Electra’s dictionary (& film noir); illumination; the dawn of Meaning, Life and Revelation Part 1 (jm muse chronicles)

dear dictionary.....


I stay in quiet counsel with myself off the penthouse rooftop that once presided over a black-panther’s citadel

and wonder as I think —do I seek Meaning or do I seek Truth or something else ?

because I sense with some deep knowing that this path is not random


The cotton-ball fog that presses within I know what it has to do with and every time —the moment— comes to face the face of truth ....the fog takes over and pulls me under ....because it is that moment

the moment I reach to press my hand up to the glass

.... I fear what is there. as it seduces me and emasculates as it fills me with wretchedness

even when you bang your head up to the severed glass wall, all the shattered selves that fall like confetti never get it out and not even the devices reach far enough inside to cleanse it out to deliver me from these things I cannot face

there is no escape

there is no outward, no inward where it does not follow me and there does not exist any real means, no priest, no doctor to reprieve to shed and light this darkness

And I think this, I think these thoughts as I wonder again about Life and Truth and Purpose

I know this is my journey

I know why I document


as bad as she was she was not as bad as he was but neither one was a parent to me

Apparently

and I found the doorway through

yes even the knight walked away .... and the way back got lost

but don’t waste pity there; it is only that she held the source that I need to find or.... it seems she holds the codes that are both real and symbolic because i believe that it holds some essential message that speaks as if from voices lost .... like those on caveman walls, or those long washed away in the timeless sand and I have always felt and do —caught in a current I have no control over, even as I try my best to surf it



But these thoughts get interrupted when I hear the scrape of a shoe

“Hej....” Andreas walks over to me where I’m sitting on the cement floor of the roof. He wears no coat, just jeans and a few layers of shirts and sweaters, all in various shades of blue. “You know there are actually chairs out here,” he says this in a teasing way and smiles at me looking a bit too much like his father which makes me wonder. He adds, “and a few couches.”

“Hmmm....” I say but turn to look at the sky instead and across the horizon of skyscrapers that seem, once again, like headstones; not to belabor a theme

He slides down the wall next to me and sits down,

“are you ok about .... you know,” and here he shrugs as he settles himself beside me

“You mean all the drama at Lincoln Center?” I ask him and sharply look at his face to read it for clues as he is at that age before they learn to be aware of the things that show

and I am granted a glimpse

I see it in his eyes.

I sigh,
“have you ever Googled your father?” still I watch

He smiles,
“I’m sure he does,” and laughs with a note of something like awe

“Did you know he has published things?” I ask him because it is only something I just found

Andreas tilts his head thoughtfully,
“I know he has written about music theory but you won’t find that on the internet....” but then he looks at me dropping the cavalier façade. “Are you really asking me about his Intelligence work for the government?”

“So you do know....?” I watch his expression

“Well....” he tries to hide his smile but then shrugs, “only recently.... I have always suspected ....” he smiles at me, “I’m surprise you know. I mean— he’d never tell my mother something like this.”

“But he told —you—?” I ask

he shakes his head,
“no. He never told me....” again he smiles, “but after the other night he can no longer deny it.”

I wonder what he means? So I read his face and study how his eyes look to and away from me

“Finally he just said— it was right after what happened and he asked me to walk you to your seat.... I mean, I just asked him again if he’s some kind of secret agent and I guess his way of telling me he just said ‘don’t tell your mother! Not a word about any of this!’ ....” his youthful azure eyes open wide to say his meaning as he looks directly into my eyes as he shrugs as if to say ‘obviously says it all’ “and not to tell Hanna. I guess my ‘farmor ‘ and ‘farfar’ know,” Andreas seems mostly amused and if not more than a bit impressed

I think about this looking at rooftops, only seeing other things

“He’s written about pathology,” I tell Andreas

“Pathology? Isn’t that ....” he hesitates as he seems unsure, “is that like criminal psychology?”

“It includes criminal psychology,” I say now with a heavy sigh and I say, “I don’t know why I just told you that but you can find it on the internet so it’s not like I’m saying this behind his back ....” only .... I think to myself, I just found this whilst sitting here with my phone before he stepped out

and I find this disturbing

“I can understand how it allows him to investigate —“

Andreas interrupts me,
“why would it be on the Internet?”

“It was an interview he did with the New York Times when he first joined the Lincoln Center Philharmonic....” I think as I say this and watch him for more hints, “the interviewer found out he has a degree in this .... and wanted to know how it relates to music ....” I glance at my phone as I still have the article open and I say, “and asked how your dad had come to have some things published in a few peer reviewed journals ....”

Andreas is genuinely surprised and almost shocked

“Well—so.... what did he tell him?”

“That it keeps his mind sharp for music,” I say and I laugh because that is his typical kind of reply to awkward questions and he has used that one on me

“So.... how much do you know, if you don’t mind if I ask you?” Andreas looks at me

I shrug,
“not much more.”

“Well, I thought it was weird when I saw him studying photographs of you before you guys met,” he laughs

“Wait!—what?” I sit up straight  and stare at him

“Skit!” and his face goes bright red

I look away.

Ja. Shit....

and lean my head into my hands covering my eyes trying to think

“What kind of photos?” I ask him

But I see he has now taken out a joint and sparks it inside his hoodie,

“here,” he says and hands it to me after taking a drag, “you seem like you need this....”

