Dear e.d…..there are moments where—I swear, I panic ….forget how to breathe ….and I think “it’s crash and burn ….on my own ….lost out in space” ….I can’t breathe ….all the frauds I have known in my life —how can I ever know who to trust? who are these people —they are all liars….all liars ….I scream at the walls …silently …. Oh my god how did I get here. even texting UN Jackson about all this is strange ….How did I ever get here? ….and where exactly am I ….? I stare at nothing, see nothing and only live in thoughts that no longer makes sense …. and the dreams are so ….sick
*****
I sit in the car as Jörn drives silently
but after awhile he says,
“Maryland? I…” he shakes his head
I just watch reaped cornfields that I don’t even see ….crop circles …. anyone….?
Jörn is saying…. by the buz of the road,
“right under our nose ….I just…. how, duva? How….because none of this makes any sense—“
“Stop the car, please,” I say calmly and look straight ahead. I repeat it too. Twice; like I do everything —like some idiot or maniac and ….easily both ….some fucking idiot
I get out and start walking down the road
It is awhile before I realize I am sat on the ground with my head in my hands and somewhere out there he is talking to me
“I’m just trying to understand,” I hear him say
“Yeah….” I say as if I agree
“Where—?when….or do I mean how?” he says
and it is something in his voice that pulls me somehow back to …. earth
but it is a mistake as I fall apart
“I’m sorry,” he says
“No…. it’s just me….I guess I felt sorry —“there I break, “…for him—and ….he was fooling me—it was an act because then ….” And then I realize I don’t make sense
I take a deep breath,
“I got a call when I went to help your father with the suitcases—remember that day? Your spy convention and—“
“I remember —you don’t have to remind me, I was there,” he says with a strain of frustration
“Ok—yeah, so it was the drugstore. They said they found a credit card of mine I dropped the day I was there—which I should have realized was not true as I don’t have those on principle — but…. I don’t know, it was the drugstore in Southampton and I figured maybe they had something important of mine if not a credit card so—but I don’t know —he was at the area by where they do things like vaccines and —I didn’t recognize him, it’s been years—“
“Slow down,” he says….
and so, watch the sunset and hyperventilate
“How did you meet Sunny?” Jörn half laughs and I look up
“I was walking down the highway…. literally ….passing cornfields and ….I got a lot of attention —“
“I bet—“
I laugh,
“I had to do something—no public transportation and three hours away by car to anything! Shit! Some creep from my past …. do you know what he told me? He’s thought about me every night since the last time he saw me —when was that? A million years ago….I don’t know how someone gets that fucked up—but why is it always me that weirdos go for—freaks …. he’s seriously out of touch with reality, not to mention a violent and raging alcoholic ….he really had no intention of letting me go….”
After awhile he says,
“well, he’s disappeared…. are you comfortable here? You could not have found a more unlikely swat team—a retired FBI agent in the middle of a cornfield ….” he laughs
“I know—like how I met Willem….” I look up at Jörn to watch his eyes
He nods and looks back at me,
“I know what you are thinking ….”
I shrug,
“Well…. do you blame me?”
“Your imagination could get you in trouble ….Sunny checks out—Langley and DC were on the way and ….you know they never ‘retire’ ….”
But I forget the panic for just one very small moment and put my fingers in his hair to pull him to me and then trace his eye with my finger tip, to then stop at the top of his cheekbone
“You know who we think is behind this….?” Jörn asks hesitantly
“We?” I snicker “you-and-Willem?”
“And Stina.”
The way the light is angled can alter the tones of his eyes; they are ‘prism cells’, I think, as I do to his other eye the same
and say to him,
“put you mouth here….”
and point to mine
—but I don’t really wait
