6 months later: Electra’s dictionary and film Noir/Archetypes and Euphemisms as code(series4)

And so, you may begin to suspect that not all of this is fiction

and that the most unlikely parts are the actual events 

I find that I cannot process this as reality and, as a matter of course, it seems now is the best moment to let readers see how the walls —which are, in fact shield walls, connect and then ….can veer off down hidden paths 

….watch within the walls I dissolve in, in a maze of amazement ….as I type this with trembled fingers as each moment is a step closer to a state of peace 

but until then ….my Noir real world ….in an fbi cocoon 

I pace the rooms as if each is a prison I must escape …. 

simple things like internet access….

 not second guessing every move 

responding to text messages or choosing not to —as I have found my filter of tolerance of anyone who showed their fakenes to me …. has changed me to become a cold bitch to them or my chosen tactic is to just disappear ….gone like a ghost as if they never knew me

I have had these rare moments as I wait for Jörn to arrive where…. I understand now why all these things happened …. it is still a very dangerous world when you are a slight female alone and no matter how clever I may be, my weakness is always my generosity of faith to others and that is my downfall which I have paid again for with my own body 

I watch from the window as I see Jörn arrive but turn away as he looks up…. the last time I saw him was that day in Southampton New York when his parents arrived …..

(I Hitchcocked this one, do you see my shadow?lol!) drive up front “lawn”
 

                 And what shall we call this, my lord?

 “Kate, that is the moon.”

“But it is the sun.”

“Yet say it is the moon as it pleases your lord.”

“It is that you are lunar, my lord, so it is the moon.”

Thriller

 

Word processing for self help (and if you choose to abandon this artist from recognizing her Art as the whole of her work, that is sad but I’ve witnessed friends are fake and this is my work for all that I am; accept me as I am or fuck off)

do I find his stories of capers a great distraction from ….well, what I’m trying to not think about 

never look back …. but it happened and …. it was mad …. and I did not need another scar so,anyway 

someone in his field would have seen his fair trade of exposure to combat I would imagine and agents suffering from the ….after affects 

he tells me with kindness that he sees I’m going through PTSD as he has training in coaching this ….he was there, he got me out of there and saw the departing scene as he was a part of it and —he tells me six months at least I should expect …. the flashbacks, the hysteria, the hyperventilating but there are woods and his hunting grounds all to myself to hike as it is a wildlife preserve …. and he has rifles everywhere alongside his hunting trophies as ….he tells me I’m safe here and ….I dare say, with his oxygen tank for his emphysema I ….don’t feel under threat there and actually, hopefully, more under his protection as I did witness his intervention on my behalf —when nobody else was there—he got me out of there…. I just wish the terror would stop, I made myself not feel all that time. not think too much about what was happening because it would not have been possible to …. keep it up. the shield. the sword. the armor. you become what is otherwise lacking, I am my own knight but I cannot hold myself up anymore which is not like me at all ….not in a long long time was that road kill me, but I will rise like the phoenix and the dawn ….I swear, that ass will not have the pleasure of defeating me because —he is worthless, putrid garbage and when I get back up, I swear that I will smear him. I just need some peace and ….some time

A marker for a page; dawn’s highway

and so….it was no accident the subtle hints and mentions of stalkers recently here —they’ve been a pattern in my life. both genders. and always terrifying when it’s happening. I have not been ok, and, you know, I don’t know if I ever will be …. able to let anyone near me again …..a person who stages and traps a person …. what I wrote here back in late spring and early summer —well, it was a cover in case he read my blog

and so I guess this one has been obsessed with me since high school and woe to me the lengths someone would go to try and force their will ….and all that last month and the GFM was about what was going on—but what saved me in the end? A chance meeting with a retired FBI agent who stopped in his car one day to talk to me when I was walking the highway ….I guess he sensed something was up— and now I’m working for him

my actual life is more strange than my stories. and always, it has been this way ….

It seems I have always longed for him, but I never could place where .... so what is the purpose we should meet now.... what purpose do we serve in each other’s lives.... something he needs from me? Something I need? Something that goes beyond life and time?

….the girl and the smeden