But at first I only stare still stuck on the revelations

none of this should be truly shocking if I were to be honest and it is not as if he directly lied. I would not jump to the conclusion that Jörn is a liar but he seems to favor .... not telling —is that lying? No, not really and .... I have had about a year to get used to the idea that he is a spy so how can I blame anyone but myself for knowing ....that Jörn has his secrets; in fact secrets are —his— MO.... but then, who am I to say about judging anyone’s dark secrets?

Or is it the weed frying me and influencing my thoughts? because .... it all doesn’t seem as bad now

sitting here with Andreas talking about it as if it is all very normal .... I mean, look who my father was —a politician and reverend who was adept at bending rules to fit his own self governed lifestyle and flaunted it all publicly without shame .... but he was not a bad person —a rebel with a cause and.... well, a bit wicked.... but, I think he had to be to let off some steam for all the civil rights laws he passed trying to put justice where none exists and eventually that nonexistence of justice beat him out —

“Here—“ Andreas socks me in the mouth with the joint

“Skit! dude,” I say, “give me some warning!” still; appropriately I take it from him with a kind of homage and salute, a gesture of a toast, “to Ethan Rhys-Jones,” I say and as I hand it back to him I ask, “aren’t you worried your dad will....”

but the rest of my sentence gets lost somewhere and I forget to finish it

“Oh. No. He said he thought you could use it so he sent me out here —and to get you.”

message in a bottle, notes to a stranger; Electra’s dictionary (jm muse chronicles as guide through hell)

At first the adrenalin seems to keep us from winding down after, as he sits up in bed with his laptop

but still, I hear the music echo in my head .... even as the fight in me is momentarily exhausted, I feel tension next to him —I want to know what he did to me and how he did it .... and I go over the bits my mind has not erased

is it that I should not trust him?

Or that I can’t trust him.... because I don’t know how ....? only how do I know the ones to trust?  the ones you feel the most for ....are the most dangerous

walls and masks like shields....nothing comes in and nothing ....


as I turn my side away from him, he reaches for me anyway

and pulls me inside his cocoon along with his laptop, no doubt doing his spy work; checking emails—indeed; as the cosmic ones await reply

I think about the pirate ....with the vampire eyes; those wise and tragic, ageless eyes with their wild and fierce beauty

and find I wonder why it is that she decides to trust him

Is it that he is the only barricade against a barbaric world —? as he is one of the tribe of a species she fears—does she find safety in him because he is the best defense?

only I know it is something else

something that lies inside the vampire eyes that haunt through lifetimes and never die

but my thoughts still persist disrupted and go in circles,

Gerald said a prize

Jörn puts his laptop down and reaches suddenly for me, but my mind is still much disturbed and I jolt and pull away from him which —upsets him....?

I think it is his reaction that surprises me.... he looks at me like ....

I am not familiar with what it means —because I don’t think, till now, I have ever seen him reveal anything

“What is it?” I ask him as it somehow shocks me

but he only looks at me like that .... and then we sit facing each other on his bed, my knees up to my chest

“You don’t trust me?” he says it like a slap as his eyes burn into me

and I find that I wonder at the anger in his eyes

—only no.... it is not anger. I am mistaken

He reaches for me anyway  ....and at first I want him to because of his eyes— something I have never seen.... but something makes me try to stop him and then I am confused ....

because I want to just go within myself ....

to try to understand what he did to me at the piano .... and I guess withdraw ....from him —because it is my defense and my oldest MO of all

 ....which is why

I start to fight him; I attack him physically with pathetic punches that barely land and kicks that hurt me more

“Do you really not trust me, duva? Even after all this time?” he takes my wrists and holds me down

“How do I know what you have been up to with all your secrets? What have you proven to me?” I ask, “you demand everything, don’t you? But what do you share?”

even as that is true, I think somehow.... I know.... that really, I am not really fighting him, am I? I am fighting something else; something inside a dark safe ....which he knows ....and he’s known it all along .... because he has been figuring me out


 ....or thinks he has—is it just for his spy collection jars? His dossier

“You think you’ve got me all figured out, don’t you?” I ask him, “like some notch in your belt.”

—I think, like his toy puzzle for his amusement ....trying to figure out how all the pieces go together for.... him to exploit? —once he has

“What are you talking about?” he says leaning over me and lets go my wrists, his hair now fallen loose from the tie during our struggle in long golden streams past his chin, and though caught by what I look at, seeing him as an artist sees a muse to paint, I think:

My code is my worth

—is that what Gerald meant?

a prize?

I stare at his mouth and reach up to touch him and put my fingers in his hair to feel its texture and then reach to pull his head to me to kiss him but he stops me and stares into my eyes

—prizes and pirate’s jewels and eyes like slate that dazzle like a pirate’s gems; such wise and tragic, ageless eyes with their fierce and wild beauty

“Do you really not trust me, duva?” he asks again and now he takes hold of both my wrists and pulls them over my head and looks down at me, then touches me like it is an unquenchable need....

no, not anger, it is something else

The following scene; Struck by chords and stranger notes

when he knocks on the door I say,
“no....” and lean against it. I feel somehow shaken ....



sometimes it is hard to filter out reason ....always shoot from the hip and look them in the eye and be fearless .... feel nothing

“Duva....?”

