Electra’s dictionary & film noir/jmmusechron;Purpose refrain

 

I have become so rather lost in thoughts. I have digressed so many times. 

as things keep interrupting my thoughts—yes, 

so I forget where threads got left hanging there

can you imagine a thought like that?yes, that is what this sort of open-knot-work has become

;some spider who gets interrupted 

and all the weave 

is fraying 

and the spider is left hanging 

I wonder if this is the lesson after all —the net cannot hold the trapeze artist. 

Only some of you will get that. 

Or caught in her own weave?

I don’t know…. 

so, it seems I get so rather lost in my thoughts on some dusty road whilst running away from constant surveillance;the suspicious eyes of a retired agent …. and only want to get

Lost ….

But actually do

and even my phone seems to be caught in Bermuda’s Triangle; a tiny wheel inside it mocks me as it spins for several long minutes where google maps is claiming to be   

so get out of the car and look around realizing there is nothing around.

but does it really matter.

I half think I purposely got myself lost here so as 

….I’d not have to go back.ever.but now it is quite terrifying to realize no one will look for me.or know I was here.or came here.or care.

Those moments when you evaluate your life. And yourself.sometimes I wonder how it felt for Moses coming down from the mountain 

There is a random old log sitting on the dusty dirt road and so I sit down on it and try and clear my thoughts. 

What have I gained from all this exploration ….have I learned?

Yes.actually. And documented it all here in code. 

And had I ever tried to go mainstream in the past it would have been a waste of time, and I always knew this but then —I guess I believe the world wasn’t ready for anything I had to say. But that was true for Socrates. But he was Socrates. But how would anyone have known of him had he never tried to argue? But he was Socrates. 

this is the debate team in my head.and so I do actually feel about to fall apart there right in the middle of that depressing dirt road when out of nowhere I hear the loudest helicopter overhead and ….speaking of spiders ….something drops down very much like one —with golden hair

“Duva—I know you said you want no part of our schemes—“ as if he was just returning from the shops, hardly taking a breath 

“I —never—actually ….said that….” I stare at him 

And then look up as I see the helicopter from the hover just suddenly takes off 

I look up at Jörn and then at the car,

“uhhh—I’m lost and I’m having car issues so….” I look back up at the now long gone helicopter 

 

 

 

Electra writes as e.d.

 

of course I could not write of Jörn’s case from last year as things happened and there are gaps on here where I have had to leave out details since about around this time last year as he was in deep cover —somewhere ….close to where the war has been— let us say for now

penthouse reflections e.d.

I realize now that he was lying to me even further back

it is later and I am back at the penthouse.I pace the bedroom  like a mad woman ….like a mad woman ….disappearing photos…. yes, mad woman, indeed—who used to say that—those old Greek choruses never shut up….Paris was a lie too I guess, and this new shock —I feel so sick ….I go to the window and —think ….

then realize the view from his kitchen is right where I’m standing ….

    and he is watching me….what is it then?— either let me go or come clean ….I want to tear through all the false promises with just one scrap of proof that ….

any of it was real ….to think he just wanted to play me for a fool makes me 

I draw the drape in one raging move and turn my back to it

how can I ever think I actually meant anything to him if he could be so duplicitous with zero qualms for all his disregard toward me —so I rage at the walls for awhile ….and stomp across the bedroom looking up at the walls feeling as if I am thoroughly trapped by them

and want to run.but where. and so tired of running.

Noir smörgås varm röra/orrefors Crystal clear (jmmusechroncont)

 

I look straight at Josef as I come back —he sits at the head of the table. A bit breathless. Then I notice that his sleeve is caught on the edge of the table —as though he just heedlessly rushed to his seat 

I glance at Elsa 

  who similarly ….is sat with part of her skirt oddly twisted beneath her, trapping her legs 

but it is Andreas of whom— what is he doing?

I walk over to him by the tall console table as he has his back turned so awkwardly as though he—

“Do you need help?” I go around to look at his pose from another side 

“Oh my god!” I exclaim as I see he has a tall Orrefors crystal vase cradled precariously in his arms as if—he just accidentally  ran into the table recklessly 

I catch the vase. glance as Elsa. She looks away quick but—I see the gasp of relief she tries to hide 

I pretend not to pay any mind but I do look at Josef with his caught sleeve pointedly and decide to help him. He sheepishly smiles up at me,

“tack, kära du,” he pats my hand affectionately mustering a show of composure and a glance at Elsa 

I walk over to her next as she is actually now sat at the other head of the table and as I walk towards her I look at Josef as I go,

“so, explain the purpose for Jörn to marry me. Is it the citizenship or is it the property legal clause on the Swedish opera house?”

“Svenska operahuset,” I hear Elsa whisper to herself 

“Well before—“Josef starts to say 

but at the very exact moment Andreas says,

“Both.”

Andreas’ voice is louder 

Andreas my ally. I look at him. But at that moment I hear a tap on another door behind me. This one leads out to the corridor to the bedrooms, but it is usually open, like now. So the tap cones loud on the panel of the open door. I turn to see Hanna 

“If pappa marries you, it allows him more freedom with his work in your country and—affords some extras for friendly family members; if you know what I mean,” she winks at me

Trust kids for honesty at awkward moments ….as I see Erik is sneaking out behind her 

I groan,

“smörgås varm röra,” and sit down next to Elsa as I take a moment to think ….they seem to be watching me

After a second to reflect, I get up and walk around as I think 

“I marry him—“ I point to Jörn, “you benefit because then you keep the opera house,” I say and walk to the window, “so—how does that benefit Jörn? ….diplomatic immunity?”

“It’s ….” Jörn starts to walk over to me shaking his head, “it’s more ….complicated ….”

Josef clears his throat. It a signal throat clear. Warning?

I glance at Josef 

“If I’m going to be in this family I think I deserve some ….explanation—is it work—his platinum brand —corporation? Taxes? Or is it just the usual of surpassing the visa/green card dilemma?” But no…. there’s the obvious again, 

I spin around to Josef,

“Of course! If Jörn marries me—then you as —director— are free to ….” it all dawns 

I glance at Elsa but she glances at Jörn who then shoots an angry look at his pappa ….

Jörn turns to me,

“duva….he’s my cover”