Electra,
this morning’s dreams mix with real everyday incidents. So, I relive the scene later when
Sunny calls out in alarm—in painful, physical urgency and then I recall —oh, I knew this would happen; we know how it goes
later ….
—here I stop to reflect upon how strange some things shift and alters things —of people and—of the importance of some things…. such things like a nearby neighbor who is moving away, so suddenly my presence to Sunny here becomes more required ….and think about how that fits in with what Stina is asking me to do…. I mean, if what she said is true —it makes me wonder how it is that he suddenly appeared on that road to rescue me from the last stalker I just had to escape from
But…. my brain gets so muddled over this double double triple agent spy stuff, so instead, my thoughts choose to turn to write instead about my ‘Persephone’…. and how that heavy weight which had pressed so hard upon my heart that I could not ever inhale all the way ….the adjustment to lightness with full lungs now alters my perceptive view through the kaleidoscope that I see looking at me in the mirror
And even Bran ….he calls me again today ….he says he doesn’t like,
“that nobody cares if you’re alive? Really Beth?”
“Well…. I’m working for Sunny, he’d start to wonder if he didn’t see me for a few days….”
“Honestly Beth….” he stops to edit his thoughts; I hear his mind shifting the course, “I was surprised about—your ‘Persephone’” Bran says
“Oh….”
“I remember how close you were so….but you are talking again?”
“It’s ….been a long several years,” I say and sit down, as I have been pacing
“So, how is that going?” he asks
“You know…. if someone wanted to see in actual life ~inheritance over environment~ study —she and I are living proof that—as much as they tried to turn her into one of them and not be like her mother….it failed. Even her sexual identity label is like her mom’s but her generation are comfortably out.”
“Hmm, I never doubted your attraction to me, Beth—did you?”Bran asks me
“To you? Of course not, but you are the exception —you’re deep —and sensitive—and….you’re —nurturing….”
“I’m nurturing? I don’t think Clare would agree,” he says and then he says, “well….you always brought that out in me, you have that way—it makes men want to protect you—“
“Protect me-!?”
“—take care of you,” he amends
“What!?—why? I don’t need that from anyone!” I feel defensive, “I can take care of myself!”
And at this moment I get a text from Stina:
<have you called Dr. Evans office yet?>
I ignore her message and walk to the window to watch a herd of deer playing in the near field. Two with massive antlers stop to look directly at me from the field as I listen to …..Bran’s lilting voice that ….throws its sheepish warm coat from across the sea…. and for a split moment in time ….I am perched in an alternate time ~Beth pwy yw beth a phryd~
“Well….” he concedes but he says, “to your credit, I don’t blame you for all that armor you wear—I think if anyone deserved to hate men for everything that happened to you, I wouldn’t have blamed you for completely turning off men. I really couldn’t blame you, I would have had I been you,” he says
“Yes—well—but the alternative wasn’t much better so—there is a fine line within that gauge of yin-yang on the dial between male and female ….and I gave up fine tuning my definition and —realize ….it’s more to my liking avoiding most humans altogether —unless they prove they have something worth my time to interact with —on any level.”
“And where do I fit in?” he asks
“….you never had to doubt….but there is only one of you, isn’t there? And ….you disappeared. And…. you’re an artist so…. that is under the umbrella of my orientation—oh! Bran, I have to go—” I say when from downstairs I hear my name being called
“Beth—don’t hang up—wait, ….can I call you again?”
I hesitate
He says,
“I can’t not have you in my life….it’s so good to hear your voice.”