“Jörn, please....” I say through the door and feel the pulse beat in my head with pain ....feel nothing; I sit on the floor holding my head; and do the mantra — nothing comes in, nothing goes out —feel nothing; nothing comes in and nothing goes out and we are very very far away .... we feel nothing, ignore pain, we don’t feel it here inside

he pushes the door I lean against and I slide across the tile

it makes me sick again by the motion

“no! please go!” I say and feel the need to vomit again but as I’m empty, only am only able to heave,

still my stomach’s intention won’t relinquish and I feel it spasm through my skin; it is like razors inside

“Please go!” I say in between gasps and gagging but he ignores me and ....only then I vaguely I hear him say things to me as I double over wishing to die.... “what did you do?” I ask him angrily through retching and heaving as tears burn my eyes and smear my glasses, “what happened?” I ask him standing up dizzy and rinsing out my mouth but still heaving uncontrollably as I spit

 he says,
“breath....” and stands behind me and makes me stand still

never mind that he says it like an order which makes me shout at him,

“did you set me up?”

but again he says it,
“breath—“ and this time he presses his hand against my abdomen and says something into my ear

he says it in his language to me.... but I don’t know what it means ..... but he says it a few times in this strange way; not a chant but more like a nursery rhyme

it confuses my thoughts and derails wherever I meant for them to go

  even as I feel he has stopped the spasms with his hand ....I think—well, he caused it, and I think it with anger but wonder again over why .... he would —or why the blankness comes that always comes to cloud certain thoughts and yet I find I strongly suspect  —he knew what he was doing

And so I think in my confusion now

I ask, caught against him

“What happened back there, Jörn?”

I start to turn to look up at him but he catches me as my movement disrupts my equilibrium; that strange feeling in your eardrum


“It’s been a long night,” he tells me and as if in conclusion, he picks me up and takes me to his bed

“I saw Gerald before the concert, you know,” I tell him now and read his eyes. But he just gives me an odd look and pulls me into his lap and wraps my legs around him

“Why did you put your phone on silence?” he asks now

I don’t answer that

he did try to warn me about the evening’s danger

after.... I found all his messages

Instead I ask,
“do you have a GPS on my phone?”

“All phones have GPS,” he says, ignoring what he knows I mean


I look at him


Only no....

just because he can pull me into his lair, I wonder if maybe I should know better


“Duva.... “ he stares into my eyes

Electra’s dictionary; ‘Part 2 Film Noir ‘Drama at Lincoln Center’ (jm muse chronicles)





The concert was delayed twenty minutes and excuses made

and covers have to —it seems—remain  

they called it robbery which Jörn claimed to be an eye witness as a cover to explain why he ran after him and with the stir of another new conductor upset among ticket holders, keeping the status quo seems more important than calling attention to what really happened

they told everyone there and the news station that the person was taken to police custody after statements were hastily taken

but as I sat there still stunned on the floor after, I felt like I was still watching Jörn; like a trapeze artist, fly off the gallery and then do an Olympic sprint through the lobby after the mystery man

And for awhile I just sat there somewhat stunned thinking

So why should danger bring me to think about another image from another scene of danger and of running and ..... a pirate and a boat....?

unfinished business .....

as I let Frank pull me up from the floor



It does not register with me at first ....


  ....no, not at first

as it all happens so fast that it feels

events pull you in under its current and makes you part of its drama

At first I watch from the floor as Frank runs back over to me and helps me up

but I hear someone call to me and am surprised to hear such a familiar voice say in its familiar Dutch accent,

“Zo—are you da show stopper of da evening, da dawn ov legend?”

I turn,
“Wow, twice within six months—“

“Seven,” he corrects raising a silver brow at me and as far away as he is tall seems to shrink the surroundings as he shortens the distance between us with an ironic smirk

“Hello, Willem,” I say and notice he is much more neatly attired than last time

“I am to be your escort tonight,” and with exaggeration he offers me his arm

So, no, among other things, it does not register with me at first either about the six giant men who came from six different  directions from behind me as I stood up and ....as I watch Jörn jog back over

 —not even that most of the six were blond and the ones who were not, one had a shaved head and the other indistinct, which would tell me nothing except to leave me with more reasons to question —who is Jörn really connected with .... ?


Jörn comes over,
“are you all right?” he asks me with concern

“Who was that?” I ask him

But I see Jörn and Willem exchange glances, but then Jörn glances at Frank and then back to me and shrugs at me as he says,
“some guys who went to grab a woman’s phone—“ but now his eyes look at me dead-on to say something else to me and he says with just his mouth to me ‘later’  and raises pale brows

Jörn waits for Frank to leave before he goes on to say now,

“Ok, from this point on....” and Jörn looks from me to everyone else standing near by, “I’m not going to let these guys lose sight of you,” Jörn motions to the six big heavies with a kind of snap of his fingers as he says something in rapid fire Swedish that is beyond my current level of comprehension

“Body guards?” I get a chill that makes me queasy

He shrugs,
“we can’t let it leak to the press that anything —uh—political.... is going on—so, the show must go on. I will have you escorted to your seat and Willem will soon join you  —I’ll see you after the concert, duva,” and without warning presses his mouth across my lips, “you’ll wait with Willem,” he tells me

And of all people I would least expect, it is Andreas who comes walking over

“Andreas?” I watch him walk towards me

He smiles,
“are you ok?”

