And as I stare up so wistfully at that tiny phantom of a helicopter speck that is not even there
I hear Jörn make the oddest—and yet—familiar sound. Like an apologetic cough before,
“jag är ledsen, duva….”
I do turn my head quick —but!lights out!! All goes dark like dreamless sleep
….was there a prick, a jab?I don’t know ….
I have become so rather lost in thoughts. I have digressed so many times.
as things keep interrupting my thoughts—yes,
so I forget where threads got left hanging there
can you imagine a thought like that?yes, that is what this sort of open-knot-work has become
;some spider who gets interrupted
and all the weave
is fraying
and the spider is left hanging
I wonder if this is the lesson after all —the net cannot hold the trapeze artist.
Only some of you will get that.
Or caught in her own weave?
I don’t know….
so, it seems I get so rather lost in my thoughts on some dusty road whilst running away from constant surveillance;the suspicious eyes of a retired agent …. and only want to get
Lost ….
But actually do
and even my phone seems to be caught in Bermuda’s Triangle; a tiny wheel inside it mocks me as it spins for several long minutes where google maps is claiming to be
so get out of the car and look around realizing there is nothing around.
but does it really matter.
I half think I purposely got myself lost here so as
….I’d not have to go back.ever.but now it is quite terrifying to realize no one will look for me.or know I was here.or came here.or care.
Those moments when you evaluate your life. And yourself.sometimes I wonder how it felt for Moses coming down from the mountain
There is a random old log sitting on the dusty dirt road and so I sit down on it and try and clear my thoughts.
What have I gained from all this exploration ….have I learned?
Yes.actually. And documented it all here in code.
And had I ever tried to go mainstream in the past it would have been a waste of time, and I always knew this but then —I guess I believe the world wasn’t ready for anything I had to say. But that was true for Socrates. But he was Socrates. But how would anyone have known of him had he never tried to argue? But he was Socrates.
this is the debate team in my head.and so I do actually feel about to fall apart there right in the middle of that depressing dirt road when out of nowhere I hear the loudest helicopter overhead and ….speaking of spiders ….something drops down very much like one —with golden hair
“Duva—I know you said you want no part of our schemes—“ as if he was just returning from the shops, hardly taking a breath
“I —never—actually ….said that….” I stare at him
And then look up as I see the helicopter from the hover just suddenly takes off
I look up at Jörn and then at the car,
“uhhh—I’m lost and I’m having car issues so….” I look back up at the now long gone helicopter
of course I could not write of Jörn’s case from last year as things happened and there are gaps on here where I have had to leave out details since about around this time last year as he was in deep cover —somewhere ….close to where the war has been— let us say for now
I realize now that he was lying to me even further back
it is later and I am back at the penthouse.I pace the bedroom like a mad woman ….like a mad woman ….disappearing photos…. yes, mad woman, indeed—who used to say that—those old Greek choruses never shut up….Paris was a lie too I guess, and this new shock —I feel so sick ….I go to the window and —think ….
then realize the view from his kitchen is right where I’m standing ….
and he is watching me….what is it then?— either let me go or come clean ….I want to tear through all the false promises with just one scrap of proof that ….
any of it was real ….to think he just wanted to play me for a fool makes me
I draw the drape in one raging move and turn my back to it
how can I ever think I actually meant anything to him if he could be so duplicitous with zero qualms for all his disregard toward me —so I rage at the walls for awhile ….and stomp across the bedroom looking up at the walls feeling as if I am thoroughly trapped by them
and want to run.but where. and so tired of running.
