who do you want next to you when your world falls apart? 

But who

will actually be there for you?

    I guess now I know who really cares about me 

And who will be there for me 

1001 shades of Violet;the greg&diandra story/thescenecontinues; after the coffee place, the drive

You can get used to running

and not know it is time to calm down and grow some roses and tend your garden

You can get so used to running…. that you may find yourself not knowing how to  

       

                   stop

*****

“You should check your emails.”

She was aware of motion. Like a moving vehicle. The accent was confusing her.

It was a weird dream. Why was he telling her to check her emails? And why was she so uncomfortable sleeping this way?— up against a very cold ….glass?

Like a car window?

She sat bolt upright! ….Greg

And inconspicuously wiped her chin—she’d passed out against the inside of his car door. Hopefully he hadn’t become aware of this. 

But then….

No warning— she opened the passenger door when he made a stop at a traffic light. And hurled onto the cement ground —splat— and ….

the most remarkable thing about this is she did this before the light changed and shut the door without even flinching. And neatly, again wiped her face. 

“For the record, Wilson, this is your fault—why did you ply me with enough tia maria to have me barfing up Starbucks flavored vomit through my nose and ruin that for me for life?—please pull over here—“ and again she didn’t wait.

“We are actually closer to Imogene’s than we are to your hotel,” Greg told her when she had retracted herself back into his passenger seat and shut the door 

“Huh….wha….?” she hardly comprehended his words still trying to will away the urge to heave 

He reached over her and buckled her back into her seat 

as she flopped back against the seat 

and shut her eyes, 

her hair flopped too and heavy across her face in mad spirals of complete disorder giving her that roll in the hey-stack kind of look

After a moment she forgot. It was almost as if none of that had ever happened because —she wasn’t going to remember this part of the evening later. Or ever again. Completely wiped and burnt out; fried out of her brain’s data base

Did he know when he said to her,

“I’ll bring you to Imogene’s and just get your bag at the hotel in the morning,” he was saying 

more for himself as—he could not imagine she’d care either way by the state of her which it was a good thing she wouldn’t remember what she said because yes, it was his fault. He couldn’t suppress that still boyish wicked smile as he glanced at her buckled in the passenger seat held up only by the seat belt. her hair flopped over her face. Yet. Still …. (after how many years?) —she could still drive him crazy to distraction just by being near her

—he’d almost missed the turn 

to explain in defense of why I say I think I “need” to. for basic practical reasons. realizing most of my problems the last several years were about being stalked or invaded or harassed, pragmatically speaking dearests ….had I a man, these would not have been problems

I’d have gotten more done. I need a bodyguard. Even if only in name. It would free up so much of my time to just paint or write or whatever 

and for me, I know now, this really should not be difficult to find if I make it an exercise; approach it with exactly what I want the outcome to be

 

to my surprise lately I think about getting married again

…. I know it seems insane but I think I need to actually. I never thought I would but I do feel over my last one. I want to—this time be smarter how I find who I want to be with. About a year or so ago I started looking up ideas narrowing down what kind of man I want —not American. And I found there's an agency; they do tours in Europe and England for International people interested in meeting people and what the fuck, why not 

1001 Shades of Violet/Greg&Diandra;After the reception;the Coffee Place revisited

 

It is later, long after the bride and groom were off on their exciting holiday 

Greg and Diandra were back at the “coffee” place drinking what was starting to feel like their usual, only tonight switched to Tia Maria (with a spot of coffee)

with Diandra sunk low in the seat— tonight Greg found them a table further back against the corner wall, in a burgundy upholstered booth that insulated them from the noise going on. The noise was mostly at the bar and over an argument concerning bets on a game and every once in a lapse of arguing several at once called out angrily,

“Morty!!!” 

and after twenty minutes of this, Diandra started to wonder about Morty herself 

“Another?” someone seemed to say from the corner reaches of Diandra’s visage 

and in volley, reply in the opposite reaches came,

“she’ll have another—make it two doubles this time. Save a trip,” she heard Greg say but what he meant was fuzzy. Except she liked knowing there was something much too sweet possibly coming soon that kept her forgetting to care about all her troubles 

What were they again?

Uhhh…. 

where she should live —but where was she again —now?