“Oh—well....” as I’m not sure what to say I wait for him

“I heard all the commotion ....” he smiles but glances around and we both see Jörn and Willem head towards the auditorium but I notice Jörn turn to see Andreas as they both acknowledge each other with a nod, “I’m here with Madison,” he adds and it is only because of the way he seems to hide a blush that it occurs to me that this must be the name of his girlfriend; his ex Juilliard instructor

I look around for her

“She’s waiting at our seats —I just came to bring you....” he looks around and it is just a small mannerism about him so much like his father that tells me

And so I follow Andreas up and down hallways

He says,
“are you all right?” As we stand just outside the seating area and as it is time the concert begins, all I can do is nod as I study him a bit longer and I meet his eyes.

I say,
“so how much do you know?”

I see how his mouth tenses to hide a smile but then he just winks at me

*************

As I sit among the audience I am aware of the inconspicuous six men and —the others across the way on the other side of the platformed stage

and once the performance has begun I think about what Jörn once told me —how his spy work keeps his mind sharp for the music

or was it the other way around?

And as I watch him among the orchestra with his cello, his timing so perfect..... his moves so graceful .... you would not think he just intercepted a perpetrator and I wonder how disciplined must he be to focus so well? It is almost hypnotic to watch the way his bow glides and sweeps, as if an extension of himself, and how to listen and watch him is to fall under his spell and I almost don’t even notice when Willem joins me to sit down next to me

**************


It is after the concert that first Willem brings me to a small room downstairs by the lobby.

When we go inside there is Jörn with the six men and..... the man who threw me down!

I gasp loudly as I enter the room as I was under the impression he was at police head quarters

What is going on....?

“Duva! Come here,” Jörn waves at me from behind a table where he sits facing the man .... who I notice is handcuffed behind his back

I walk around and glance at the person awkwardly cuffed to the chair

He could be anyone

I don’t recognize anything about the person and I wonder now about the other one.... the one who did look familiar

and it occurs to me to know from where

I walk over to Jörn and he talks to me as if there is no one else there. He reaches for me and asks in my ear,
“are you all right?”

I look now into his eyes and wonder as I fall into them, what is it about him that makes me ....

“Yes,” I say

“Do you recognize this man?” Jörn asks me loud enough for everyone

“No,” I say but I feel him touch me under my coat out of sight of anyone there

“Henrik—“ Jörn waves to one of the giants “ta bort honom!” and points to the handcuffed person

After they go Jörn talks to the remaining five with Willem and as I try to listen they mostly go over details of what they saw from where they stood and what they heard others say

But I don’t want to hear any more .... and mostly I find I am more overwhelmed with the slow dawning that Jörn is not just some mere peon on the scale of his espionage work as it clearly is obvious everyone this evening seem to ....work for him

the strange dawning of this thought of him ....this image I get.... not unlike the vampire pirate

Instead.... only — as some dark ruler of an underworld.... of spy games

All the way on the ride from Lincoln Center I see over and over the image of Jörn jumping from the gallery and am so lost in thought that when he says,

“duva....?”

to indicate the cab is stopped at our building that I return to my surroundings

As we go up he asks calmly,

“are you still angry at me about this morning?”

“This morning?” I ask

He looks at me with a kind of guilty expression that confuses me as he indicates with a nod

“This morning....?” I whisper again to myself as the elevator stops at his floor and as we walk out, he presses his hand to my waist to urge me along to his door as I am distracted and try to think— this morning?

“You don’t remember our.... discussion this morning?” he gives me a doubtful smile which

 ..... then makes me laugh.

“Yes!” I say because it is something in his smile that reminds me but I say, “was that only this morning? Oh, your piano arrived,” I say as we walk in and it is obvious but I say it anyway

“Yes, I see,” he says thoughtfully looking at it as we walk in

But then he stops and looks at me with such distraction that I stare at him a long moment. What does it mean ....

but instead he unbuttons my coat and takes my coat from me. I watch him go to hang it in his coat closet and then remove his and do the same

He hesitates but then says,

“they’ll be coming back here.....” he watches me and walks over, “it’s going to be a long night....” but he leads me out through the passage between his door to the penthouse. He presses the code and we walk through

I go along because I know there is more than he is able to tell me. I decide to wait before asking him anything

We go to the office of what had once been Ethan’s.

As we enter, it is obvious Jörn has been using it as his own for quite awhile. And it makes me wonder how many trips he has taken during the time we have been up north.

The dark wood paneled walls, although still polished, seem as if..... to have a fresher patina —that seems born of a new era but also I see a tack board with scraps of notes and information next to printouts of people’s pictures

I also notice more equipment than would have previously never been in technology and more monitors and mysterious devices

The four club chairs that face the heavy cherry wood desk have neat stacks of envelopes on the tables beside them

“Would you mind doing me a favor?” Jörn asks me looking around at each chair as if he is imagining the person they represent and then looks at me

“Ok?” I say

“Would you mind making coffee?”

*******

What unfinished business?

Because I do fall asleep waiting for his evening meeting with his guests to end but find I wake up and it is the middle of the night.


And now cannot fall back to sleep ....especially as now I can’t stop thinking of all the wild events of the evening —actually, from start to finish


I go to the window that looks out over the street and then sit in the wing chair by it and stare at the grand piano that just this morning arrived. It looks like the other one back at the Barn house but this one is older with a deeper gloss. I pull my legs up and consider the events as I write into my phone


Because now I think about the oddness of bumping into Gerald. Although, not so odd, really, because he lives by the Met and ..... but I think about our conversation

What was it that made Gerald suddenly change his mind?

