He says to me, 

“for me…. all you have to do is write and know whose woman you are.” I love the things he says to me

passing the baton to: JM chronicles/film noir

How altered I feel now. And to find myself back at the barn house again; as if nothing ever happened 

I think about the last few weeks as I stare looking across the length of the room to the window that faces the farmhouse.

But I remain where I am. Reluctant to get out of bed. 

The night of the retirement party …. feels like an eternity ago —straight from Latitude and still in my Christmas sweater, he throws me into the Swedish UN in the barn house living room. There’s Elsa dripping diamonds in her gilded gown (alliterations unintended)

well— it was Josef’s ‘retirement’ (but do we really believe he will ever retire?) as much as the passing of the baton ….everyone was there. I recognized Marcus; the director from the time in the Hamptons. Of course the usual suspects; Stina, Smulligan

I did have to work it too because Elsa, once she scared away the catering crew, wrapped an apron around me and joined the guests! It was like being back at Starbucks behind the barista machine with a massive line and my entire staff quit on me. You don’t forget how to juggle but how dare she?

Why don’t I care ….? I feel calm, so relaxed; considered and cared for and whole somehow

Andreas was there but only about ten minutes as he was rushing back to Lincoln Center.

They put a helicopter land behind the house —an interesting new feature Jörn came up with so it’s like a commute to Manhattan and the noise!

I was too busy to enjoy the party and exhausted after. But somehow it is like Jörn’s family has bonded to me now. That shut out feeling isn’t there anymore, I feel included which ….I've never felt or known before 

The last clear day I could get out before the snows hit I was on my way back to the house and my mind was on the smeden…. from the regressive memories …. the barn house from the drive up looks like a Viking longhouse and suddenly I remembered something about —that time

dictionary, dearest

he knows my ways,  it is like our own choreography. it is intuitive with him; we move so easily together …. sometimes I think —this is why— this is what makes sense…. no words needed, I think, I feel, I breathe him.i am content within his arms….how much I’ve missed this ….but no, I can never tell him, must not ever say ….but now—right now….i know peace 

JM muse chron/Electra’s dictionary and film noir “I don’t exist”

“Try to remember the sequence of events….” 

we are ….we are —where? I’ve not been sleeping —there seems to be some kind of ….ominous warning comes lately to me whenever I sleep 

I am half mad lately. Such weird things in the dreams thst I just can’t will myself back into sleep 

“What happened first?” 

Oh….  it is Jörn’s voice.

It is present. I am confused. 

“What?” I say 

“The time with the ….the time you had your first episode as a child,” he says now with a soft and most reluctant sigh

but even thst feels ….

    as if it belongs to some other life …. who was that little girl? where did she go? no, she just disappeared, don’t think about her anymore …. sometimes I know it is wrong. We ought to honor her. But she just couldn’t stay. And was just not tough enough. I guess we don’t like her for that. But we keep the guard anyhow. 

“What time?—oh—the buckle scar?— I was five …. “ unconsciously I put up my hand to where it hit and wonder why it matters to Jörn to ask me this—is it twisted in the codes of the hidden medallion?

Jörn walks back and worth in front of me.

He says,

“Duva ….” and it is his voice 

You see. It catches me off guard. He kneels down to where I am sat watching the black forest night view behind the piano. I watch into the void through thst two story plate glass window. Even as I know what he plays…. as he stops and steps away …. I still see the shadows on the wall of those bats as I hear hear him play those familiar keys 

   it lulls my mind back ….

          there

His voice is up against my ear but I am drowning because I know what he is going to say,

“think….when did he stop coming? Before or after the incident?”

it is like a rush of golden white light.

“After.”

And the clear. The clouds break away.

He says,

“but not right away,”

“No…. no…. It was much later ….it was because of what happened ….”

but I cannot speak. I try. I go cold. 

He says,

“that’s enough for now….” he lifts me and carries me from the floor 

press the button and hesitate

 

….i wasn’t like them…. !   I was nothing like them! I never understood how I landed there. They talked about the most mind numbing things ….

Neimen Marcus ….Macys…. white sales; pot roast recipes, latkas and dry cleaning 

when engrossed in politics I was…. equality…. Philosophy…. spirituality ….they thought I was some kind of freak at home and ….you know, that just …. made no sense in …. the living room after some …person—cousin?—‘s …. bar mitzvah and slouched into the velvet seat of the chair cringing ….dying….aunt ida—someone ….they were speaking alien to me

fish market remarks 

my mind on weird concepts of humanity

where did that even come from ….?

“….DNA memory” 

  [voice in background]Dr Rothschild said

all day ….unaccounted time*

the tape rolls ….

“ ….there was always this very wild side to my nature….to me

    I could not contain it.i could not deny it. and it got me in trouble so often….” 

The tumbling emotions crash; (jmmuse)

“There’s always been rumor I exist,” I shrug now after a deep breath. 

Identity?

I get up and walk around the room….strange to be back here again ….back at the barn house in our old bedroom. 

“You get used to hiding ….” I glance up at Jörn sideways to see if he is looking at me and he is 

I turn my back a bit. Take a deep breath ….

“one day —I was a teenager in Holland ….it was this one day in Amsterdam. I stepped away from my family —the Calvestraat…. I got approached by an Italian fashion photographer —well known then, he gave me his card and said they were searching for a new face— he told me he could make me famous—that I had an itgirl face and that I would be the next face of Clinique ….” I laugh now 

shrug

“It is just as well but ….of course it was forbidden!” 

The card shredded up. I could never stand out. It was law. I am nobody. I don’t exist. 

It is hard to always process the road blocks intentionally put in my may to destroy me ….it can make me crazy if I let myself really comprehend the masterminds involved 

You learn to hide ….all the very things I desired were roadblocks against me. I didn’t understand as a young person. I blamed myself. I never knew what it was; why …. it was me; something cursed ….i just didn’t get it until the sessions with Dr. Rothschild ….

“No RADA for me,” I say laughing at myself