note to Celf….a marker for a page; glad tidings, Ed—Persephone and I are now co-writing; alas, there is a little piece of peace for Demeter 

 juste à temps !🥵

More epiphanies(just a quickie); e.d.&film noir/A deep cleanse(jmmusechron)

Only as I step down inside it, the darkness within surrounds me; just like that, like a blackout. is it a flatline….?

 ….but the breathing is hard

 ….he says to

The day suddenly got so chill. the curtain blown a cold with its waves of violence and shudders across the globe; are we really here again —I should not wonder again only why must the cost always prey upon those who never had a part of the bargain…?

everywhere. Such misery. Bleakness. Such bad news from people ….the climate of the chess board; it mirrors everywhere. The darkness that looms…. It is here

And….  it all seems so worthless ….

what was the point of any of the victories if you never get anywhere, it depresses me ….do I want to be a member of such a club? 

& where is the Greek chorus when I really need one ? me —speak a voice to —what? them? such idiots. all of them…. instead of Shirley Valentine, I am Mulan 

“Come here,” he says 

but where is he? As it was dark stepping down into the boat and then —something came over me; it was the darkness ….but now my eyes adjust and then sounds too…. the lapping of the water is now mixed with …. running water, like a waterfall so, I follow the sound 

It leads me within wood paneled walls to a shower running within a glowing light and there is Jörn stripped down and getting his hair wet under the water as he waves at me to come 

I laugh, and look around behind me,

“no way! Somebody will come!”

“Don’t be an idiot,” he says and waves at me again to come 

“So why am I doing this?” I laugh, but go anyway, “I just bathed, so I don’t think—“

he gets out dripping and starts removing garments off me as he says—peeling my jacket snd cardigan off together and then over my head, I’m buried —he says through my tshirt,

“this is not to shower, so be quiet.”

I laugh,

“oh I get it—“

“Think of it as a baptism,” he says this, by now it’s possible to see his face but only just as he works his way down quick and says, “get in,” with a nudge 

“I don’t really want a shower—“I say as I get pushed in but —it is actually warm and nice, “a baptism….?” as it only now occurs to me what he said, “so is this your boat or —“ I start to sit down on the bottom but he pulls me up as he gets back in 

our voices echo weirdly inside the shower stall

“It’s like a—“ and he smiles in that way as I look up 

I say,

“are you going to say like an Airbnb”?”

He laughs,

“you’re starting to get things now—“

“so, how is this a baptism?” 

“Be quiet a minute and close your eyes,” he says 

so I listen to the water with my eyes closed and wonder if it is meant to be the waters of Lethe? ….Virgil ….maybe, this is his attempt at being symbolic or….no, I am wrong because —then I feel his teeth on my neck as ….his arms come around from behind me as —then I feel his mouth kiss my neck….hmmm

“is it that kind of baptism?” I ask

but his hands wash me instead,

“I said be quiet,” as he soaks my hair and starts washing it 

“So glad I put make up on today—“

“You really don’t listen,” he says but kisses me 

the walk home

 https://youtu.be/xBvXfOHUzy0

but the fox got away

 

(present day diary of:) Electra’s dictionary as film noir (jmmusechron)/the artist’s as ‘madness’

 

so we go from plague to war 

I think about all my dead parents, the last two —now long dead, going on —what over twenty years now ….? 

weird …. I think time froze for me …. people think I am so young —it is some weird anomaly about me …. a deception of reality as —I am quite old ….they might call it fairy ‘glamour’; a charm…. no.but I think it’s because I got frozen at that age when they died  —or I just never grew up …. perhaps it is some kind of a form of autism linked with my being dyslexic and my other peculiarities …. 

My mother used to tell me how she talked to the walls. She told me that is how she spoke to her late mother; my grandmother. She saw the film Shirley Valentine…. I guess that is what the character did, so my mother embraced the concept…. for me I don’t even bother with walls; I talk to her because she has never left my brain and on hikes she comments constantly —I “should paint that landscape there….do paintings of those sweet cows over there—oh no, they are bulls!” and “….why have I never done more serious oils…. “

Today we talked about war. She reminded of how it was for her growing up ….the Nazis ….she said the air felt like how it felt today as we walked ….

Oh…. I saw a red fox ….

….I have been afraid in my life 

it just happened to me and I can say ….I am left to wonder …. what have we learned as a species? 

this version of human has not evolved because they keep doing the same stupid things and nobody does anything to stop it 

…. so as I reach closer to the age my mother was when she died 

and the other person who was my natural father …. life has always looked unlike how others have —taken their holiday photos— for me …. 

I think I am meant to observe 

always through the glass 

nose pressed …. from the outside 

looking in 

do you hear how people talk ….they need to do more action and shut up 

*********

And these are the thoughts on my mind as Jörn drives and only after a long moment has passed do I say,

“where are we going?”

but he does not say

….well, you can smell the sea 

It only now occurs to me that it has been so very long since I was near the sea ….it has always been a part of me and I suppose I find it reassuring to be near it

this I think about as as he drives 

“Did you fly through Baltimore-Washington Airport?” I turn to look at him because, still, he does not answer me 

“I did not fly….” he smiles at me and makes a gesture with his head at me to look 

Only now do I realize he has pulled past the entrance of a marina 

****

We get out and walk the pier

But what do I know of yachts?

“Is this a forty foot?” I ask (as if I know; I heard someone say it recently)

“I’m metric,” he laughs at me and points to the edge of it 

“What am I looking at?” 

And laughs at me again,

“that’s where you step on,” he says 

 je m'inquiète pour toi