Jörn finds me writing into my phone

“You can’t sleep either?” I ask him. He answers with a distracted shrug and a half kind of smile at me as I watch him walk over to the ‘new’ piano —which is an old piano, actually. A restored Steinway rescued from sea damage from Hurricane Sandy, and which is why the restoration company wants Jörn’s review

He wears just the black trousers of his suit, with just the sinewy of muscle to fill out the rest.

I watch him go to the piano. And watch him move. I like the way his hair falls loose in the light

He walks around the piano deep in thought,

“So, the guy, you wanted to know?” his fingers begin with a strong intro, “he works with that terrorist group I told you about awhile back,” but he says this casually as if discussing the dry cleaning as he is listening to each piano key with careful calculation

“What terrorist group?” I ask alarmed

“The one I told you about. I said someone you once knew had connections with ....”

“Retnuh Nivek....” I whisper somehow remembering the conversation

I realize what he plays is from his opera. This is the newer version which I recognize .... his revision has a more sinister quality I have noticed

“Come here,” he says and he moves to pull me to sit within his long legs.

He takes my hands and lays them on the keys and slides his fingers through mine— in that way that he does; that we do; a kind of repertoire we have and always do with a slow deliberation, like a lover’s conversation and is always erotic

We play some chords together and it begins the way it usually does until .... something in the chords change, his fingers over mine .... he presses and as I move to change the chord to one of our habit, he places my fingers differently .... my fingers stumble and the chord is off; he presses my fingers back in place to do it again and this time the right hand responds

only it is the third repeat of this that I begin to feel ill

a heat and a pain .... I pull my hand free and realize my hand has gone all sweaty

“I’m going to be sick!” I say and push away from him towards the bathroom to vomit





Electra’s dictionary, Film Noir; part 1: Drama at Lincoln Center (jm muse chronicles)

As there is time after the piano is delivered I head over to the Met

it is the only refuge in the city that still feels most like home

I don’t know if it is the art or the history but I tend to favor certain parts and avoid others. There is a part that is like their catacombs; a kind of warehouse of hidden works that are not displayed but rather just tucked away and stored. An entire secret and very different museum —within a very public one.

Maybe I identify

I like to go there and see the unknown and ignored lost voices; anonymous and unheard of

.... those lost and forgotten unsung souls of unknown artists that nobody ever knew

 but

whose works are worth the muse


which makes me think about Jörn and I suppose I never have stopped to consider his effect on me and even more, those things about him that makes him my perfect muse

like those things about himself that he never says

Those things about himself that he never shares


Even as I joke about his being something of a Spock. But I know he isn’t. Not really. I also know that the art that he creates, his work, could not be as passionate if human emotion was an alien concept to him. I have seen and been inside the den within; it’s there inside his eyes, that place I recognize and know because I recognize all his masks

in many ways he is my mirror

sometimes the self can only be recognized by one upon it best reflects; that sees past the smoke and mirrors who can throw a better and more kinder light, because I see it in the way he pounds the piano keys that he is his own worst critic and should try to dare to dream a little more and be a lot more kinder to himself. Andreas says his father could never write the opera until he met me but it was not me who gave him the idea nor the composition .... there is something unspoken between us. A communication and conversation never said out loud .... and we seem always to say —without ever having to utter the words. But more than anything I do long to hear his words

Because reflections also illuminate as to shed light on .... what was always there

I think it has something to do with something beyond what he may show the world that I can see in him....the energy of him and ....it is so easy for me to believe in all that he is and all that he can be, with all his bluster I don’t think he was ever as convinced no matter how good he is at convincing everyone that he has a kind of brilliance which is more than playing a government spy and more than a member of an orchestra.

I think again of my favorite quote by Cocteau, “mirrors should reflect before throwing back images” and I think too of his Orpheus and —think of Muses

as I walk through the museum passages

And as well, I think of the language of artists and their stories like Elan, washed away in the sand and so many histories of trials and tribulations.... lost in the sand; like the pictures found on caveman walls with their stories and meanings left behind ....like lost messages in bottles never found

It is awhile that I walk around and then after I head out I hear someone calling my name which always gives me such a start

but it turns out to be Gerald and he runs over to me, bundled up in his navy blue pea coat he pulls me away from a throng of tourists

“I knew I’d bump into you somehow,” he tells me with concern but looks me over, “wow, nice dress! —you look gorgeous, are you going out?”

“Just to Lincoln Center for Jörn’s concert,” I say and have to close my coat against the damp chill and so stop to button with a shudder against the wind

“Yes.... right.... Jörn....” he studies me in such a way that unnerves me

“Actually, I should head over,” I tell him with concern and take out my phone to see the time

He notices my shoes, I see because he stares and smiles when he says,
“let’s grab a cab, do you mind if I just tag along? I’ll cover the ride....” because it is a long walk

This makes me look sharply at him,
“did you have a dream?”

He does not have to say because his eyes reply with such vocabulary as to give me another chill

“What was it?” I ask

But he sees a taxi and rushes to the curb to wave it down

On the way he still looks at me,
“are those Prada?” he still looks at my shoes as if hypnotized

“E-Bay,” I tell him, “fifty dollars never worn —so? What is it?”

“I am worried about your safety,” he says oddly and with a distracted expression he stares through to the front of the cab, “what is it — do you know? I mean about what he is doing....” but remembers to drop his voice and glances subversively at the back of the driver’s head.

He says in a lowered tone that is almost a whisper,

“is there some information he is trying to get out of you?”

