Duvan ….” Josef says as he looks at me

Why do I feel like I am on the edge of s cliff 

“The Svenska Opera House stands s chance of becoming a liquidation …..”  he stares at me with —that note of his son’s kryptonite; now I know where it originated 

“Is that the right word?” Josef looks at Andreas

I look too. Andreas shrugs and appeals to me with a shrug,

“they are saying that they do not want a Swede as a property owner there—basically— is what I get.”

I am further lost. 

I look at Josef. But Josef looks uncomfortable. 

I feel Elsa pat my arm,

“they are trying to say that we are in trouble unless we find an American wife for Jörn.”

thoughtsfleetrandom;bk of days

don’t you always see faces and scenes in the shadows and creases….? sometimes you know there are words too

e.d.

and sometimes i want to to take him into my arms and say that he is not the one in control. Sometimes I think he wishes it too, but he just cannot —let go to it.it is not part of the vocabulary encoded into his cerebral brain cells…. to say….and instead, just tell him to shut up, that he needs to be quiet because he makes no more sense and stop the wild ride for five minutes of breath and ….me.yes, me. just shut up and let me tidy up the mess you have made and make him stop all his commotion and let me kiss him like he is a little boy into submission. why is he so bad

A random observation (the mind reflects upon during burnt out moments in life) …. so I have noticed that squirrels are more stupid out in the country. 

  perhaps it’s best this way

will he ever find his way back to me….?/notes of a stranger; Ed noir

****

as I walk through the pass from the penthouse to the vestibule that leads to the main part 

I breathlessly wonder …..

will he ever find his way back to me….?

and this thought confuses my independent nature —that it should matter, why do I care….if he is a worthless scoundrel ….will he ever find his way back to me….

because there was ….something worth knowing there and if it is lost then ….

because I cannot ….

my head is weird like a balloon about to pop

     and only when I stumble do I realize I have been leaning on Elsa’s arm for most of the way —and now ….I start to see a lot of black polka dots ….everywhere and I feel so strange 

they seem to take over 

“Get her water!” I hear her shout, “Andreas!”

as the horizon turns sideways