all day ….unaccounted time*

the tape rolls ….

“ ….there was always this very wild side to my nature….to me

    I could not contain it.i could not deny it. and it got me in trouble so often….” 

The tumbling emotions crash; (jmmuse)

“There’s always been rumor I exist,” I shrug now after a deep breath. 

Identity?

I get up and walk around the room….strange to be back here again ….back at the barn house in our old bedroom. 

“You get used to hiding ….” I glance up at Jörn sideways to see if he is looking at me and he is 

I turn my back a bit. Take a deep breath ….

“one day —I was a teenager in Holland ….it was this one day in Amsterdam. I stepped away from my family —the Calvestraat…. I got approached by an Italian fashion photographer —well known then, he gave me his card and said they were searching for a new face— he told me he could make me famous—that I had an itgirl face and that I would be the next face of Clinique ….” I laugh now 

shrug

“It is just as well but ….of course it was forbidden!” 

The card shredded up. I could never stand out. It was law. I am nobody. I don’t exist. 

It is hard to always process the road blocks intentionally put in my may to destroy me ….it can make me crazy if I let myself really comprehend the masterminds involved 

You learn to hide ….all the very things I desired were roadblocks against me. I didn’t understand as a young person. I blamed myself. I never knew what it was; why …. it was me; something cursed ….i just didn’t get it until the sessions with Dr. Rothschild ….

“No RADA for me,” I say laughing at myself 

Electra’s dictionary JM muse chronicles; Cover her face

“It was when I came across an old photo of him,” Jörn tells me, “without the mustache as when he was at university ….I got chills….you are the spit of him.”

“So?”

“The signature hair cut,” he says looking at me, “whose idea?”

I smile up at him and shrug,

“so what of it?” 

Because I know what he is saying,

“she used to tweeze my eye brows. Remove the arch….yes….but could you blame her?”

“Identity,” Jörn says like a headmaster reminder for a quiz 

I shut him out. I squeeze my eyes tight. I cover my ears and my eyes….let the weight of my hair tumble forward ….

“I learned how to hide in plain sight….” I say 

But add,

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. She did what she had to do…. I don’t exist. I don’t matter ….”

The lost tape; Electra’s dictionary, film noir (jmmuse)The newly found Dr. Rothschild Tape

 

‘The ladies on the bus all gossiped. They worked at the homes of the folks where the bus stopped at. The bus stop on the street with the yellow house and the dog that always bit me and chewed up my toys as my ‘father’ said, “good dog!” would stop at the house next door. Anna-Marie lived on the corner, the Poland’s next door; Mimi, Marc and David— and the bus stopped right at the very spot the Poland’s left their trash cans ….one day I kicked a can but didn’t realize till it flew up in the air that —it had remnants of cheap beer….till it emptied upon me….i stank of it after and had to vomit…. men covered in green tattoos always stepped off the bus….one man I saw from mommy’s window every day….a damp cigar hanging always from his loose lips….but this day ….i got on with Annie. I trusted her. She was different from ….Mattie….who said things she thought I was too young to understand, as if I were even deaf….those ladies worked as maids on the blocks by where we lived ….pastel painted Miami homes….i got on the bus with Annie. She took my hand, we took seats behind the driver on the left…. ‘is that the little princess of the cats? She got no place now, pass for white anyhow with that creamy skin….pass for white, but she ain’t nothing but a mulatto and will never belong anywhere—wrong side of the blanket, too bad as that king didn’t do nothing for us folk, we still serving the master and she jus bastard pass for white trash….” 

but what did it mean? 

Why did she hate me? 

How did she know me….know who I was ….when nobody at home ever even saw me ….or knew I was even there ….i was invisible ….after he never ….came to see me again.’

Awakenings

my mind is deep in the thick of morass but I do sleep —the unconscious sleep you wake up from not knowing how long you’ve been gone 

I sit up and Jörn walks over. He pulls my face up by the chin. He holds his phone. He looks at me and pulls the hair back from my forehead. He holds my head by the chin and looks at his phone,

“clever ….” 

He smiles,

“you inherited his exact shaped face and hairline. Heart shaped. Even the shape of your skull is like his. The long face. The widows peak. You have the arch of his brows ….your mother was clever.”

JM chronicles Film noir /Electra’s dictionary:the flood of memories in regressive therapy

Those things that come to you when the mind is like a giant volcano full of mad heat and chaotic chemistry ….i suddenly remembered what it was but not just the insult it was more than that 

Jörn is like a proud giant stallion when he fucks, like a flying Pegasus ninja or dragon, like ….a Viking and it was this sudden image that came to me because it was the thought of the shield 

I saw it from my dream memory as ….it was happening and the sun flashing on the metal made me see —the memory of the medallion….

….you see? It was the motion …. I don’t know why it changed from Jörn to him but —it was the position and the memory of the belt as it hit me as a child —how the buckle hit my spine at the neck ….he said it! And it was about my true father because….He told me he turned him in and what he’d done….

Electra’s dictionary JM chronicles/Back at the Barn;sexual healing

Electra—How is it that I am able to think so much clearer now….i had not expected to feel this; I feel different….much different….I feel alive again ….and the world less terrible somehow….it is not just knowing that I am lusted for and desirable, that is part of it I suppose but no, it is the act itself of getting lost in someone else; their energy…. their heat….their smell, their savage rhythm….all focused on me….but utterly caught up in them ….and so sore now, can hardly walk, three times in one night, I don’t need a work out for sure but perhaps sleep ….

I think this has opened a memory in me….a past life memory but something else —something like I remember now what it was that I have been blocking….it came to me during intercourse as he was trying something different with me I’d not ever done and it was because of the act itself that the memory just came to me

….I know what it is now ….but I must not ever say it aloud —Jörn must never know

I must talk to Gerald, I think