Gerald never brings anything up unless there is some important significance

I have to think. Of course I think about the safe back at the farmhouse

“Hmm.... why?” I ask

“You know how I told you that the reason souls return to each other in another life has to do with unresolved business ....?”

This makes me have to turn away not wanting him to examine my reaction.... as I think carefully .... yes, because I had thought about this as well quite a lot lately

Gerald says,
“I was thinking the other day how it isn’t so surprising that in this incarnation his other line of work —“ and he stops without saying to indicate his meaning and continues, “and before..... the parallels of lives are usually obvious in their meanings but hopefully in each new experience we evolve ....”

When we reach our destination there is still an hour to kill so we go to the cafe to talk

“There is some information he seems to need,” I admit drinking hot chai but take out my compact to check my lipstick

“Why?” he watches me

“It’s to do with his.... work....” I look from my lips to his face and then go back to my lips once more before I shut the compact

“I know you can’t tell me,” he says

I look carefully at him and then hold my hands over the cup for the heat which I do because I am always freezing,
“are you saying I am in danger from Jörn?”

He thinks for a moment and scratches his head through his thick hair that is a bit rumpled,

“well, I thought so at first —until....”

“Until....?”

“Until just now..... “ he looks at me again and seems uncomfortable suddenly as he studies me without wanting to seem like he is studying me

I take my phone out again to check the time

He says,
“is this information something you are reluctant to share with him?”

“Oh. No. Reluctant? Well.... I don’t remember.”

“You don’t remember what he wants to know?”

“Right.”

“You mean, it’s something you just can’t think of now or —“

“It’s.... buried memory....” I look at him.

“Repressed memory ....” he says and nods.

I take out my compact again

and add more lipstick ....only it’s the lights —isn’t it?

I use the paper napkin and blot ....

I finally say,
“well, it isn’t like something I have not thought about. I mean— I don’t think I should say what it is about. It’s .... well, I guess political—? no, more it’s — hmm, I don’t really know but....”

“It’s something you saw?”

“No. Not like I witnessed some heist or something—“

“Yet he was a Viking in his past life,” Gerald says it as if it is a basic fact and hardly notices the shocked reaction of a nun sitting nearby that I see reflected in my mirror

I consider .... maybe it’s the color ..... and wonder if I brought another lipstick only .... I notice something else reflected in the compact mirror

There is someone across the way who I see using opera glasses and looking right at me

“Maybe we should go,” I say now and consider what’s left in my cup as I am starting to feel uneasy. And check the time

“Let me walk you to the entrance,” Gerald says, “how long are you going to be in town?”

“He doesn’t know,” I tell him

As we walk in the direction of where everyone is now heading, he lightly touches my shoulder through my coat to hold back a moment,

“listen— just make sure that whatever it is he is trying to find out ....make sure it is for the right reasons and —not for some prize in diplomacy.”

“Some prize?” I stare at him. Why would he use that word ....?

“Or ....I mean—for some political coup....”

We agree to meet to talk and as we part ways I head to the entrance and towards where I usually go only I realize that I drank tea and won’t make it through the whole concert without going to pee first

I get a bit lost looking where to go and find myself in an unfamiliar part but there is at least a nice bathroom with decent lighting

“Oh there you are,” it is Frank, I bump into as I leave the restroom, Frank, who is a guard who works there and usually helps me find my seat, “Jörn said to find you because you haven’t been answering your texts.”

“I haven’t?” I take out my phone and notice a lot of texts I missed, “I guess I hit the silence button.”

I check my coat and take the ticket for it. We have reached the main lobby and as we head through there is a loud shout suddenly. It sounds like someone shouts, “look out!” but then there is a burst of commotion

“What’s going in?” I ask Frank only as I ask somebody starts running towards me. And I realize it is the guy with the opera glass!  —but not in time ....to avoid —because I am thrown onto the ground as in confusion another runs after as somebody screams

What makes me turn my head then? Because I see someone in the far corner quietly watching me and ....I get such a queer feeling I have seen him before. Along with this a feeling I don’t like.

I start to bolt out of pure instinct despite Frank telling me to stay still. Never mind that Prada’s are not the best for running. It is something almost surreal to notice someone jump from the next level from the wide grand staircase off the gallery down what would seem a whole flight

it is even more surreal to realize that it is Jörn as he comes running towards me but as he reaches me he says,
“don’t move, stay here!” before he peels off after the last guy who ran past as I watch Jörn sprint across the lobby with everyone watching too; the crowd parts like the Red Sea so that it is possible to watch the chase continue

It all happens so fast and so surreal that I just stand there watching as he tackles the guy to the floor ....

back in NY, Rushing off to concert Noir/Electra’s dictionary (jmmusechron) 22 Jan 2020

“So how long do you think you have to be here for?” I ask him

as I watch him prepare to leave for Lincoln Center.

“You mean the philharmonic?” he asks, but talking to his reflection in the mirror

“Yes. Isn’t that why we came back?”

“Oh, that reminds me, uh— “ he tears himself away from his reflection, “can you be here for ....the piano delivery....?”

“Piano....? ....you’re having it brought back here.... so you plan to stay?”

“It’s a different piano,” he shrugs this off as he shakes his head irrelevantly and then nervously goes through his routine again; pockets, time and ....reflection— but asks, looking at himself, “can you? One o’clock?” he asks

“A different piano?” I ask but ....he’s still doing that
“Why a different piano, Jörn? Where do you get the money from?”

