peacefrog, peach and cherry/jordgubbe

 

Dictionary, diary

There are these moments in the midst of crisis when sometimes the mind wanders off—only after that breaking point of the mind when there has been no relief from the crisis — it’s had enough, I guess, so it takes a holiday without any consultation to rational; it occurred during my assault I recall; I thought of others going about as though everything was all right —and you wonder how they can but…. that is life and the world is big —yes it has happened to me time and again ….fear is so exhausting and then there you are in a mental Disneyland as the shit goes down ….the mind is weird ….and it occurred to me the other day that it seems so silly —as far as the drama of events in my own life ….so it occurred to me that, my life—now has come to feel as though the creator of my life has lost the plot, so is just making up all sorts of shit just to ….what? I really don’t know ….watch that boat adrift as the bombs go off and spin on that mad tea cup ride 

more thoughts of the legend; reflections

 

I always knew there was something “emotionally” wrong with my mother.

unhinged. 

I knew her differently than others in my family. Looking back now, I understand why her bond with me was bittersweet. I looked like the man she loved and lost and I was the daily reminder that she was marked in her husband’s eyes as his whore to abuse behind closed doors.

I watched from the crack of my mother’s closet door. I watched scenes that marked ….into the eggshell of my mind….I saw that vile little evil man 

but also, I saw her manic highs

I saw her lows

her lows made her cruel ….usually most to me

but I understood

I was willing to be thst for her

I listened 

I told her how much I adored her

I forgave her everything 

She was not diagnosed manic depressive

it was a secret that I saw but she hid well…. but she was quite mad…. quite mad…. and with a husband prone to violent behavior to members of his household—the exception the molesting daughter of his blood and sickness; behind closed doors were two plus one lunatics we all lived …. in that yellow house 

I reacted to her mood swings. I bore the swings. I was depressed when she hurt my feelings with her shunning and spiteful words…. that was why the self harm began, you see; her rejection made me wish to die when she shut me out and would ignore me for days; weeks…. And later years ….why do females in my family hurt me so ….the men not as much, just the one—my personal Hitler 

I had been misdiagnosed years ago for clinical depression —they were wrong. I just needed to heal. But some things you don’t heal from. It is up to the individual to figure out how to survive and build their armor and maybe one day triumph 

It is not depression when you hurt or grieve. Those emotions are correct to feel. They should be experienced, not masked by chemicals society enforces 

we should accept differences of others ….accept and appreciate their unique perspectives 

How boring if everything was straight up and down 

 

I feel a sense of tremendous gratitude. 

There is light in the universe. There is beauty, and joy after all. 

alas the struggle to be understood and heard has touched me gently to walk in good faith and shift my onward path

Alas, alas ….all is indeed glorious 

 

 https://youtu.be/qanqpSHoTv0

e.d., and that piece of me does break and disintegrate when I realize with that kind of grief —there is no going back once the jab has gone too deep. it could have; had it been retracted at the time but it was let 

pour toi; grenouille de paix 2