So in her Tia Maria state (with spots of coffee) her thoughts went like this:

when ???? was she indeed…. what year exactly?….it was because —it felt—he was —he felt ….soooo familiar. And it was so easy to not care. And be lulled into the sense that yes…. she was safe ….here with him

who—?Greg…. Greg ? Greg Wilson ….which made no sense because she had lived in so many places since then. How could she be…. here —as if she never left?

 And then ….she did realize she knew this place. From ….years ago

She looked up at Greg now feeling like a loser for only just making the connection ….this was where it first happened—that night….they were here and somebody vomited on her—

That was why she had to borrow his sister’s uniform. The coffee place was just around the corner from —his old house 

Diandra’s heart started to pound. In her inebriated state it seemed to recall those deep hidden memories in the crevices of her thoughts

 ….she remembered the night sharply and now she stared up at Greg. He was watching her. And he saw her face as she realized this. He watched her look at the places in the room where ….each thing occurred ….how she arrived with Imogene and they both were with dates but Diandra was upset with the one she was with when Greg stepped into the pub and saw them. Was it coincidence he happened to go in there? She never asked. 

But in the end, after Imogene left with her date, Diandra’s date began to cause a scene when she said she was calling a cab to go home. That was when—to Diandra, Greg appeared from thin air. Not knowing he had been following them most of the night. And she still never knew. And somehow there were some punches and some blood and then the vomit all over Diandra’s black and white houndstooth dress; soaking it through and ruining it with—what was determined instantly: permanent stains; the garment reeked and was sufficiently considered then rendered a piece of trash.

That was why the proximity of his sister’s uniform proved valuable. Why the uniform? It was the only article of clothes at his house that would fit her that wouldn’t be immediately missed as his sister at the time had chicken pox and would not be back at school for awhile. 

And the disguise 

  allowed for a few anonymous clandestine meetings until his sister was fully recovered 

The Tia Maria arrived just as this memory mushroomed in her thoughts. 

Greg watched her expression. 

And as she started to fill in more and more of that evening …. that night ….it was really what he had said that made what happen 

happen 

He had said,

“he doesn’t have the right to touch you like that,” and when he said it he was holding back a kind of rage.

 But then soon after laughed saying, “at least he’s not like —what was that other one’s name who went to your university —he was that economics tosser who came to see you—I knew you hardly cared for that one. Too nice, too proper, would be too malleable for you, you’d be bored in a month.”

 She was unaware he even paid attention that closely until that night. 

 But then what he said next was what got through.

She suddenly remembered it clearly now. It had started to rain on the way back and outside his house they found a spot she could remove the clothes covered in vomit within the shelter of his jacket. And it was after when he put the clothes in the bin and was leading her inside as the rain was coming down

She had asked him what he meant and Diandra remembered ….

She remembered what he said as if it were yesterday. 

His reply stunned her with his accurate perception,

“a man like that would call you ‘dear’ and say ‘I love you my little squirrel—will you be my Mrs Squirrel?’ or some other stupid whatever name and simper all over you and you know what you’d do?—what you did do, and you know why?”

She had just looked up and waited before he said,

“because you can’t handle it, it just makes you run.”

He said it with such clarity. It held her in that moment to stare at him in the strange daze she had found herself in.

 

Once all the drama had ended with the bad date. He had that time too draped his jacket around her and walked her back to his house. They sneaked in unnoticed through the kitchen door. 

But it was something else he had said….

They were outside a little room where Greg was searching through the cleaned laundry when he found his sister’s uniform. 

He pointed down the hall to the bathroom.

Stood outside the frame of the bathroom doorway he put his right hand above her within the door frame. Even at his age, he was much taller than Diandra; she was always mistaken for a student because of her size. He then put his left hand on the other side of the door and trapped her 

“you don’t want the man to ask, you want him to just take —and not ask permission….” 

he didn’t do anything. He just stood there looking down at her 

They both knew she could have slipped past him. 

But it was his words that imprisoned her. His words. His ability to see what all the others never could even still ….and those words were only just the tip of the iceberg

but she knew he knew. and he knew she knew he knew. but she also knew why he knew. which was what made her want him so much even before this moment ….she always knew 

Because she didn’t run 

he did

****

She sat there now in the coffe place remembering ….as he saw her expression change ….to that first night