“It is not my piano,” he says to himself in the mirror to me and still without turning away

“No? So, you’re renting it?”

“It’s kind of like an AirBnB kind of thing,” he tells me abstractly , “so, you’ll be here?”

“Like, you get their piano and they get....?”

“A review of how their piano performs— so, one o’clock—can you be here?” he asks

“You’re doing a review?”

“Duva!” he suddenly is enraged and turns as he shouts at me, “can you just answer my question!”

“Yes!” I shout back at him and walk away

I start towards the front door of his apartment and stop by the door

then go blank .... and realize something as I stare at the floor

I turn back away from the door to head back in for my phone as I hear him shouting my name

we literally collide into each other and I’m momentarily pinned to the partition between the rooms thrown against it. Which could have hurt if he had not stopped the impact taking the force of it as he asks,

“Are you ok?”

only I give him a dirty look

“I’m sorry,” but he still holds my arm and now looks at it as he runs his finger tip over my skin and too closely he studies a scar. I watch his eyes as he glances away from it to me to read my eyes; I see the question

“Ok,” I say and stare into his eyes. Slowly I say, “you’ll be late.... I’ll be here for the piano....”

but now I see he feels guilty

He starts to say something but changes his mind and says,
“thank you,” but still he holds my arm

“You’ll be late,” I say

He hesitates and studies me,
“I don’t know how long we will be here for, to answer your question, and.... I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“Ok....” I say and sigh but then I say, “what about the table? Isn’t it still back there?”

“Table?”

“Yes. And the safe.”

He looks away and lets go my arm,
“you saw the table....” he thinks now as he says this, “the night you and Andreas were getting high in the farmhouse —that was ....the night of the news— my opera—I completely forgot.... well, they both weigh a ton —they would have to bull doze the house to get it, I had them build a concrete inner wall so.... I’m not worried and I installed alarms and cameras in there.”

No wonder he knew what we were up to

“They.... Jörn.... it’s not just the orchestra you’re here for, is it?” I ask

Jörn checks his watch,
“can we talk about this later?” he starts to reach for his coat and cello but on his way he stops and comes back to me as if to embrace me but stops himself and says first, “will you come tonight?”

He asks now .... even as I have gone to every one of his performances. I wonder if he knows why .... why it is that I go ....?

he says,

“....please,”  as he pulls me to him and goes to kiss me

I say,
“yes,” because he waits to hear. And as he goes I remember something else, “when is Hanna coming back?”

“I’m not sure, why?”

“Well, she has some groupies that show up now and I don’t know who they are, but they’re always camped around the lobby downstairs, haven’t you noticed?”

Jörn sighs,
“I’m aware, the doormen mentioned....I’ll find out what’s going on—” he starts for the door but stops as he passes me and says, “will you wear the houndstooth dress?”

the vampire waltz through hell on the deep and savage path; Electra’s dictionary (jm muse chronicles)

****The Next Level Introduction and Opening Scene (note footnote below):

“Wrap me up in always

Drag me in with maybes....

“Breathing underwater

And living under glass....

“The secrets of your dreams ....

“is not quite what it seems

To appear to disappear 

Your darkest fears

I believe in never 

I believe in all the way

But belief is not to notice 

Belief is just some faith

And faith can help you to escape....”

from the Smashing Pumpkins song  https://youtu.be/xzZh4fdaUpk  ‘Thru the Eyes of Ruby’ written by Billy Corgan from the album ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’

The Next Level

As we launch into another level  within the passages of a mind and past the stages and murals of a dictionary to sketch a casual outline of introduction 

We enter Here

There was something that always used to happen in my psycho therapy sessions. I would be saying something and then suddenly I would go blank. I would completely forget what I just said and what we were talking about. And when she pressed me to continue after reminding me what was said, I would suddenly begin to tremble so uncontrollably that my jaw would almost dislocate. Sometimes this still happens if I am somehow put into a sense of the danger 

Lately it has been happening and more than once or twice 

it is when my mind goes blank that is disturbing to me because I can feel myself doing this; feel the folds wrap around and pull me away as if jettisoned ....it has been years since this has happened and since seeing my sister again after over a decade and my nephew’s suicide, it seems to have brought things up; those long buried dysfunctional road signs.... I had forgotten the fog ..... until this had returned in happening; it is a pressure on the top of the skull and a fog pressing in against the thoughts; like thick cotton balls pressing into the skull

it is what Dr. Rothschild told me was my built-in self-defense mechanism 

It has not been writer’s block that has kept me from my words in my dictionary

it is these thick cotton balls 

against my skull 

and the trembling.... and the return of the anxiety attacks I thought I outgrew. But they are back and taken a firm hold of me

....which is why I knew I needed  to paint again

 —besides the tactile need I have as an artist to physically immerse into my work, it releases the boundaries that keep me straightjacked within my self imprisonments 

The symbolisms of pictures are ways to hide within designs and illusions 

....become clear and present; 

it is where I live

I know that the story has lead its way up here and lead us intentionally here —and like my methods of trusting blind direction in how I work both visually and poetically 

as directed from the center 

because that is the madness which cuts the path from its obscure source

As part of the maze; this labyrinthian spiral to the lost center of Celf; as the dictionary moves into the deeper cross section of cerebral passages through the Waters of Lethe, I find I keep reflecting on the summer and the year after which started to change things .... the year after my freshman year of high school as it occurs to me how this subtle change was an indication to ..... how everything that happened and.... was all part of the dominos crashing down like a henge of stones

the story levels as symbols and symbols of levels of walls

Like BC and AD, the dawn before the assault and the dawn after .... were night and day; it changed me drastically in how I looked and dressed, my mannerisms, my shame and the way I guarded my body and my sex 

that was what he wanted; to ruin me. 

