Electra’s dictionary noir/hide and seek

 

I return to the hunter’s hide with a large gallon jug of water and several basics I anticipate he could use in the small hide-out he will have to remain at until he is strong enough to move 

He is awake when I enter the small structure 

“I charged your phone,” I start to hand it to him as I kneel down but he indicates I set it next to him on the floor and as I do I set down his rucksack too that I borrowed to carry things back for him; transportable non perishable food; trail mix; protein bars and anything else of this kind that I could find, “oh—I brought you my phone booster charger so it’s ready when….”I look at him as I set it next to his phone but I see he looks tired and only slightly interested 

“Tack— thanks,” he says and looks back at me, and then says, “for everything….”

“Oh….” I move closer, “can I see?”

“You’ve never been good with blood,” he says, “all the more reason I’m grateful for what you did but—“

I sigh heavily knowing he is right,

“still, it needs to be done….” I dig more things out of his bag, “gauze, antiseptic….” I lay everything out, “oh—“ I take out a large travel mirror, “I thought you might want to inspect my work just in case, so ….” I lay the mirror next to him, “you must be starving.”

He gives me an ironic look,

“I had roast snake for breakfast actually.”

“What-the-fuck?!”

“I know how you feel about meat so, I wasn’t going to mention it,” he starts to laugh at me but the movement causes pain in the area of the wound. I stare at him imploringly. He makes a small suggestion of a shrug, “it had the audacity to pay me a visit this morning and I wasn’t that comfortable with the social call….”

I hold back the urge to retch but have to turn my face away,

“here’s a tooth brush,” I say and put this next to his phone with some toothpaste with it

I move to prepare changing the gauze and set about to cleanse the wound  

“I think you need some of this,” he reaches with his good arm for the vodka bottle, “you’ve gone a shade of green suddenly.”

“No, I—“ but as I notice the blood seeped through, though now dried, I hesitate. I don’t look at him and just reach for the bottle. And once fortified I hand it back to him and go about the work. 

He holds up the mirror and watches what I do and reaches for the vodka as I start to peel the gauze that sticks to the dried blood 

“So what is the plan?” I ask him as I start to work and wonder if I should mention the message from Willem still left unopened 

 qu'en est-il d'une vraie conversation ?  Je tombe en panne d'essence sans but

 alors je ne comprends pas ?  vous devez être précis.  j'ai pensé abandonner

e.d. noir/Between the plains

it is after I have finished off, cleansed the wound over the area …. when …. I see the strange neatness of the stitches and feel myself remove …. wrap the gauze around until it seals it away…. like some heavy dream; when the thick blankets smothers out your attachment to recalling the dream …. the dream down the heavy dark swamp 

I don’t know really what I think about sometimes ….these days anyway ….

the few hours between those few hours of sleep ….I’ve not been able to get past four at the most for so long 

….that heaviness that goes deep down into the dark morass…. right before dreams 

 …. so I watch him to be sure no fever sets in. I stay for hours wondering how I will explain to Sunny where I’ve been ….and how to get back here with supplies without catching his attention 

I realize as I sit there with one eye watching him and another dreaming past the hide’s several windows ….it has been weeks since I went somewhere like a shop or ….was among civilization and ….I don’t miss it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be among people. among society. have I been a prisoner too long, I wonder….or is it the society? I have no interest in anything out there

I could stay here in these woods forever ….pretend I am not on the planet where some lunatic could press a button and blow up our planet ….I’m not here anymore. perhaps I am like a bear in hibernation or wasn’t it Merlin who went into his crystal cave and slept a few hundred years ….?

I think about Sunny with all his hunting trophies all over ….giant bears take up the main room and more deer than I can count adorn the walls and…. I realize he and I look at nature so much differently…. but I feel so unlike ….most in society; I don’t eat meat and I cry watching hunters go after their kill; cry more watching the blood and the skulls….and the casualness of how meat is consumed —why am I so ridiculous? so removed from normal ….but why isn’t this normal? I keep wondering 

yet….I don’t think it’s me so, fuckit….and then forget my thought when I look down now at my phone ….

as ….there is a message from Willem….oh, what do I do?

 

Je pense que je comprends. comme des esprit. 💌📌mais doit rester loin

 la muse doit-elle rester dans l'ombre pour toujours ?

 today I walked thirteen miles without realizing …. where is my head lately, I swear I don’t know…. but it’s what I do, you know adhd I ….suffer from hyper and need constant exercise. It’s rather excessive with me; like a compulsion I can’t stop. sometimes I don’t know what drives me but it’s not the manic I know and seen in …. my ex, for me it is always there and never goes away. I was shocked when the ptsd therapist told me I am stoic …. well, I put it in just one place full of boxes