this is so stupid to mention, but in keeping with talking about society and what you’re unconsciously projecting
I got the strangest look from a man who watched me go past him into Spencer’s. why am I laughing about this? this is wrong, it’s too idiotic but no! he actually stopped in his tracks and watched me go into Spencer’s.
so what? i mean, what was he thinking?see what I mean? they sell other things in there. it’s in a family mall. they also have lava lamps.
I don’t know; I suppose I find myself disturbed. As I look at life, whilst doing my research …. I am researching all the impactful writers, thinkers, artists, and philosophers of a wide span of eras …. perhaps I too look to this work I have decided to spend my creative time on as it goes with my interest in understanding meaning ….
purpose ….ive been so engrossed in this research that I am even dreaming g in it now —I guess I go all the way when I do what I do …. you know it was like that for me in theatre…. I was so into my character —on stage I forgot to be shy and it was magic to become another’s journey; feel their sorrow and wish to convince everyone of how I see her…. I loved being on stage. So writing became that extension for me but —what I was thinking about was something else
That Keats and Shelly —who were my original heroes from ninth grade English lit; hardly fifteen—ripe for their plucking ….but to find they died so young—that they had tragic lives. But sadder is Shelly in a way because of the way he sank into sexual filth. I got sad as I researched all this…. their competition with Mary Shelly and all that about females are brainless; meant to be brainless; property —how could Mary Shelly create Frankenstein ? No, it had to be a man who wrote it. Because—guess what? We are back there now. Women are just brainless property still so how do I feel about that? I shun the world. I really don’t like people.
The French Revolution writers —the idyllic fantasy to free humans from chains; free their minds —remove them from their rulers and all that
well…. It would be nice but seems like utopia; really though, it is not like all of them went to extremes in thought but it seems naive as look at what became of industrialism and upon whose shoulders do they drain the lives
But look at naturalism as they saw it —there is something I must have not seen until now and that is what disturbs me. You see? They were —Coleridge too, they lost their heads in a wild fantasy when they should have been more industrial so— there we have William Morris who was the success story but he had a few lucky breaks; still, he was not a miserly person at all and wrote the book that inspired Lord of the Rings for Tolkien.
I think it’s about what I should decide I’d rather focus on and what the message is I am conveying…. is that my role then? i don’t care, i think i need it to be said and maybe that’s the only reason; who cares who reads it?someone has to write this; like why hasn’t anyone done it?
Shashi Kapoor
in Heat and Dust —it is one scene, and it is only because of how he touches her
*literary aside notes (for my reference)
such an unexpected subtle shock of surprise (he is more erotic than if it were explicit;so hot)
On a post-it writes
“he puts me in chains and makes me endure hours of torture upon my sex with constant onslaught of a soft mouth ….how do I confess this?”
—found in the translations letters of ancestor
*frame story/subStory
not to give away my new writing work, but I need to work out a few thoughts here. I can only say that as I research this —vaguely, I’m looking at how western movements of thought have influenced human lives especially seen through art —I thought it was a trilogy but it’s growing legs and to wrestle the beast I write now a tiny anecdote of a side thought
consider the actors of Shakespeare time. Of Sophocles time. Of Oscar Wilde’s time and consider all those immortal works and their muses or those that portrayed them on stage or sat at salons for paintings
To read Forster or Jane Austen as a nerd girl and then see Hugh Grant, Julian Sand, Colin Firth, these lovely men embody characters …. and I have to consider our time and era and what one we are—or were in—QE2? the knights and dames and our a.s.byat
I think repression is the root of all evil.upon realizing this, it occurs to me that I’ve really never been interested in perpetuating negative cycles of mal intended games played through forms of mental abuse —to me an enlightening discovery as it simply means I see it was just a kind of a blindness I’d not examined.
Therefore it can be better understood why physical forms of confinement or chains; ties etc. that becomes a fetish is adapted as it creates a venue for the expression to be exhibited through a decoy channel hidden as a subterranean ‘acceptable’; but as an act of perversion; like an eccentric or secret social deviant