before it happened, even as I was always shy, there had been offers; a part in Swan Lake, modeling, literary publishing 

He wanted to shut me away not to outshine her so he taught me a lesson in humility to know my place

On the other side of the wall —his side; we see her as the hated bastard of a notorious man and a constant reminder of his wife’s infidelity .... 

only back then I did not know this was what I was and until years later, 

but I did know that I did not deserve to be there; in his house, or wearing new clothes, breathing, no basic right to eat food, nor taking up space 

my intuition also heightened after the experience

 .... what Retnuh Nevek said to me about my father during the night of horror 

I knew 

I think it was my pride that forced me into the silence I withdrew into for months after

months. years. and always 

And people never question what they can’t see..... withdrawn to the silence of shadows, this dawn was not meant to ever see the light of day, was never meant to be seen nor heard and so, eventually it became the ammunition and safety that I chose to remain within because I built inside a fortress  nobody could get in made of murals and smoke and mirrors. This wall, though it is invisible, is as impenetrable as steel; it is invincible 

****************************************

Opening Scene of The Next Level; View from a Window

the NY view never changes; like those endless streams of red and glaring white lights of vehicles that sliver through the streets; that inconspicuous snake-in-the-garden; the vertebra of an endless spine that builds with the bones upon which it destroys to support a self serving system. And so in parallel, I think of a snake.... another snake ....a snake in the grass with her demon flesh; one that it seems should not get away. I watch with my views, I watch a view and see the frauds pretending as everyone pretends along because those they enlist are afraid to say what they think and are afraid to think for themself; like the secret handshake which I never got; nor the accent

their smiles are as sincere as their inflicted contracts of catch phrases, hurled as small talk that is their self appointed right to threaten  you with

still, obviously, it is me who is the freak ..... I pace back and forth as if I feel the venom that eats at me

I can accept that I am a freak 

“What are you talking about?” Jörn asks

“Did I say that out loud?” 

“You mean about last night?” he asks, “yes, actually, you’re right —you are a freak,” and laughs 

He wears running clothes that make him look like a ninja as he stands by the sound equipment listening with the headphones on.... or so I thought 

He puts them down and walks over to me ....it is strange to be back here— especially now as we are finally alone for the first time in months it seems —yes, it is months, actually 

Everyone has left now; that is, Josef and Elsa returned home and joined the rest of the family for Christmas 

he is more relaxed with everyone gone I have noticed.... he is not as quick out of bed 

And Andreas ....spent Christmas with —his ex instructor ....that seems to be signaling that things are more serious than we realized between them as she has now left her husband 

“The age difference!” Jörn says now

“It’s about what ours is,” I point out; he gives me a sharp look and then goes back to his sound mixing and then I think he has dropped it when suddenly minutes later he counters,

“but you’re not my instructor!”

in its own odd way, makes me think about something his mother said to me .... it was at the airport just before they left.....

but he —interrupting my thoughts— adds,

“but then you look fourteen.”

“Great—ja jag är den ultimata femme fatalen, tack så mycket—at least we’ve moved on from the toy-poodle-handbag-accessory and preteen-fashion-remarks-committee.”

he doesn’t hear me, not even paying attention as he goes to look over some sheet music. I watch him write down some notes and then walk over to the window to absently think —but then pace back again to where he began 

I ask, because I’ve been wondering this,

“does it ever bother you how fucked up the world is?” 

“Why do you think I’m a spy?”

“I thought you said you don’t call yourself that.”

“No, but you do,” he says, back to scribbling notes, “why don’t you tell me what is bothering you?”

“I thought the reason you’re a spy is because you like picking things apart and decoding riddles.... Jörn—do you think, ever— as artists.... like, as you write your opera —you speak from the human soul or heart? Like —to the humanity of your audience.... ? —and not just —this—way, but also through what you try to convey when you are performing?” I search his eyes to see what he really thinks behind the dazzle of slate kryptonite

“You are such an idealist,” he says simply and then he gets distracted “.... but you just made me think of something,” he says now stopping what he’s writing and mumbles.... “undermedvetna social skuld .... han skuld....” his expression changes as he sinks into thought. 

And after some reflection he says, in English but, still mostly to himself, “the dove.... she is his penance —for his savagery as a warrior.... his guilt ....over what he did to her family.... the responsibility —you have just given me an idea.... it totally changes the tone but it makes sense, the battlefields and the awkwardness of plunder; like an embarrassment of riches....” the intensity of his look increases as he stares at me with a kind of enigmatic wonder 

“What?”

“I know how to end the opera .....” he runs his fingers through his hair wildly in a manic kind of way before he says, “now I have to rework .... the entire opera....” but then laughs with a kind of euphoric madness as he grabs hold my face, and with an exaggerated, intended, loud smack, kisses my mouth, “you are a genius, duva,” and then leaps to his cello, grabbing his bow, pen and blank sheet music pad

****pardon errors; some I corrected but as I am dyslexic, I don’t always notice ‘auto-correct’ often changes words and tenses which can severely mislead my intended meanings. And I know I have a tendency to leave out words or repeat words as dyslexics do because the letters are always moving, I don’t see what I write