🕳

 

I feel such an emotional exhaustion. and feels almost too much. or maybe it is. 

I don’t know if it is the impact of people’s reactions because it was easier before people started to ask me things. and well….  I do desperately wish people thought before they dispense advice about things they are ignorant of. It is hard to be tactful when people insult both your intelligence and your ….predicaments ….especially when it was brought on not even by my own actions . I am too tired to be enraged. I feel run over. Forward and back kind of …. roadkill 

to think my biological father dealt with this kind of notoriety on a regular basis and on front cover headlines long before social media existed. Makes me look like a marshmallow withering in the corner. I’d only like it about a worthwhile subject on something worth anyone’s time 

But I never liked attention that way. I only like fiction drama, I don’t do it in real life. But it seems people of that nature seem to target me (MM long ago said it was the red hair) and imagine I’m worth their game and I never notice their act because I want to allow the benefit of the doubt …. Maybe it’s time to stop doing that. If I am my own knight then I must believe everyone has a weapon against me unless they prove otherwise. I should have always been that way but I never wanted to be the cynical type

Now I know why the cynical types exist. 

There is more story 

   More E.d, more Noir too, I suppose, and even more Brenda in the rubber shop with you know who 

     I’m just so world weary that I feel like I need a lifetime of peace before I can ….and I think I am done with people from now on and this time I mean it 

(Kurczak, btw—ty)

that vincent van gogh syndrome

not with glamour nor humor, really, do I imply at all that, so many times it has felt I am living a life in between pages of some tragic Dickens novel 

those years ago, when the psychic I met told me those things that all came true

said something else rather disturbing; it was during those years I studied between HB Studio and the Academy of Dramatic Arts in Manhattan —she said something like…. oh—you are not meant to be on a stage to portray heroic characters ….you are meant to be one of those desired to be portrayed in legend and most likely will be, but likely not in your life-time;but your life will not be easy as you choose these experiences for the purpose of knowing innate empathy for the human experience in order to purify within ….and without —those you touch ….but you will feel a life of being unloved; a life mostly lived alone and on your own; it will be a very lonely journey ….but not forever ….

some things you forget in life but as I encountered every crisis she outlined and —when— just by the timing of the stars and her ability to sense my energy; was so correct, (as she said my immortal self chose this time for the knowledge) and when nothing else has guided me as well as her words through these last twenty-five years of them haunting my memory of our meeting …. not forever, she said has carried me through 

 🎙 mon vampire, l'esprit-fuck💋

 et à travers les heures les plus sombres, apparaît toujours

🎟….  https://youtu.be/GUsZQZzQjYY 💋

 🕳🕣